Page 89 of The Honest Affair

But today it felt like nothing could wash away the filth of the last year. For the first time in my life, New York didn’t feel like a problem I was meant to solve. It felt like a damn trap. And I was a mouse, caught in the cage.

“Zola! Zo!”

I turned to find Derek jogging down the street after me.

“Hey,” he said. “You all right?”

“I just lost my job and my gun. Would you be all right?” I said.

Derek had the decency to look contrite. “It’s a low blow, man. It really is.”

“It’s not even an election year,” I rattled on. “And do you know how many ADAs fuck around with each other? Half of 350 Jay has, and the other half is just waiting to.”

“Yeah, I was, ah, aware of that.” The look on Derek’s face told me he was most likely part of that particular population.

“It’s fucking bullshit,” I said. “I recused myself. I went on leave. I’ve been pouring drinks and moping around this city for eight fuckin’ months, and for what? So I could get canned after giving them everything I had for the last eight years? Fuck!”

I kicked a stray can and considered pummeling a mailbox nearby. I had never wanted to hit something so badly.

“Sorry,” I said once I had cooled down. “I just needed to get that off my chest.”

“It’s no problem,” Derek said. “I don’t blame you. It is bullshit, plain and simple. You’re the best man they have. Cardozo said it himself. Now you’ll just be the best man somewhere else. They’ll be sorry once they have to face you in court.”

I grimaced. Was that where I was headed? I still couldn’t totally imagine myself defending shitheads like Calvin Gardner for a living.

“I, uh, I meant to ask you,” Derek said. “Have you heard from Frankie lately?”

I frowned. “Have I heard from my sister whom I live with?”

Derek shifted on his soles. “I just tried to call her a few times in the past couple months, and I haven’t heard from her. I was wondering if…well, is she seeing anyone?’

I sighed. Originally, I thought Derek and Frankie would be good for each other, but my sister had been acting funny for months now. Ever since running into Sofia’s dad, actually. She staunchly refused to tell me anything about that interaction—only that the guy was not in Sofia’s life and never would be.

But she had disappeared that night at Jane and Eric’s well before I left. And I never did find out if she left in the company of the big Brit, who for some reason called her “Francesca.”

“I don’t know, man,” I said truthfully. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh, um. Good, I guess.” Derek toed his sneaker into the pavement. “So, you and the heiress, huh?”

I sighed. “Don’t act like you didn’t know.”

“Well, knowing and suspecting isn’t the same thing.” Derek shoved his thumbs into his pockets.

“Was she worth it?”

I didn’t have to ask what he meant. But I still didn’t like it.

“I can’t answer that. It’s like asking whether you prefer life without air or water. You need them whether you want to or not.”

Derek looked taken aback. “Need, huh? That’s deep, man.”

I sighed. I wasn’t feeling particularly deep. I was feeling pissed off. And frustrated. And kind of lost.

But underneath all that was a fact that hadn’t been there a year and a half ago.

I could lose my job. I could lose my house, my car, whatever else the world decided to take away from me. But I wouldn’t lose the fact that I was completely in love with Nina de Vries and always would be.

Like the air. Like the water.

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