Page 35 of XOXO

The rest of the day is a blur. After lunch, I attend orchestra ensemble and meet with my cello instructor for solo performance class. She has me play a few scales and my competition piece from last fall. I’m a little rusty from not practicing for over a week. Then she gives me a schedule to sign up for hours in the academy’s practice rooms. When I bring up the showcase, she tells me we won’t start preparing our pieces until late April.

After class, Gi Taek and I decide to grab a quick dinner down the street at Subway, since Angela’s still at rehearsal.

Back in the dorms, I take a long, hot shower, then wrapped in only a towel, I sprint down to the hall to my room. I can tell Sori’s back because the lights are on when I open the door. As per usual, she doesn’t look up from a dance video she’s watching on YouTube.

Putting on my pj’s, I pick out a sheet mask from the set of ten Halmeoni bought me, slipping out the dewy mask from the package and placing it carefully onto my face. I then plop downonto the bed, phone in hand, laying a towel over the pillow to protect it from my wet hair. Honestly, there’s nothing better than self-care after a long day.

Putting in my earbuds, I pick up my phone. The browser opens to the last thing I googled, right after lunch before I had to rush over to orchestra.

Nathaniel. XOXO. Scandal.

I glance through the bookshelf divider to where Sori’s still watching videos. Is it weird that I’m googling my roommate? It’s none of my business.

Except, itiskind of my business, since I live with her. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself.

I click on the first link. Back in November—around the time XOXO was in LA shooting the music video for “Don’t Look Back”—Bulletinhad released photos of XOXO’s Nathaniel with a “mysterious trainee” from Joah Entertainment. Photos of them walking down a dark street holding hands. Photos of them leaving Nathaniel’s dorm, where he lives with the other XOXO members. Photos of them in Nathaniel’s car. The face of the girl in the photo is blurred out, but now that I know her identity, it’s clear the mysterious trainee is Sori—same body, same hair. Same clothes. I can see the pink bomber jacket in one photo hanging on the clothing rack in our room.

I wonder if Joah Entertainment paidBulletinnot to reveal Sori’s identity. Sheisthe daughter of the CEO. Either that or they weren’t legally able to, Sori being a minor and, as a trainee, not yet a public figure.

“Jenny?”

I almost tumble out of bed in alarm. Sori stands by her desk, one hand on her now-closed laptop, as she looks over in my direction.

“Yes?” Thank God my voice sounds like I haven’t just been stalking her on the internet.

“Never mind.” She moves toward the doorway to turn off the light.

I almost call out for her to wait. Does she want to ask me about Nathaniel? I could ease her mind, that I’m not interested in him, that the person Iaminterested in is spending more time with her than me. Oh, and that he thinks I’m a shameful secret.

Instead, I say nothing as she shuts off the light and climbs into bed. I take off my sheet mask and place it on my nightstand to throw away in the morning.

She’s not a snorer so it’s silent in the room. I can’t tell if she’s asleep or if—like me—she’s looking at the ceiling, dizzy with thoughts.

I want to ask Sori about herself. What’s it like to be a trainee at Joah Entertainment? Did she always want to be a K-pop star or was it something she had to do, because of who her mother is?

Why is she always alone at school? I haven’t seen her speak to anyone besides Jaewoo. Why did she even opt for having a roommate when she could have had a single? Was she hoping thatI, said roommate, could have been a friend? An ally? A confidante?

Had I ruined that when I read that postcard? At this moment, I don’t think I’ve regretted anything more in my life.

Most of all I want to ask her what it’s like, to love someone whom you can never have. Not to say she was in love....

Or that I am.

I wonder if she would have ever started, if she knew how it would all end....

This is the last thought I have as I drift into oblivion.

Sori’s alarm goes off at five the next morning. I lie in bed, listening to her get ready, changing into workout clothes and slipping out the door, duffel bag in hand.

Unlike yesterday, the cafeteria is open for breakfast and I join a bleary-eyed Gi Taek and Angela at our same table from yesterday. They’re sharing a package of morning rolls from the convenience store. Gi Taek passes me one and I nibble on it as my eyes scan the room.

“The members of XOXO won’t be here today,” Gi Taek says, as if reading my mind. “They have rehearsals from nine to eleven, then a taping from two to four.”

“How do you know that?” I ask. That information seemed very specific.

“It’s on their fan café.”

I don’t even want to ask what that is.

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