Page 47 of Searching for Nova

“But you guys have sex. You touch during sex.”

“That’s different. It’s sex, not cuddling. He doesn’t like cuddling, holding hands, any of that. But I don’t either, so it works.”

“I don’t believe you. I think you’d like it if a guy held your hand or held you in his arms.”

I did like it, when Easton did it. But that’s over. He’s gone.

“Has Mateo really never held your hand?” Rielle asks.

“Never. And if I tried to hold his, he’d be yelling at me to give him space.”

“You need to dump him,” she says, rubbing her belly. She’s always doing that, even at school. I’m not sure she even knows she’s doing it.

“I don’t need to dump someone I’m not even dating.”

“Then you need to stop giving him sex. The friends who have sex thing never works out, except for the guy. The girl just ends up getting hurt.”

“I’m not getting hurt. I know what this is. I knew it’d never be anything else.”

“But don’t you want more? I mean, Mateo’s not even much of friend, is he?”

“Not really. We’ve kind of ended the friendship part of our relationship.” I sip my soda, my gaze going to a guy who’s tall like Easton, with big muscles and the same color hair. I keep doing that. I keep noticing guys who look like Easton, sometimes thinking it’s him.

“So you’re just having sex?” Rielle asks.

I look back at her. “Yeah. I guess.”

“And this is what you want?”

“Not really, but I don’t want a boyfriend either. You know my history with guys.”

“You pick the wrong ones. So do I. But it’s not too late to change that. I obviously won’t be dating any time soon,” she says, rubbing her belly, “butyoucan. And you should. Fuck Mateo. Well, don’t fuck him. You know what I mean. Dump his ass and find a guy who actually wants to be with you, for more than just sex.”

“I’m not sure that guy exists,” I say, but my mind immediately goes to Easton. He’s a guy who wants to spend time with me, but I won’t let him do it. I’m not getting my heart broken again.

“What about that guy who dropped you off?”

“What guy?” I say, not sure who she means.

“That guy with the Jeep. The one who was at your apartment last weekend. Jamie said she saw him dropping you off.”

Jamie is a girl at our school. She lives in my building. I didn’t see her the day Easton was there, but maybe she was in the parking lot or just walking by.

“He’s just a friend. He gave me a ride home.”

“She said he walked you to the door.” Rielle smiles. “And that he was really hot.”

“He is, but he has a girlfriend.”

“How do you know him?”

“We met when we were kids. I haven’t seen him in years, but a couple weeks ago he showed up at the diner with his friends. I didn’t recognize him at first, but he recognized me.”

“Is he nice?”

“He was when we were kids. I think he still is, but I don’t really know. We’re different people now.”

“Are you going to see him again?”

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