Page 64 of Careless

The silence is killing me. I want him to say something, but he still has a death grip on the wheel and looks ready to hurt someone.

Is this how it happens? Is he going to explode on me, and kick me out of the car, abandoning me miles from home? I don’t think he would do that, but I have no clue what he is thinking.

He finally breaks the silence and I kind of wish he hadn’t. “I fucked up so bad.” His features are tense with regret.

What is he talking about? Did he screw someone else? No, don’t go there.

How can I not though? Rian has a history of hurting me and screwing other women. Until Halloween, it was his whole M.O. I shouldn’t have thought he would change just because we had sex. Also, I don’t think one night with me would reverse four years of damage. It can be worked through, but it doesn’t go away.

“What do you mean?” I ask, sounding timid and brittle, like a broken child.

“You know what I mean,” his growl steeps in anger and I flinch at his tone. I’m used to getting under his skin and pissing him off, but this is different. This is concerning us. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be yelling at you. I’m the one who fucked up, not you.”

I nod slowly as my fingers braid together in my lap. That’s progress, right? I doubt he ever apologizes to anybody so at least I get that.

“What did you do?”Please, don’t say you were with someone else.I want to believe in Rian, but I don’t think I can trust him blindly. There was a time where Rian was my hero and he could do no wrong, but that was before parties, women, and drugs.

“You know what I did,” he all but accuses. “You were right there. Were you so drunk that you don’t remember?” he questions as he twists his grip around the steering wheel, probably as a way to calm his anger.

Confusion swirls in my mind. “I don’t remember you doing anything wrong that night, and I remember everything perfectly fine.”

He groans and finally meets my eyes. They are filled with so much emotion that it’s hard to identify any of them. “I fucked you. Do you remember that?” The language he uses is crass and so is the tone behind the words.

I remember that. How could I forget? Does he regret it?No, don’t go there, Sorcha. You can’t possibly guess what Rian is thinking.

“Of course, I remember that.” My answer is rife with indignation.

His shoulders shrug in defeat. “I’m so fucking sorry.” His tragically handsome face is twisted with guilt.

My heart picks up speed as the sensation of an invisible hand wraps around my throat, squeezing, blocking my airflow.

It’s not real though. There is no invisible hand. It’s just my anxiety, but this situation is real. I gave myself to Rian, and he regrets taking what I offered.

“Um, okay.”Do not cry, Sorcha. You knew this was a possibility with how flaky Rian can be.I will not cry in front of him. Slamming my eyes shut, I take a calming breath to relax my racing heart. “Are you going to take me home now? If not, I can call myself an Uber. Whatever is easier for you.”

I’m trying out a new path. I don’t want to be that girl who runs away crying every time Rian hurts me or I hear something I don’t want to hear. I need to be better—be stronger.It all starts with baby steps, right?

“What are you talking about?”

I tear my gaze from his confused one to look out my window. I remind myself to keep breathing, don’t get too emotional, and don’t look at him. If I do, I will cry.

“You regret that we had sex. I get it. I just—”

Rian’s snarls like a wild animal caught in a cage. “I don’t fucking regret it. Why the fuck would you think that?”

My eyes snap to his in surprise. I can’t help the confusion in my voice. “Well, didn’t you just say you are sorry we had sex?”

His icy blues glare at me like I’m the biggest idiot he’s ever encountered.

“What?” I retort, in no mood for …. Whatever this is.

“I’m not sorry because we fucked, kid. I’m sorry because of how rough I was with you.”

Was Rian rough? Yeah, but why is that something for him to apologize for? I figured he was rough with every girl he fucks.

“Okay. You were rough. So what?” I liked the pain as it mixed with pleasure. It made everything ten times better, even if my body disagreed the next morning.

“So what?” he gapes at me.

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