Page 87 of Searching for Nova

“Want another drink?”Jace asks, stumbling over to me at the party. “Liam’s over there pouring shots.”

“I’ll pass,” I tell him.

I’ve been here two hours and haven’t had a drink. I need to be sober so I can drive to Nova’s apartment. On my way there, I’ll stop at the grocery store. I’m guessing her fridge and cupboards are mostly empty and what little food is there Ted takes for himself. He’s such a selfish bastard.

“Why are standing by the door?” Jace asks, taking a drink of his beer. “You going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I told you I have plans with a girl.”

“Yeah, right. I forgot.”

This is what I was worried about. At school today, Jace agreed to cover for me if my parents called to check if I was at his house. I doubt they’d call, but you never know with them. They go through cycles of being super strict and then being more lenient. They’ve been lenient this week, but only because they’ve both been really busy.

“You’ll still cover for me, right?” I say to Jace.

“Yeah, okay.” He scratches his head. “What am I doing?”

I sigh. “If my parents call you after the party, you tell them I’m at your house.”

“Right.” He nods. “Got it.”

“And who’s this girl you’re going to see?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just need you to cover for me. Your parents aren’t back until Sunday, right?”

“That’s what they said.” He looks over at Liam. “I gotta get some of those shots before they’re gone.”

“Go ahead. I’ll see you tomorrow at the gym.”

He stumbles off. I go out to my Jeep, happy to be getting out of there. I like parties, but only if I’m drinking. If I’m sober I feel awkward, and that feeling of not belonging creeps up. It felt good to finally admit that to someone, to say it out loud. I’ve never told anyone that. I told Nova because I feel like I can open up to her and because I knew she’d understand.

As I’m driving to her place, I get nervous, knowing there’s a chance she’ll tell me she wants to end this, not just the physical stuff, but our friendship. Nova runs from whatever she’s scared of, and trusting people, letting them get close to her, scares the shit out of her. That’s why she blew me off that week after I saw her at the diner. She knows I’m the one person who can tear down the walls she puts around her, and that’s her worst fear—to be vulnerable, to let people see when she’s sad and hurting, to let people help her. That’s why I’m worried she’ll panic and tell me to go, not just tonight but for good.

I stop at the grocery store and call her.

“You’re not coming,” she says when she answers. It’s just like I said. She doesn’t trust people. She thinks they’ll bail on her because that’s been her history. Her dad didn’t stick around. Ted’s always threatening to kick her out. I left her when we were kids. That wasn’t my fault, but she still feels like I bailed on her.

“I’m on my way,” I tell her. “I just stopped at the store. Any requests? Chips? Ice cream? What are some good sleepover foods?”

“Whatever you want. I don’t really care.”

“You still like those little powdered donuts?”

“Yeah. I like the chocolate ones too, but you don’t have to get them. Just get what you want.”

I’m totally getting them. If she says she likes something, it means she wants it. She just has a hard time asking for what she wants.

“I’m heading in the store. I should be at your place in about 20 minutes.”

“Okay, see ya.”

She didn’t tell me I couldn’t come over, so that’s a good sign. But I don’t think she’ll agree to date me. That’s a huge step for her, not just because it’s a commitment, but because she knows I’ll treat her well, and she doesn’t think she deserves that. It doesn’t make sense when someone’s nice to her. She doesn’t trust they’re being sincere. She was that way when we were kids too. And then there’s her fear of being hurt. I left her once, and she’s worried I’ll do it again. She’s been telling me that all week, and as much as I try to assure her that won’t happen, she still doesn’t believe me. It’s true I’ll be moving away next summer, but I’m not going far. It’s a little over an hour away. That’s nothing. And even if we weren’t dating, I’d still drive back to see her. I don’t want to lose her again. The last time I was forced to, but now I’m older and able to keep her in my life, if she’ll let me.

“Who are you?” an old lady asks as I stand outside Nova’s apartment, holding the grocery sacks. I check the apartment number to make sure I’m at the right one.

“He’s the new kid Nova’s fucking,” Ted grunts. I look past the old lady and see Ted in his chair, chugging a beer.

“Is that why you’re here?” the old lady asks, looking me up and down.

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