Page 67 of Gilded Crown

“A year after I returned, I tried to have sex with someone my age. It was just for needs, and I thought I could handle it. I kept my shirt on and the lights off so he wouldn’t see my back. I couldn’t even get past prepping, and I couldn’t stand his hands being on me. He asked me to top him instead, but I couldn’t stay hard. Everything was too much, and I could already tell he was disgusted with me. He said being sickly must have ruined me, and I was also stupid for wanting to wear a shirt in the dark, and...there was other stuff I don’t want to repeat. I haven’t dared attempt it since then. Sometimes, I really want to try again, but I’m too afraid I’ll go soft, and it just won't work.”

Jari tried to calm his breathing. If he could, he’d kill every one of them fuckers. Every single one. The leader of that group would suffer a particularly painful death, and he’d choke the one that shamed Aurelius. Even though that courtier hadn’t known the truth, Aurelius had only been a year past trauma and likely had no support, definitely not healed, and he’d attempted to do something only to be insulted and treated like trash.

He gripped his arms to keep them to himself. That one night also made sense now. Aurelius, being sloshed, must have thought Jari despised him enough to do a hate fuck.

Of course, it wouldn’t have been the way he wanted, and Jari didn’t fuck drunk people.

“I'm sorry, Aurelius. For all of that. Nobody has the right to judge you for trying to cope with things or how you do it. I’m guessing that you’ve never spoken to anyone about this?”

Even while going insane, how could Eurig have let Zora go free after what they’d done to his oldest child?

“I tried. Eurig said I was lying, and King David would never allow such a thing. I guess Mammon was responsible for that and stopped him from ever doing anything since it wants me angrier and more likely to use my powers. I couldn’t talk to anyone since we had to keep up the lie of my being ill. The Zorians kept me inside a boxcart, and at first, I thought someone would come to save me. I only got out because a soldier bought me for a night and tried to choke me. I panicked and accidentally gilded him. I didn’t know I could finally do it until then. I managed to get out and make it across the river. The current pushed me far enough down to Wockston. I didn’t know where I was, and I walked, hoping to find someone who could help me, and I finally collapsed. You know what happened after that.” Aurelius sucked in a shuddery breath.

“Do you want a hug?” Jari asked in case he wanted one but was too afraid to ask for it.

“No.” Aurelius slipped his hand closer and hooked his pinky around Jari’s. “That’ll have to do.”

Jari squeezed it back, desperate to offer what little he could. “I’m sorry I kissed you like that.”

“I’m not, but sometimes, I just…I don’t know what to do.” He turned his head. “He wanted me to gild things and couldn’t have that, so he just took everything else.”

Aurelius likely thought Jari would pull his pinky away and make up bullshit about going to bed. Long day tomorrow. Blah, blah, blah. Tomorrow, he’d start mentally pulling away. It would hurt, and Aurelius would regret spilling everything while high, so he’d add extra layers to his shell, be more untouchable, andstomp everything back into a box to shove into the back of his head.

Until it threatened to burst again.

Jari wasn’t doing that or going anywhere, physically or mentally. More than ever, he wanted to lavish Aurelius with affection and show him two men together didn’t have to hurt. He didn’t think the Prince was broken. He didn’t have any other experiences that didn’t lead to pain and shame, and letting someone get close could easily lead to more.

Jari was going to have to show more control which meant not pinning Aurelius to kiss him. Just because he’d responded last time and kissed back, it didn’t mean he always would or that it was the right way to go about it. Anything that happened or didn’t happen between them would have to be led by Aurelius entirely.

“Who’s the guy?” asked Jari. “The leader of the group, I mean. I want his name.”

Aurelius shrugged. “He never told me.”

“What did he look like?” Jari wanted to hunt him down and make him pay.

“He was pretty average. Don’t worry about it.”

“I will worry about it,” Jari said with more of an edge than he meant to. He couldn’t tell if Aurelius was lying and pretending to not know his name.

“I don’t need you to go after and kill him or do anything.”

“He doesn’t deserve to walk this realm anymore.” Nothing Jari could say would truly make Aurelius feel safe. Killing that fucking bastard wouldn’t erase the past either, but it would be worthwhile because at least Aurelius would know that he was gone for good. If he was dead, he couldn’t harm Aurelius or anyone. That bastardneededto pay and suffer for what he’d done.

“We can’t do anything about it,” said Aurelius. “I’d rather you stay with me now, and in the future, I want you to live, not waste your life chasing someone who isn’t worth anything. You’d never get close to him.” Aurelius shifted a bit, and his lips brushed Jari’s cheek. “Don’t let him take you from me too.”

Jari’s throat tightened at the faint affection and the tightness in Aurelius’s voice. That was exactly why that bastard needed to die as painfully as possible. He’d taken so much from the Prince for gilt.

And Aurelius himself…Elira, it took a strong man to survive on his own, get up, and keep going with so much and so many against him. Jari wished he hadn’t yakked on about how difficult things had been for him in his youth that one day. The restraint it must have taken for Aurelius to not backhand him for that comment was insane.

“You’re also not disgusting,” said Jari.

Aurelius didn’t answer that and probably didn’t believe it. “I’m tired,” he finally whispered.

“Do you want to go back to the tent?”

“Yeah. I think I need another hit so I can sleep.”

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