Page 37 of Deny Me

Fourteen

“So it’sour last full day in paradise. Will you miss it?” I asked from my cloth-covered seat on the beach. Jameson had scheduled a beachside dinner for two for our last night.

‘Come as you are’ he had said to me after our day spent on the beach.

‘And how am I?’ I had asked.

‘Gorgeous.’

It was so simple, but hearing it in Jameson’s deep timber and seeing his serious eyes, it had melted me from the inside out. He didn’t give flippant compliments.

So there we sat at a linen-covered table with candles and tiki torches setting the mood. The sun setting across the crashing waves lit up the evening sky up with a mixture of stars and fiery pinks and oranges. It was a beautiful juxtaposition.

“I will and I won’t,” he answered, staring out across the water and then looking back at me.

“That’s vague.”

“Well, of course I’ll miss this. It’s been fun and it’s beautiful here, but real life is calling and I need to get back to the bar.”

“There’s the controlling Jameson we all know and love,” I said with a smile. “I bet it’s killing you to not know every detail of what’s going on at King’s.”

“It’s been hard,” he agreed. He stared at me before continuing. “But I’ve had some distractions that make it easy to forget everything not right in front of me.”

Blushing, I ducked my head not sure what to do with his compliment. I had been given thousands of compliments throughout my life. They almost always seemed shallow and insincere. But coming from Jameson, they affected me differently than ever before. I knew he meant every word.

“Yesterday you mentioned your mom a little. Did she ever remarry? Do you remember your dad?”

Biting my lip, I stared out at the ocean. It seemed the perfect distraction from staring at him and letting him see the panic in my eyes. I knew my mom might not have been normal by conventional standards. But she was my mom and I loved her. Naturally, it was hard to talk about and avoid judgment from others. I was protective of her.

“No, she never remarried.” I kept my answers short. “And I don’t remember much about my dad. I remember what he looked like and small snippets of him playing with me. But nothing else.”

He slowly nodded his head in understanding. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Don’t be.” I waved my hand dismissively. “I was young, so I didn’t feel the loss as keenly as most. I can’t imagine being older and losing a parent. I don’t know how you did it.”

“It was hard.” He pushed the dessert around his plate, deep in thought. “It’s bittersweet. You get all these memories to keep with you forever. But on the flip side, those same memories can haunt you and make the loss feel that much greater.”

I reached across the table and placed my hand on his. “I’m so sorry, Jameson. I know life hasn’t always been easy for you.”

“It is what it is.” He shrugged. “There are things I wish I could change, of course. But looking at where we are in life, I think we did okay.”

“You did great. You’re an amazing man and there is no way you can look at Luella and not be proud of what all your sacrifices gave her.”

“I wish I could have saved her from feeling all the loss.”

“Well, that’s because you’re Jameson and you have to take on the world and control it,” I laughed. “You did enough. And she’s lucky to have someone who cares so much.”

“Yeah.” He heaved a sigh, finally looking up from his plate toward me. “What about you? Was your mom there for you?”

“My mom gave me everything important about myself. She taught me to love myself and showed me how to be a strong, independent woman.” Even though I never talked to people about my mom, watching after Jameson open up to me, I couldn’t help but return the gesture. “When she lost my dad, she was devastated. Devastation turned to anger,” I swallowed, “and I think that anger is what sustained her through life. She never wanted to experience that loss again, so she never dated again.”

“Never?” he asked, clearly shocked.

“I mean, I’m not naïve. I’m sure she had … dates. But my mom always told me that she didn’t need a man. She reinforced to me what love could do if you let it in. She always told me that I didn’t need any man in my life.” Staring at the candle flickering on the table, I laughed and imitated her exact words. “Evelyn, if you are strong on your own, you won’t ever need a man or his love. You love yourself enough, and you will never have to experience the soul-crushing pain of losing it.”

Still laughing, remembering her usual mantra, I looked up to find Jameson looking at me with furrowed eyebrows.

“What?”

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