Page 58 of Deny Me

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I steppedout of the shower at the spa with a towel wrapped around me, and made my way to my locker next to my mom and started getting dressed. She’d waited until she was fully dressed to ask the question I knew she had been dying to ask since we got there. “Have you called and let them know you’re accepting yet? Time is running out, and you need to start making plans for your move.” Her words were spoken with conviction, and hope that if she pretended there was no doubt, or man that I’d admitted I loved holding me back, then it would be true.

I froze in the middle of buttoning my shirt. It was only a moment, but I knew she noticed. Still she remained silent, waiting for me to prove the doubt wrong. Swallowing hard, I tried to ignore the way my heart was pounding against my chest. I focused on slipping the buttons through the holes in my top and muttered into my chest, “I’m not accepting it.”

“Excuse me?”

I knew she’d heard me when I looked up and met with her narrowed eyes. “I’m not accepting the position,” I said with more confidence.

Her nostrils flared above her pinched lips as we had a stare-off. She was waiting for me to change my answer, and I was waiting for her anger to be released. I never wanted to disappoint her, and I knew she wanted me to take this job, but I couldn’t leave Cincinnati right then. I had too much there for me. “It’s because of him, isn’t it?” Her words were low like they were all she could let out between her lips because if she opened them any more she would’ve released the storm of emotions brewing in her eyes.

“No, Mom. It’s because I don’t want to leave Cincinnati. It’s my home.” I denied it having anything to do with Jameson, but the way he looked at me and said I love you was all I could see when I thought of Italy.

“No, Evelyn. You are your home. You are all you need, no matter where you go.”

“Mom, Cincinnati has become my home. I like it here. I like the people here.”

“No. You fell in love,” she spit the word with disgust. “I gave up everything for your father. I gave up my degree and became a stay-at-home mother to support you, and look what it got me.” She waited for me to answer, but I just stood there, her words starting to crack my confidence and instill her doubt. “Nothing but a broken heart.” She answered for me. “I was left broken and alone with no way of supporting you. We struggled so hard until I was able to get myself back together again.”

“I know, Mom. I know. But it isn’t always like that.” I tried to plead with her, but memories of watching her wallow in her anger and struggle with part-time jobs until she finished her degree hammered away at me, reminding me of why I only needed myself.

“But what if it doesn’t work out? What about when it doesn’t work out and you miss this opportunity? What then?” she asked. “Or what about when another opportunity arises? Will you give that one up too? How much are you willing to sacrifice of yourself for another person?”

I wanted to tell her that Jameson always supported me. But unbidden, the memory of his initial anger when I told him of Italy came barreling in. The way he asked me to stay for him. I tried to push it away and answered one of her questions about if it ended, ignoring the latter half. “Then I’ll move on.”

She threw her arms in the air in defeat, as though all her lessons to me in childhood had failed. “You think it’s so easy? Well, it’s not. Love will eat you up and spit out only bits and pieces, and it’s up to you to get it back. All those opportunities you passed up while holding on to a foolish dream will be gone, and you will be left with nothing.” Her face softened along with her tone. “Baby, you’ve got your whole life to fall in love. I’d hate for you to walk away from a once in a lifetime opportunity for something that may not be around in six months.”

Her pleading words formed a crack in my mental image of Jameson’s words. It was when she dropped her anger and softened her tone to show her real fear for me that her words shattered the image I had and began falling apart. Tears filled my eyes as I tried to figure out what was going on inside me. I tried to reach for the pieces of what I’d imagined between me and Jameson, and put them all back together, to see it more clearly. But it was getting lost in her words reminding me of who I was and that I never held back for anyone. That by holding back, I would lose myself the same way she did.

I gave one more weak effort, trying to say the words aloud, trying to remind myself of the broken image of Jameson. “Mom…” But my voice broke off. A couple of months wasn’t enough to hold up against years of independence. It wasn’t enough to hold up against everything I had been taught. Jameson’s smile floated away and was replaced by my mom pleading with me to be independent and grab on to success.

She reached out and clasped my hands. “Baby, don’t do this,” she begged. “Don’t give up on this for a chance at love. You have your whole life, but this will only happen now. Don’t give this up. Please.”

A tear fell down my cheek and I dropped my head to hide it. She was right. I was willing to give up my dreams on a chance. Who knew what the future held, but Italy was for sure. I nodded, giving in to her words.

“You’re right, Mom. I didn’t think it through.” I capitulated, looking up and meeting her sad eyes.

“Aw, my baby. I know it’s hard. But just imagine how much it would hurt if you waited and let yourself fall deeper in love and then lost it. Along with the opportunity,” she soothed me with her hand on my cheek, wiping my tears away.

Taking a shuddering breath, I only nodded. I couldn’t handle any more words. She wrapped her arms around me and rocked me back and forth, brushing her hands down my hair.

“I’m sorry, baby. I always wanted to save you from this.”

I didn’t even know what to think anymore. My heart was crushed, and I already missed the way Jameson’s arms held me. But I had to remember who I was. I was Evelyn Valero, and I put myself on hold for no one. Even someone who made my heart race.

I had just become lost in the moments over the past few months. It was time to set it all aside and remember myself first. No matter how much I felt like I was dying inside.

* * *

As soon asI stepped into my apartment, I closed the door and slid down to the floor. I curled into a ball and sobbed into my knees. I don’t know how long I sat there, the contents of my purse spilled out on the hardwood next to me, looking just like the mess of my life. Once I calmed the flow of tears, I stood up and moved to my bed. I stripped down and burrowed under the covers, staring at my phone, wanting to call Jameson, but knowing, starting then, that I wouldn’t be able to lean on him anymore.

I had to cut the ties right away.

Pulling the covers over my head, I let the tears fall as I tried to remind myself who I was.

I am Evelyn Valero. I need no one but myself.

But it all sounded wrong, because usually the words came with a feeling a strength and pride. Instead, I was sitting in the bottom of a pit that I had never felt before. It was an unfamiliar feeling and it made remembering who I was even harder.

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