Page 52 of XOXO

“You know,” she says, “how sometimes in middle school a boy will be mean to the person he likes?”

“Wow, Nathaniel,” I drawl. “Totally not cool.”

“I know, right?” She laughs though her voice has a sad quality to it.

“Do youwantto get back together again?”

She’s quiet for a long time, I’m not sure if she’ll answer. Finally, she says, “I want to be an idol. It’s mydream, Jenny.”

“O-kay, but you can still be an idol and date Nathaniel, can’t you? Or is it your mom?”

“It’s notjustmy mother or the company. It’s more than that.”

“What reasons are there besides that?”

She turns on her side to look at me. “You really don’t know?”

“No,” I say, “but I want to.”

For her. For Nathaniel. For Gi Taek and Angela, who share the same dream.

For Jaewoo.

“It’s a great honor to be an idol. You’ve achieved a dream that so many people want as well. But that’s only the beginning. You have to work hard to release good music, maintain your image and brand, perform well, win awards, top charts, hold fan signings, go on variety shows, support your group members’ solo activities, have your own solo activities...” She stops, catching her breath. “When you add another person into the mix, some people think it takes away from all of that. Like you have a person who is more important than all those other things, a part of your life you’re not sharing, when, as an idol, you agreed to share your whole life with your fans, so that they can love you without fear that you’ll disappoint or hurt them.”

She sighs. “At least, that’s how I’ve always thought of it, andit’s the reason I can most understand. I want to make people smile. I want to warm their hearts. And if dating makes people worry or feel like I’m not trying hard enough, then I... won’t.”

I try to understand what she’s saying; it’s so out of the realm of anything I’ve ever had to worry about. “I don’t think being in a relationship takes away from all your hard work. You can’t aim to please everyone, you can only aim to please yourself.”

She offers me a bemused smile. “That’s very American of you to think that way. Nathaniel’s like that too. Screw everyone else. Live your best life.”

“I mean... not exactlythat. More like, you need to be strong for yourself first, be healthy and happy for yourself first, before you can be strong and give happiness to others. The healthier and happier you are, the more you can give to your fans, right? They should want that for you.”

She rests her head on her hands, nodding slowly.

“Plus, come on, don’t you think after falling in love, you’ll just have that many more love songs to write?”

She laughs. “We’re jumping ahead of ourselves. I don’thaveany fans, Jenny!”

“That’s not true. You have me.”

“I know we just recently went from roommates to friends,” she says shyly, “but can I hug you?

“Um, yes!” I reach out and take her into an Uncle Jay–like hug, slightly suffocating.

“You’re sweaty!” She giggles.

“You are too!” I push her away and she laughs, placing her hands over her face.

It’s one o’clock in the morning. We sprawl on our backs again. Neither of us speaks for a while, and I think Sori’s half asleep when she rolls to her side and murmurs, “If cellists have fan clubs, Jenny, I want to join yours.”

Twenty-Two

On Sunday, I visit Halmeoni in the clinic and we watch a weekend drama with her roommates on the TV in the room. It’s already on episode seventy-eight of what my halmeoni tells me is a one-hundred-episode drama.

From what I gather from the other halmeoni and the drama itself, the story follows a young woman who, as a child, was lost at sea during a boating accident, only to be adopted by a fisherman. Turns out, she’s the actual daughter of a billionaire and heiress of a huge conglomerate in Seoul. But her identity was stolen by a woman who witnessed the accident and instated her own daughter in the young woman’s place, soshegrew up the heiress. Meanwhile, the young woman is torn between the love of two men, a boy from her village who raised himself from nothing to become a fishing tycoon and the son of another chaebol family who was betrothed to her from birth. Also possibly her mother was murdered, and she might have a terminal illness?

After the episode is over, I pull out the food I’d bought from the bakery, a loaf of sourdough bread, thick, creamy butter, and blackberry jam.

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