Page 31 of Deny Me

Twelve

“Didyou plan all this before you came to Jamaica?” I asked the next day over brunch on the patio. Apparently, Jameson had booked us a sailing activity for the day.

“Not really. I browsed the activities before I came, but I thought I would play it by ear. But since I have someone to spend my time with, I thought I would try to make the most of it.”

The fact that I could be that person for him made happiness swell in my chest. Stuffing a muffin in my mouth, I hid my smile. I didn’t want to give him a big head. At least not any more than I had already with all the orgasms I’d given up to him. The man was better at bringing me pleasure.

“So what is it we are doing again?” He mentioned it earlier as we were leaving my room, but all I could remember was that it had a weird name.

“It’s called Hobie Cat Sailing.” At his answer, I raised an eyebrow at the off-the-wall name. He smiled. “Trust me, you’ll love it.”

The thing was: I did trust him. I mean, he was always solid, reliable Jameson. But on this trip I had begun to see a different side of him. It could have been all the sex making me more aware, but there were times I would catch him watching me with a deeper look in his eyes. Like he was studying me. As though he was trying to see what was so different about us this trip.

It filled me with equal parts excitement and dread. No man had ever looked at me in a way other than with desire and lust, trying to seduce me out of my clothes. Jameson looked at me like he wanted to know inside me, every part. It was disconcerting, because the more he looked, the more I wanted to let him in.

Obviously, none of it was planned. But still, in the farthest reaches of my imagination, where I imagined Jameson and I hooking up, I thought it would’ve been one night of drunken debauchery followed by a morning of awkward regret, never to be repeated again. Instead, Jameson had spent the previous two nights with me in my bed. Hell, we had napped together after the spa the previous day. Napped! As in he held me in his arms—with clothes on—and we’d just slept.

Sure, we had woken up and had sex, but it wasn’t our original intention when getting into bed.

The bigger surprise…

I had liked it. A lot.

I had felt so relaxed after my orgasm, so safe in the cocoon of his large body. So content after spending the day with my friend. Because he was. Jameson was my friend first and foremost. He had watched me grow up with Luella and make my way through my crazy college years. We picked on each other, but I knew that if I ever needed anything, Jameson would have been there.

But to feel that mixing with the newly forming sexual part of our relationship was confusing. It created a stir of emotions inside me and they churned like waves. But then I remembered we were on vacation in Jamaica. I was sure once we got home, things would settle back into the ‘equilibrium’ that Luella liked to refer to.

Shoving the confusion aside, I smirked and cocked an eyebrow. Leaning my elbows on the table, I sat forward and squished my breasts together for him until they almost spilled out of my bikini. “Will we be alone?”

“Yeah…” He dragged it out slowly staring at my cleavage. “I have experience with Cat Sailing if that is what you’re worried about,” he finished a little defensively.

“Oh, I have no doubt of your …. experience.” Licking my lips, I continued, “I just wanted to make sure we were alone so I could enjoy all of your experience.”

He picked up his mimosa and drained the contents before grabbing my hand and jerking me out of my seat.

* * *

“Tellme about your life before college,” Jameson asked from next to me as we lay on the middle netting of our sail boat. Turns out a Hobie Cat sailboat was like a small catamaran. It looked like two canoes, called hulls, held together by netting and magic with a sail in the middle. Before we had tied off to a small buoy further out in the ocean, Jameson had showed me his skills by tipping the boat onto one of the hulls and making me scream in fear that I would fall off and die.

He called me dramatic and I called him an asshole. But in the end it was thrilling and made me want to jump all over him as I watched his muscles flex and tighten while he controlled the boat.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything. Were you just as crazy in high school as you were in college? What’s your family like? You’ve talked about your mom and how she’s a little … intense.” He stumbled over the correct word to use when describing my mom. In all fairness, he’s only met her a couple times briefly and seen how she misses holidays for work. “But what about everything else? Who you were before I knew you.”

His words washed over me, pressed down on my skin. No one had ever asked me about how I got to be the way I was. No one asked me about my past. Luella knew, but she was my sister from another mister. And sitting there with my eyes closed against the shining sun that warmed my skin, my fingers linked with his, I didn’t know how to answer.

Jameson judged me for my relationships, or lack thereof. He judged my lack of self-consciousness and filter. But that was okay, because it was me. The me who was comfortable in her own skin. What would he think about who I was when I was still figuring myself out so many years ago? What would he think of my mom and how she shaped me?

“I don’t know.” I paused, trying to pick out the words that were less likely to be judged. He squeezed my hand. “I guess things felt more crazy in high school because I hadn’t quite accepted myself. I guess I was the same. I was always open to new experiences. Maybe a little bit more careless as I tested the waters mixed with caution about how other people saw me.” I peeked over at him to gauge his reaction about my carelessness. Instead, I was met with his impassive face taking in the sun and my story. “But I was still figuring things out. And I still cared about what people thought of me. At least in the earlier years. But in college, I had Lu and she was unlike anyone I had ever had before. With her by my side, I felt okay with finally letting loose. And as you know, I did.”

He heaved a sigh. “Yeah. You both did.”

“We weren’t that bad.”

“I guess you were okay.” He paused moving his head back to face the sun. “Maybe.”

Reaching my hand across my body, I slapped his bare shoulder. “Tell me about you when you were in high school.”

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