Page 48 of Untether

AIDA

SIMONE: Sooo…

ME: [Giggles and looks at the ceiling] Yeah.

SIMONE: You did the dirty deed?

ME: [Another far too high-pitched giggle] We did… some dirty deeds.

SIMONE: You realise you can tell us as much or as little as you like, right? Because, obviously, if you don’t feel comfortable sharing much on air then I’ll just drag you off and get you drunk later so you spill the beans. But, my darling, one of the reasons you asked me to interview you is because you knew I’d push you.

This is your show. You can fuck behind closed doors and stay quiet about it like everyone else, or you can use your platform to vocalise your experiences, and your reactions in the moment, and your feelings after the fact. So which will it be?

ME: Remind me why we’re friends?

SIMONE: Because I’m fabulous, and because I don’t blow smoke up that tiny little arse of yours like everyone else. Spill it, Russell. And don’t play coy with me. You havenever once sat down in front of a camera without knowing exactly what message you want to impart. So I’m asking you now. What’s your message after Round One of kinky fuckery?

ME: [Sighs] You’re right, naturally. And I know exactly what I want to say. Of course I do. That doesn’t preclude me from being all sorts of nervous and exposed and horrified, but neither do those feelings preclude me from sharing my message. And I guess it’s this. I’d put it up there with jumping out of a plane: it was the most terrifying, exhilarating experience of my life.

SIMONE: How so?

ME: Because every single thing about the way we’re bred as a certain type of woman—the good girl who goes to college and works in the corporate world and keeps her head down and gets on with it? All those things tend to intersect with a certain approach to sex.

I’m generalising here, but it’s a generalisation that feels valid when I put it like this: nobody would expect a woman like me or you, who operates within those blurred boundaries of whatever ‘The Establishment’ is, to appear on television and talk about how hard they came the previous day.

SIMONE: I’m sorry. Were you trying to say something smart about our culture? Because I didn’t hear anything except that last sentence.

ME: Yeah. Well.

SIMONE: Can you tell us more? Or is your brain still too orgasm-addled?

ME: Definitely the latter. But I’ll try, because it’s important. Look. Nobody should judge anyone else’s sexual appetites. Right? But they do. We all do. I know I do, and it’s something I want to change about myself.

But I’m coming at this as someone who thought beingable to say she’d never had a one-night stand was some kind of badge of honour. I mean, how ridiculous is that? That’s purity culture at its most insidious, because we let it inform how we judge ourselves and how we think others judge us. And all I can say now iswhat a load of bullshit.

I think the thing about doing thisthingat this point in my life is that I’m old enough to regret those little life rules I carried around with me, and I’m old enough to regret what they led me to miss out on. Do I regret not having had more great sex before I got married? Hell, yes! I mean, come on.

So I’m making up for lost time here. I’m finally in a place where I’ve made peace with myself and the public’s perception of me sufficiently to go and take that pleasure. Justtakeit.

SIMONE: So tell us how you took it.

ME: Well—I had my massage, and it was glorious. He did it at his club, Alchemy, when it was empty, but he had this room set out exactly like a spa, you know? There was a full-on massage table, and candles everywhere, and it even smelled like a spa… and he was super professional. At the beginning, anyway. [Giggles]

But, you know, he got it completely right. He called it. Because I know a lot of women out there will empathise when I say so much of the female orgasm is in our heads, right, and it’s not even how we feel about the person we’re with. It’s how we feel about ourselves, our bodies, whether we’re stressed, or exhausted, or our brains just won’t shut the fuck up.

So his massage was exactly what I needed. It gave me a chance to unwind, it got me used to having his hands on me, it was an act of caregiving and service, I would say, as much as it was a roundabout form of foreplay. Doing what he didmade me feel far more sensual than if I’d had to get down to action at eleven o’clock in the morning.

SIMONE: I totally agree. So, can I ask, how did the massage segue into the rest of it?

ME: [Blows out a breath] Oh God. I cannot believe I’m discussing this on camera. I guess I should have mentioned that he was looking super hot when I showed up. Like, he’s a seriously attractive guy, right? That’s not up for debate.

SIMONE: Nope. No debate needed on that front.

ME: So there was that. Obviously, I’m attracted to him—I personally couldn’t do this if the chemistry wasn’t there. But then I put a sleep mask on and that helped too, I think. It helped me get out of my head and into my body. So by the time he’d finished doing my back, I was pretty worked up.

SIMONE: That’s my girl. And?

ME: And, I guess… when he suggested I should roll over onto my back and lose the towel, I was very much on board with that. And then he gave me a… happy ending, I guess.

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