Page 36 of Read Between the Stars (Turn it Up Spinoff)

“It’s just how many times-” she cuts herself off and I hear a deep breath and a hard exhale before she continues. “Look, I need a little more ti-… I’m going to be a while longer, is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay, I’ve got nowhere to be,”as always. “Just tell me what you need.”

“Okay… Luna can do whatever until seven, and then she needs to put on pajamas and settle down with a movie or a book. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” I echo with my arm out, even though she can’t see me. I want her to realize this is watching her kid for a little bit, not rearranging the moon and stars. “Simple.”

There’s a brief silence on the other end before she finally says, “Okay.”

Luna and I shot some hoops in her driveway for a while before it was her “settle down” time. She disappeared into her room and then reappeared a few minutes later in what I already know are her favorite pajamas with the super hero girls on them. She has a large book tucked under her arm as she re-enters the living room.

“Hey, kid,” I say from the incredibly comfortable cream-colored couch. “What have you got there?”

“Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets,” she tells me. “I have to read for a half-hour every day. Will you help?”

“Sure, what do you want me to help with?”

“The Harry Potter books are real difficult to read, but I like them and I can’t watch any of the movies unless we’ve been through the book first,” she starts her rapid explaining again as she rocks back and forth on her heels. “We read the first one so I got to watch the first movie, and now I want to get through the second so Mom will let me watch the next, but I need help.”

“Okay, come on over and we’ll read some of it together.”

She comes over to the couch and curls in next to me as I open the book in my lap where she has it book marked. It’s not the same book I remember reading. As I examine it, I realize it’s a special edition for kids that seems to have condensed the story down, and has illustrations.

“So how do we do this?” I ask.

“Mom reads and I follow along, and when she comes to some words she thinks I can read, she points to them,” she explains quietly. She seems tired already.

“Okay,” I say, and then I think of something I want to ask her that I don’t think will push any privacy boundaries. “Hey Luna… why did you want to come home so badly? You strike me as the type that would have jumped at the chance to go to Katy’s and play with her kids.”

“I’m just comfortable and feel safe here,” she explains lifting a shoulder as I nod. “And I want to be here when Mom comes home.”

“Makes perfect sense,” I tell her with another nod before I turn to the book and start reading.

Kasey

Just as I’m pulling up to the community center, my phone rings. I kill the engine and dig in my purse to find Katy’s name on the screen.

Oh no, don’t tell me something’s wrong already, I groan to myself as I pick up.

“Katy, is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” she calmly assures me. “Luna just wants to go home to your house, and Ben has offered to take her. What do you think? Are you okay with that?”

Crap.

I’d really hoped Katy could just pick up Luna with no issues or questions. I didn’t want Ben seeing mein needagain. Too late now.

“No, it’s fine. I literally trust him with her life. He can take her home.” It makes sense. While I haven’t told Luna all about what addiction is and why I struggle with it, she’s a smart kid that deserves to know the parts of it she can understand, and so I’ve been open with her that I have trouble sometimes and need to be with other people that understand. She notices when I’m going through a tough time and she takes comfort in being in our home with her things.

“Okay, chick. Just wanted to make sure.”

I thank her again for everything and shake my fingers out, trying to de-stress. I’m a hot mess of emotions. On the drive over here, I veered between nostalgic memories I have of Evan and the pure, concentrated hatred I have for him now.

I think of the times he’d look at me with those brown puppy eyes and ask,‘how the hell did no one get to you before I did?’or open his arms and say ‘you belong right here, with me’when I had a bad day. And then my insides twist at the memory of him holding up a plastic baggy full of white pills and said ‘my girl and I do things together, don’t we?’

The way he spoke to me and about me made me feel so wanted, like this one person didn’t want anyone else for himself; as if I was the most special thing on the planet, the one he chose. No one had made me feel that way before, and I would have done anything to keep it going. And it still blows my mind how he flipped the switch the second he found out I was pregnant. I knew he’d be shocked at the news after just five months of dating, but with the bond I thought we’d had, I didn’t think it was theworstthing in the world.

‘Get rid of it,’ he’d said with a shrug, like it was the obvious solution. His tone was cold, without a hint of compassion or concern. He may as well have slapped my face. I expected something more along the lines of a hug while he told me he wasn’t prepared, but we’d figure it out together.

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