Page 58 of Fool's Desire

He had loved her forever; he was ready to admit it now. No other woman had ever had the ability to cause him to jeopardise his company and his career. Only Desi. And that had been obvious from the day he had gone to battle over her with Eric Oliver, throwing caution to the wind with that very first punch and endangering both. He had been lucky; his misdemeanours had been concealed and suppressed, but in truth, he would have accepted them and their consequences if it had meant that he got to keep her.

But she had read it all wrong and disappeared from his life, and that was what had gutted him. He had been prepared to give up everything for her, but she had run away. From that moment on, he had vowed to never let anyone close enough to hurt him again. She had the power to hurt him now. Joel didn't know quite what he would do if he couldn't pull this off, but he knew he would never forgive himself if he didn't at least try.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, raking his hands through his thick black hair as he waited. Was she even at home? he wondered.

When the door was eventually opened by his cousin, Joel froze. Jake stood in front of him, shirtless and rubbing his wet hair with a towel. Joel closed his eyes and sank his teeth into his bottom lip as a shaft of pain ripped through him and he lifted tortured eyes to his cousin's face. He didn't dare dissect the scene in front of him too deeply. It would tear him apart.

"I need to talk to her," he whispered, pleading with his eyes for Jake to understand. He loved this man like a brother…but he loved Desi more.

Before he could say anything else, Jake had grabbed him by the lapels, pulled him stumbling into the house and pushed him forcefully up against the wall. Joel's arms hung loosely by his sides as Jake got up in his face, his expression twisted into one of resolve and determination. "Don't you dare bloody hurt her again!" he growled, his eyes holding Joel's as if he was searching for something.

"I won't, I promise," he whispered back.

As he pushed away and brushed down Joel's jacket where his fists had crumpled the fabric, Jake gave a single nod, seemingly content with whatever he had gleaned from that long stare, but Joel wasn't oblivious to the way Jake's jaw clenched and the resigned loneliness that skated swiftly over his cousin's features before he straightened and swept it aside.

Striding over to Desi, who he realised was standing across the room dressed in a bright peasant skirt and a cropped vest top, whatever empathy he felt for what he was about to do to his cousin was washed away by the flood of jealousy he felt when Jake took Desi into his arms and held her close as he whispered in her ear.

Desi wanted Jake to send Joel away. She didn't want to see him or speak to him, not yet. She knew she'd have to, eventually, she just hadn't expected it to be like this, in her own home where she was so much more vulnerable to him.

Jake pulled her to him and held her tight. "Remember what you promised me, Desi," he murmured in her ear, and for a moment, she didn't understand.

Then she pulled back, and he lifted his head as comprehension tickled at her awareness, but Desi shook her head and lifted her hand to his cheek.

Jake brought both his hands up to cup her face, and she could see a sadness in his eyes that she desperately wanted to erase.

"You promised!" he whispered urgently, then pressed a brief but tender kiss to her lips before he wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly while he tucked his face into the crook of her neck.

She felt like he was saying goodbye, and that made tears fill her eyes. Over his shoulder, she glanced at Joel, who hadn't moved from where Jake had hauled him up against the wall. The look of sheer torment on his face as he witnessed her with Jake left her feeling torn and wanting to comfort him, too.

Jake took a deep breath and whirled away from her. Striding back across the room while pulling a T-shirt over his head, he said nothing more, just speared Joel with a serious look before he left the house. The door slammed behind him, but neither of them moved.

Finally, Desi's eyes left the door where she'd tracked Jake's retreat and swung to Joel.

There was a weight of expectation in the air and she felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. In her fanciful mind, she half expected to hear the crackle of electrical lightning filling the space, but all that surrounded them was absolute awareness and a tension that stretched as tight as an elastic band on the verge of snapping.

