Page 15 of Searching for Nova

Ted storms up to me, pointing his finger at me. “You want to stay here, kid?”

I don’t answer. He knows I have nowhere else to go.

“You do what I say, you hear me?” He puts his face up to mine. “Just because we’re related don’t mean I gotta keep you. The last thing I need is another mouth to feed. You want to stay, you do what I tell you.” He backs away. “Now go get those steaks.”

“I need to get dressed first,” I say, staring back at him.

After he leaves, I put on a different shirt and go to the store. The steaks use up half of our grocery money for the week. Even though I do all the cooking, Ted decides what we eat and what we buy at the store. If I want something that’s not on the list, I have to get his approval first. And if we’re low on food, he gets to eat whatever’s left, because, according to him, he’s a man and he’s in charge.

Sometimes I think it’d be better to live on the streets than with Ted, but I’ve heard stories about what that’s like and decided I’d rather just put up with Ted, at least until I graduate. After that, he’ll kick me out, but at least then I can work two or three jobs and hopefully support myself.

“Hey, Mrs. Sanchez,” I say as I go in Mateo’s house. His brother let me in and I went straight to the kitchen, which is usually where everyone hangs out, but today it’s just Mateo’s mom.

“Nova,” she says, sounding surprised. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“Mateo said I was invited to dinner, but if I’m not, I don’t have to eat.”

“Of course you can eat,” she says as she stirs something on the stove. “There’s plenty. Mateo just didn’t tell me you’d be over.” She walks to the sink and starts scrubbing a pan. “So what are you two doing tonight?”

“Just hanging out here.”

She shakes her head. “That boy needs to learn how to take a girl out. I taught him better than that.”

She thinks Mateo and I are dating. People at school do too. Mateo’s okay to hang out with, but I wouldn’t date him. He’s too immature, and I don’t really feel anything for him, not in the way a girlfriend should. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel that way about a guy. I don’t know if I could trust a guy enough to let myself even have those feelings.

“Hey, Nova, you just get here?” Mateo asks as he walks in the kitchen. He doesn’t even look at me. He just goes straight to the fridge to get a soda.

“Yeah, I was talking to your mom.”

“You should take her somewhere,” his mom says. “She doesn’t want to sit around your room and watch you play those silly games.”

“She doesn’t care,” Mateo says before gulping down his soda. “That’s why I like her. She’s low maintenance.” He laughs.

His mom sighs, like she’s given up teaching him how to treat a girl.

“Nova, let’s go to my room,” Mateo says.

I follow him up there, hoping he’s not wanting what I think he wants. I just got here. He could at least talk to me first.

He shuts his door and comes over to me, giving me the smile that only means one thing. “Hey, babe.” He grabs me and presses his mouth to mine.

I push him back. “Is that the only reason you wanted me to come over?”

“I thought you liked it.”

“Not all the time.” I walk over to the window and see his younger brothers playing outside. “Sometimes it’d be nice to just talk or watch TV together.”

“That’s shit people do when they’re dating. I thought we agreed that’s not what we want.”

I turn back to him. “We don’t have to be dating to talk or do stuff together. ”

He comes over to me and puts his arms around my waist. “We do stuff together.” He gives me that smile again. “C’mon.” He kisses my neck. “We haven’t done it in over a week. Don’t you miss me?” He grabs my boob. “I’ve missedyou.” He kisses me.

I try to get into the kiss, make myself feel something, but I can’t. I never can. Maybe I’m broken. Maybe I’ve tried so hard to make myself not feel anything—about anyone—that now I can’t feel anything at all.

We’re on the bed now and Mateo’s got his hand up my shirt, squeezing my boob as he kisses me. I should feel something, right? I mean, you’d think I’d feel at least a little pleasure being touched like this, but I don’t. I really don’t feel anything, not even a little aroused. It’s not like Mateo’s not attractive. He’s short, but muscular. He’s on the baseball team so he works out a lot. He’s got thick black hair and dark brown eyes and dimples in his cheeks when he smiles. But he still doesn’t do anything for me.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he says, smiling at me as he yanks my jeans down. My shirt’s still on, but he doesn’t care about that. He only wants me naked where he needs me. He undoes his jeans and pulls his cock out, then grabs a condom from his nightstand and rolls it on.

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