Page 65 of Searching for Nova

“Trying to pay. I didn’t mean anything by it. I just didn’t want you spending money you needed for groceries or whatever else you need.”

“You’re not supposed to worry about that. If you want to be friends, you can’t treat me differently than you would your other friends. I’m not going to be your charity case.” I pause. “I’m still not even sure I want us being friends.”

I struggled to say that last part, because it’s not true. Despite what I’ve told him, I want to keep spending time with him. I feel better when he’s around. I don’t feel so alone. I have friends at school, and I’m friends with the waitresses at the diner, but I still always feel alone, except when I’m with Easton. He’s only been back in my life for a couple weeks and I’m already becoming attached to him. It scares me, and makes me want to tell him to go away.

“Can you just give me a little more time?” he asks, giving my hand a squeeze.

“Time for what?”

“To get to know you again.” He stops in front of my building. “I know it’s not what you want, but tonight wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No,” I mutter, avoiding his gaze. The truth is, it was the best time I’ve had in years, and all we did was have dinner. Easton has this lightness about him that makes the dark stuff in my life seem not so dark. He had that as a kid, too, which is why I immediately liked him.

“Any chance we could keep it going?” He points to the sack. “You could drop that off upstairs and we could go do something else.”

“Like what?”

“See a movie. Go bowling. Take a walk. Whatever you want.”

I’d do any of those things if I didn’t think it’d lead us down a path of getting even closer. But it will, and I can’t let that happen.

“I need to go.” I open the door and get out. “Thanks for dinner.” I shut the door and race to my building before I change my mind about his offer. I want to go, but I shouldn’t.

Back in the apartment, I find Ted in his chair yelling at the TV. “Can’t you see the fucking ball?”

“Here’s your food.” I set the bag down on his tray. “I’ll get you a plate.”

“And get me a beer. Fuck! He missed the ball again!” Ted slams his hand down on his tray, knocking the sack of food off it.

I walk back to him with a plate, silverware, and two cans of beer. Then I pick up the sack from the floor and take out the steak and potato. I unwrap them and put them on the plate. “Need anything else?”

“Go!” he yells. I thought he was talking to me, but he was yelling at the guy on the TV. This is going to be a loud night.

When I’m in my room, my phone rings. It’s Mateo.

“Hey,” I answer.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Just hanging out in my room. Why?”

“Come over.” He says it in the tone he uses when he wants sex.

“I can’t. I have to study.” I don’t, but I needed an excuse. I don’t feel like having sex with him. In fact, just thinking about it is making me feel kind of sick.

“C’mon, Nova. I’ll be quick. I promise.”

“What happened to the girl you went out with?”

“She won’t fuck me until we’ve gone out longer.”

So he’s using me until she’s ready.

“Did you take her out to dinner?”

“Yeah. Twice. And I’m taking her out tomorrow. I figure the more I take her out, the closer I’ll be to getting some.” He laughs.

He gets sex from me and doesn’t even take me out.

---