Desi held her ground, she didn't dare so much as hope, so she just watched. Joel was agitated; that much was obvious. His usual calm, unruffled manner was nowhere in sight. His hair stuck up where he'd constantly run his hands through it and his normally pristine suit looked like he'd slept in it for a week. His tie was askew and the confidence he usually exuded, like it was part of his very soul, was disturbingly lacking. It unnerved Desi to see him like this, it was just so very wrong. For as long as she'd known him, from the very day they'd met, he'd always been intense, unyielding and compelling. Even as a very young man, Joel had exuded an assurance and command beyond his years. They were the very traits that had drawn her to him, a foil for her own whimsy and impulsiveness. Her anchor. She had been in awe of him, compelled by him, ruled by him, and Joel had always been composed and unemotional, but she had never doubted his affection…until that day.

"The day you left," Joel whispered as if he had read her mind. "Was the very worst day of my life. Not because I stood on the verge of an assault charge, not because my education, my career, or even my freedom were hanging in the balance…" His eyes gripped her, full of pain and emotion. "But because you were gone." He took in a shuddering breath. "My whole life lay in tatters around my feet, the control I prided myself on was shredded, I'd left a…family friend…injured and in hospital, the dean was about to expel me, and the police were waiting to arrest me. The welfare of the entire corporation was dangling precariously, completely dependent on how everything played out, but all I cared about was you."

It hurt Desi to see the fear and uncertainty in his eyes. It so didn't belong there, not in this strong, undaunted Dom. She felt her heart splintering for him as the tears that had already been close to the surface swelled in her eyes.

"When Jake told me you were gone…well, at first, I wouldn't believe him. I thought you were just mad, that you needed time to calm down. That belief was the only thing that got me through the chaos of the next few days."

Joel's voice, already low and strangled, broke uncharacteristically and wrenched at Desi's heart. Her hand came up instinctively, but her feet refused to carry her to him, so she waited.

"When I was able to look for you, myself…" Joel trailed off completely and scrunched up his eyes. She watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and gulped in air to compose himself.

"When I realised you really were gone, well, then I didn't care about anything anymore. Dad had managed to smooth things over with the University. He'd infused a huge amount of cash into one of their research centre's as a sweetener, but I was on a path to self-destruct. I stopped going to lectures, my grades tanked, I started drinking and that bloody reporter who burned Jake started sniffing around for another story. I was on the verge of blowing it all over again because, without you, it was all meaningless."

Desi leaned against the closest object, unable to hold herself up any longer, unable to get her head around exactly what Joel was telling her. The images he created completely at odds with the composed, self-assured man that she knew.

"It was Jake who bailed me out yet again. He threw my drunken ass into a cold shower fully clothed and then showered me with a few home truths to boot. Asked me if I was really going to throw away the second chance that I'd been given. He actually threatened to trade places with me. Quite seriously. Said it wouldn't take much for him to become Joel Blackwood; we looked enough alike, he said, to fool most people. He told me he would take my second chance and my future and that while I was drowning in my own pity I might as well take on the revulsion and the disgust that was directed at him after that newspaper article, so at least one of us could get on with our life and provide the company with what it needed."

Tears spilled unchecked down her cheeks, and she could feel herself trembling, even though she adamantly refused to read anything into his words.

"When I finally managed to pull myself together, my control issues were even more pronounced than before and I vowed that no one would ever get close enough to destroy me a second time."

A small cry left her lips at the idea that she had caused him so much pain. She knew only too well just how that felt, how far a soul would go to protect itself from the type of debilitating hurt that only the truly adored could inflict. Her unhappy heart felt like it was bleeding for him and all she wanted to do was soothe his pain and shield him within the protection of her arms…except she didn't know if that was what he wanted from her. Maybe he was just telling her all this to purge himself, to allow himself the freedom to move on. Because she wasn't stupid, as much as the knowledge hurt, she knew that's what he had been trying to do. Having had the same struggle, herself, she wouldn't deny him this, if this was what he needed. She loved him enough to want him to be happy, even if that happiness didn't include her. She needed to remember that he was engaged to another woman. Desi nodded to herself. Yes, the image of Anita would keep her from making a complete fool of herself and offering Joel more of what he didn't want.

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