Page 67 of Deny Me

Twenty-Eight

Despite the confidencemy mother’s conversation instilled in me, I still couldn’t find the courage to do anything about it. Every time I picked up the phone, I remembered the hurt look in Jameson’s eyes when I delivered those callous words. I remember the cold anger when he told me to get out. I’d even skipped another family lunch. Each week I missed my family more and more. But I’d begun to settle into a pattern, and I didn’t know how to get out of it.

I didn’t know how to explain it. I knew what to do, but a fear of falling held me back from taking action. I knew my time was running out with Luella. Her messages leading up to Sunday reminded me that she didn’t give a shit what was going on with her brother, she still expected her sister from another mister at lunch. She wasn’t impressed with my avoidance skills. I’d even blown off lunch invitations with her, causing her irritation to grow with each “no”.

So, I wasn’t surprised when I saw my door flung open on Monday afternoon from my perch on the couch. She swung the door closed behind her and dropped her bag before cocking her hip and staring me down. Sitting there frozen, I gave her a look of wide-eyed innocence.

“I said last week was your last warning, so don’t sit there looking like you're surprised I’m here. You made me do this.”

“I regret ever giving you a key,” I mumbled, closing my laptop and placing it on the coffee table.

“No, you don’t. You love me and you would never let me wallow the way you are wallowing. Hence, why I used my key.” She stomped over and flopped on the couch.

“I’m pretty sure I gave you a key for emergencies. Not entering without invitation.”

“Your silence was my invitation. You refusing our family lunches was my invitation.”

We sat facing each other, waiting the other out in a silent, narrow-eyed, stare-down.

“I miss you,” she broke first.

“I miss you guys too.”

“So what the hell is going on? I didn’t pry with Jameson – mainly because you never picked up your phone when I called. But Evie, you always figure it out and come around. Rarely is it me who has to hunt you down and walk you through this. What is happening with you?”

Her bright green eyes looked pleadingly at me. She was right; usually I was the one to hold us together when it was needed. But with my best friend’s face scrunched in concern, I realized I was the weak one. I was the one that needed to be held together. An inner voice was telling me how dumb I was not to go to Lu in the first place. She was always my home; she was my family. Just having her there before me, willing to work through my issues already helped another scattered piece of me fall back into place.

“I fucked up, Lu.” Flopping back on my couch, I stared up at the ceiling.

“I know. I may not know the details since Jameson won’t talk to me about it. But I know you fucked up,” she said. I laughed because we never held back with each other and she didn’t sugar coat things and tell me it would be okay. She smiled at me. “So tell me everything you’ve been holding back the past few weeks. Let me help you.”

And I did. I started with how I turned down Italy. Even though she tried to hide it, her eyes lit up with happiness and it was another weight taken off my chest, knowing I’d made the right choice. I could’ve never left that woman behind. Then I led into my mom’s words at the spa before finally ending at our conversation the previous night.

“Well, who freaking knew? All that time you thought your mom regretted your father. That was the foundation you built your relationships on. And now it’s shifted. No wonder you’re a hot mess.” She reached over and soothed my hair back from my forehead. I cherished the moment, since Lu wasn’t a fan of physical contact. It made her comfort that much more precious. “So what are you waiting for?”

“What?” My head jerked up, confused at what she meant.

“Why haven’t you called Jameson? You love him and want to be with him. You’re staying in Cincinnati. So … what are you waiting for?”

“Lu, did you miss the part where I was a raging twat and he told me to fuck off?”

“No, and I don’t appreciate you hurting my brother,” she reprimanded before moving on. “But come on, Evie. I have watched that man mope and be depressed all damn week. I’ve been brushed off by you for just as long, just to storm in here and find you a hot mess hiding in your apartment. You both are so miserable. Why keep doing this?”

Swallowing, I dropped my head and stared at my fidgeting fingers. I didn’t want to say it. But she waited me out. She knew what I was going to say, she was smart like that. But still, she waited for me to come to terms with it.

“I’m scared.” With tears pooling in my eyes, I looked up at her. “What if he doesn’t want me? What if I messed up too much?” She still sat with pinched lips, knowing there was more. Taking a deep breath, I pushed on. “What if we fail and in the end, and it hurts so much more than this? It’s already hurt so much and I don’t think I can survive worse than this. What if I become a bitter woman like my mom?”

“There it is,” she whispered. “There’s the fear you’ve been carrying around with you.” I opened my mouth to argue, but she held up her hand to halt me. “Don’t sass me. Just accept that I’m right.”

“You’re enjoying this whole comfort thing a little too much,” I grumbled.

“Well, it’s nice to feel needed every once in a while. You’re always the strong one, so let me feel strong for you for just a minute. I’m sure it will pass soon.” Her smile fell, and I knew our joking was over. “So, once upon a time, some brash chick sat me down and called me on my bullshit fear. When I told her I was scared of being destroyed by love, do you know what she said to me?”

Breathing a laugh, I shook my head. “It wouldn’t be love if it didn’t,” I said softly.

“It wouldn’t be love if it didn’t,” she repeated back to me, nodding her head. “You pushed me. Despite your disbelief in loving someone, you pushed me. And those words were all I needed to hear. So, I’m giving them back to you. I hope you hear them. Because you were right; it wouldn’t be love if it didn’t have the possibility of destroying you. It’s all-consuming that way. It’s also what makes it so amazing.”

“So, what do I do?” I whined, my shoulders slouched over in defeat.

“Well first, you shower. And maybe eat a decent meal,” she said, looking around my apartment at all the takeout boxes. “Then, you get on some sexy ass clothes and you go to King’s and apologize. Maybe beg.”

“I don’t beg,” I deadpanned despite knowing I would grovel to that man.

“Oh, you will. Evelyn Valero is going to get on her knees and beg.”

“Oh!” I explained perking up. “Being on my knees in front of your brother is something I’m great at.”

She cringed from my words, pulling the first real laugh I had felt since breaking up with Jameson. Things were starting to ease back into place. For the first time, I truly believed it was going to be okay.

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