Page 35 of Fool's Desire

"That's pretty much a moot point, Joel. Regardless of what happened between us last week, I have no desire to visit clubs or rejoin the lifestyle." Desi's eyebrows pinched together and she paced across the floor in front of her full-length windows, shaking her head.

"I was only ever in the lifestyle because of you, Joel. And while Jake may well be right about my submissive tendencies, it really makes no difference. There's no way that I'm going to be putting myself out there as an uncollared submissive, making random hook-ups. That's simply not the kind of life I'm ever going to be comfortable leading."

Joel clamped his hands on her biceps to stop her pacing and spun her around to face him. He ran his palms down her arms and then back up again, cupping her shoulders and squeezing lightly.

"That's your decision, of course, but that's not why I made the suggestion." Joel gazed at her intensely. "Can you honestly tell me that your original training hasn't impacted on your vanilla relationships?"

Desi was quiet, pondering that truth, pushed back into yet another bad memory of her last lover. Their relationship had been a very slow burn, but she had believed she was getting close to James. They were both professional people; they moved in the same circles; they understood each other's commitments. Their conversation was easy, though, granted, usually about business. They had partnered each other for business and charitable events; they had gone out to dinner and occasionally even the theatre. There had been no sizzling passion, but Desi had already learned the hard way that there needed to be more to a relationship than sex, so that hadn't been a concern…until they eventually got to the bedroom and her life had imploded once again.

It had been almost five years ago, and after their first—and last—sexual encounter, Desi had given up on ever having a successful relationship with a man and had accepted that loneliness would probably be her companion forever.

If she had been closed off before James, then she was doubly so after. The little confidence she had regained after that dreadful night when Joel had broken her heart had been washed away in a torrent of angry words and recriminations after James had completely failed to arouse her in even the smallest way but had proceeded to spit vile condemnation at her already battered soul as he accused her of being frigid and unresponsive and likened having sex with her to having sex with a blow-up doll. In fact, he had claimed he probably would have had more fun with a blow up, rubber doll.

She hadn't thrown his words back at him. She hadn't drawn attention to the fact that she'd been equally disappointed in him so that maybe some of the blame lay at his feet. And she may well have thought exactly that, but still, the final tentative shreds of her assurance and self-worth as a sexual being had shrivelled away and she had resigned herself to being alone, because being alone didn't hurt as much as allowing other people to get close; the only thing that came from that was a shit ton of pain.

James had walked out of her life that very night, and Desi had given up what little social life she'd had, too humiliated to risk running into James at the kind of events they both used to frequent.

Joel cupped her cheek, bringing her back to the present. "I can see the answer in your eyes, Desi. And I know, because when I made love to you yesterday, there was no kink, there were no commands, but you were as quiet and still as always. I'm not sure you would even have allowed yourself to climax if I hadn't verbally given you permission."

Desi stiffened and Joel saw the pain in her eyes as she tried to jerk away from him.

He caught her to him instead and crooked a finger under her chin to pull up her gaze back to his. "It's okay, sweetheart. I understand. It's how you're conditioned. It's how I moulded you. But it's not working for you now, and I want to fix that."

On Monday, Jake had invited himself for dinner, turning up on her doorstep clutching boxes of her favourite Chinese food, and over strips of Szechuan style crispy beef and noodles he had added his voice. "So…Joel has approached me about helping him to retrain you," he had begun tentatively.

Desi wasn't shocked. She had accepted over a decade ago that the BDSM lifestyle had a rather subjective set of principles and her understanding of the dynamics involved had led her to accept them not as wrong, but simply as different. In some ways, their ethical code was far stricter than that of the general populace, no matter that the sometimes-casual sexual acts and the idea of sharing might be seen by many as being immoral. In fact, a Dominant in a committed relationship, and even those who played on a more casual basis, often took their commitments far more intently than the average husband or boyfriend did in the care and attention they offered their submissive partners. They were bound by strict contracts which governed treatment, limits and negotiations that they valued with the utmost seriousness. A submissive was usually revered and treasured by a Dominant in a way that a girlfriend or even a wife might not be in a vanilla relationship.

Jake had been a part of her initial training, and the intimacy with him had been one of the things that had cemented their friendship.

"You agreed?" she asked, more out of curiosity than anything else.

Jake nodded. "I think it's a good idea," he hedged.

Desi arched an eyebrow, inviting him to continue.

"You've embraced the idea of taking your life back. I see this as a natural progression, a way for you to have more natural relationships with people in general, not just lovers."

Jake shifted uncomfortably in his seat but ultimately opted for honesty, and she appreciated that above all else.

"The way I see it, you currently internalise everything. Every single one of your feelings, good, bad or indifferent, you keep it all inside and it affects not just your relationships with other men, but with everyone around you. With your friends, with your acquaintances, with your business colleagues."

Jake took hold of both her hands in his and continued earnestly. "It's not rocket science to guess that you would also apply it to your lovers, maybe even more so because you have an acquired urge to protect your heart. You told me, yourself, that your sexual encounters have been disastrous. I'd put money on the fact that it was because you don't allow people to get close enough to know you, to understand your preferences, to tell them your wants and needs in a way that allows them to satisfy you."

Jake forced her to look at him and to acknowledge his words. Words that had her trembling inside as they hit their target. She may never have acknowledged those very feelings and reactions consciously, but she couldn't deny the bullseye accuracy of what Jake was saying.

"That's not fair on you, Desi. And it has nothing to do with protecting yourself from the hurt which you almost seem to expect. You deserve more from life than you're allowing yourself to experience."

"I don't know, Jake," Desi faltered, closing her eyes against his intense stare. Did she really want to make herself that vulnerable?

"Then ask yourself this one question, and answer it honestly," Jake demanded. "Do you really want to live each and every day of the rest of your life like you do now?"

So, here she was, on a weekday evening, dressed for business but standing in the middle of a sex club, surrounded by four sexy, Dominant men, her heart beating so damn hard it felt like it might explode out of her chest and her throat so dry she couldn't even swallow.

The urge to flee was chasing the butterflies in her churning stomach, and the fine tremor that vibrated through her entire being had everything to do with trepidation and nothing to do with desire.

Jake had warned her that Connor and Logan would be joining them, and she had almost balked at that information, but he had talked her around, persuading her that none of this would work if they didn't push her boundaries to the extreme.

She had accepted that, at the time, but she still couldn't bring herself to look at them right now.

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