Page 91 of Untether

‘The subject matter is female sexuality in one’s forties and beyond, and it deals with divorce and perimenopause, around other issues.

‘The main thing to be aware of is that I’m putting myself in the hot seat, as it were. Most women my age weren’t brought up in an especially liberated environment, so more than anything this is a search for sexual freedom and expression after a long period of monogamy. I’ve partnered with an exclusive London-based sex club for the purposes of the show, and one of its founders has been…’Showing me the ropes. Literally.‘Mentoring me,’ I conclude lamely. ‘The footage will not be explicit, but the topic, and the discourse around it, will be. I have a full briefing pack ready to send out with talking points and quotes from me, Azure and some of the experts I’ve interviewed. Simone is also involved—she’s interviewing me. Questions.’

There’s a moment of silence as everyone processes my bombshell, and I feel the physical distance from the rest of the meeting participants as keenly as I feel Rory’s silent judgement emanating from where he sits in my peripheral vision. I force myself not to cross my arms as I stand and await the inevitable post-processing tidal wave. I don’t need to defend myself.

Besides, these guys are my colleagues. They’re a downright friendly jury compared to what I’ll face in, ooh, three hours.

‘Let’s make sure I have this straight,’ Dave says. ‘You’re presenting a programme where you presumably bang a guy from a sex club to rediscover your sexuality?’

I can’t fault his factual summary any more than I canpretend to like it. Neither can I articulate precisely why I dislike it. I’m a big girl. I’ve put myself into the middle of the most heated debates imaginable with some of the scariest people to have held power on this planet. I go in, guns blazing, when a story is controversial or provocative. I am not known for holding back. Ever.

But I guess that’s because I’m usually the mouthpiece. The vessel for the story.

TodayI’m the story.

‘Exactly,’ I say in a tone that somehow communicatesI’m not sorryand alsotry judging me to my face, fucker.I don’t love Dave, but his judgement is usually decent.

A beat, then, ‘Got it.’ There’s no gold star or slap on the wrist. I want neither praise nor censure from my coworkers, but I’d like more of a read on his reaction and I can’t get one from here.

‘This is a documentary, not reality TV, correct?’ Sasha Riddell, our Head of Breakfast News asks with the habitual weariness of someone who’s been at work since four o’clock this morning. ‘What’s the tone?’

‘Correct,’ I say crisply. ‘There are unscripted fly-on-the-wall sections, but it’s mainly interview-based. It’ll be an elevated piece of film-making that examines important issues in a high-concept way while at the same time being, hopefully, very human.

‘This is a sensitive and extremely personal journey for me, obviously, but my decision to share some of it on camera comes from the hope that, by doing so, it will drive curiosity and debate and allow the thematic content to resonate far more strongly.

‘One of the themes we explore is women “of a certain age” not being seen as sexual beings. I’m hoping that by talking about my own sexual journey in an open and honestway, I can cast a spotlight on female sexuality in my age group and beyond while addressing some of the more taboo subject matters out there, like women using sex clubs.’

‘And the timing?’ Dave asks.

‘Right. The first episode will stream in early January and the second one the following week. I’m expecting plenty of interest and censure from the press—I’m sure I don’t need to spell out the myriad ways they could go with this—but it’s not a news story per se. Most of our filming is done, so I plan on presentingCentre Stageas usual between now and then.’

‘Did the BBC get a chance to bid on this programme?’ Helen Forrester asks. She runs the research team forNewsnightand is a force of nature and a BBC veteran. Most people are more than a little scared of her, though she’s been nothing but supportive of me in my transition from the news desk toCentre Stage.

I swallow a smile as I opt not to correct her. There was no auction. It turns out, a sex documentary about a forty-something woman is not television catnip, according to most of the broadcasters I met with. I had a chance to sit down with a couple of the BBC’s documentary commissioners, who politely and unequivocally communicated their total lack of interest.

‘They saw it, yes,’ I tell Helen.

It’s poor Dave who gets the full force of her glare. ‘Well, shame on them,’ she says. ‘This is precisely the kind of content we should be prioritising, especially when the filmmaker is one of our own.’

‘I think the programme has the right partner,’ I say gently. ‘We’ve been able to raise the heat level—in a tasteful way, of course—far higher than the BBC’s audience might have been comfortable with.’

‘Well, I think it’s a damned shame,’ she grumbles. ‘Good on you for doing it. I shall be cheering you on, as I’m sure we all will. Right, folks?’

There’s a collective, embarrassed rumble of agreement through my screen that seems more reflective of everyone’s fear of Helen than any genuine support for my project. It’s an awkward way to wrap up the meeting, but it strikes me that perhaps I should be enjoying my colleagues’ lukewarm reaction.

Because the press’ reaction will be far from lukewarm, that’s for sure.

60

CAL

You know in movies, when a news story hits and they do a cheesy montage of all the headlines whirling into focus and building on top of each other like a giant fucking sloppy headline pie that makes your head spin?

That’s how I feel as I monitor the news sites and social media after theParadisetrailer drops. Aida’s explained to me that the coverage will come in waves of initial knee-jerk reactions and lengthier, more thoughtful op-eds.

Today, we can expect the coarsest, most reductionist knee-jerk reactions in the shape of tweets and headlines on news sites. Tomorrow, we’ll probably make the front pages, and we should see more opinion pieces popping up. Then, over the next few weeks, and especially once our show airs, the newspaper coverage will filter down to women’s magazines.

A similar trend should roll out on television, too: headlines today as news outlets pick up the story, followed by the likely dissection of Aida’s personal life on this week’s morning shows and eventually her appearance on chatshows. Her publicist, Mara, has her confirmed forGordon Kay, which is pretty fucking epic from where I’m sitting. Gordon’s chat show hosts the biggest celebrities from both sides of the Atlantic.

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