Page 45 of XOXO

When he’s not in the spot where I last saw him, against the wall, I start looking for him in the audience. But none of the beaming, happy faces belong to him.

The joy inside me begins to dissipate, until I feel an awful tightening in my chest.

He’s gone.

Nineteen

I should have dropped dance when I had the chance. At this rate, I’m going to fail a class, and it doesn’t matter how amazing my portfolio is or how well my audition goes, I’ll never get into a top music school with a failing grade.

“You weren’t kidding about your lack of dance skills,” Nathaniel says after the third time I’ve stepped on his foot in a half hour. At the start of class, Ms. Dan told us to all grab partners, and before I could ask someone else, Nathaniel had practically tackled me. “Honestly, I think you’re doing the world a service by playing cello,” Nathaniel muses. “At least you have to sit for it.”

Outside, thunder rumbles in the distance, storm clouds rolling in from the west. We’re due for a downpour. Hopefully tonight, when I’m back in the dorms.

“Jaewoo-seonbae!”

As if pulled by a string, my head snaps in the direction of the voice. On the other side of the studio, a classmate approaches Jaewoo.

We’ve been avoiding each other all week, ever since he left my grandmother’s clinic without saying goodbye. There’s no excuse for why he left, and I’m not about to listen to any, even if he should pull me into a ceiling vent.

“You’ll get it eventually, I’m sure,” Nathaniel says. “Either that or fail.”

I glare at Nathaniel. All day he’s been snappy. What’s put him in a mood?

“Thanks for the boost of confidence.”

We spend the rest of the class working on the group project, devoting the last fifteen minutes to a section of the choreography where Nathaniel has to spin me around in a circle.

“Bae Jaewoo!”

I trip over my feet.

Nathaniel follows the direction of my gaze. “What do you keep looking at?”

“Nothing!” I attempt a change of subject, “You’re from New York.”

“This is true.”

“What’s it like?”

My grandparents on my dad’s side only recently moved to New Jersey to live closer to my aunt, and I haven’t yet had the chance to visit them.

I never really thought about New York other than it being the city where the Manhattan School of Music was located. But now that I’m in Seoul, where the city is so much a part of everyday life and culture, I’m curious what it’s like.

“Think of Seoul,” Nathaniel says. “Picture it in your head.” I close my eyes, seeing the city in my mind, the constant movement, the cars, taxis, buses, and motorbikes in the streets, the huge buildings with bright signs in Hangeul and English, the hundreds of restaurants, cafés, shops, markets, the museums and palaces. It’s like a symphony in my head.

“Are you picturing it?”

“Yes,” I breathe.

“Now picture a thick layer of dirt over it all. That’s New York.”

I scowl.

After class, I quickly pack my bag and leave, wanting to avoid both boys in XOXO. I don’t make it far.

“Jenny!” Nathaniel says, catching me in the stairwell. A few students cast us curious glances.

“What’s up with you?” he asks, pressing his shoulder to the wall. “You’ve been ignoring me all week.”

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