Page 36 of Fool's Desire

It was only Jake's words that kept her rooted to the spot. 'Do you really want to live each and every day of the rest of your life like you do now?' The answer was a huge, resounding, 'No!'

She was tired of being lonely, of closing herself off from the world, but she didn't know how to adjust. She understood that her instinctive reactions towards people weren't normal, that she hid her needs and wants, that she suppressed her feelings and desires because she never allowed herself to let go, and that was the aim of this exercise. To force her to let go.

Desi didn't know if it would work, but she didn't believe it could make things any worse. And if there was the tiniest chance that things could change, then she figured she owed it to herself and to her future to try.

Joel regarded Desi carefully and was aware that the other three Doms did the same. She was lost in her own little world, her eyes unfocused and her gaze far away, typically isolated from the people and the space around her.

It made Joel's heart ache to see what she had become, especially when he recalled the friendly, outgoing girl she used to be. When they had first met, she seemed to have a glow that lit her from within and which drew everyone to her like moths to a flame. It was the very thing that had initially attracted him to her.

Now, it was as if life and circumstance had extinguished that unique radiance and Desi did little more than exist in the shadows. He held himself accountable for a lot of that and felt responsible to try and breathe light and sparkle back into her life once again. To do what he could to fan the embers and ignite the sparks that they generated between them into something warm and bright and permanent, once again.

Jake went up to her and slipped his arms around her, drawing her back to his chest and whispering what he guessed were words of encouragement in her ear.

Joel watched as Desi closed her eyes and relaxed in his hold, curling her fingers around the forearm that was wrapped around her shoulders.

He knew a moment of intense, piercing jealousy at their easy camaraderie and clenched his hands and jaw in reaction, only to take a deep breath and will himself back in control of his wayward emotions when he became aware of Connor watching him speculatively.

Connor had already had too much to say on the matter and as they teetered on the verge of taking this step, Connor's words came back to haunt him… 'So, let me get this right—you've spent the last eleven years searching for your perfect submissive and now that you've finally found exactly what you always craved, you're going to attempt to turn her into something different? What the hell is that all about, Joel? Or is it just less of a threat for you to constantly be chasing the impossible? That way, you always have a convenient excuse and you never have to commit yourself. I wonder just who you're actually trying to kid here, buddy. Is it the rest of the world or is it really yourself? And what if you succeed? Have you thought about that? Once you've changed her into something that no longer poses a risk to your composure, will you open your eyes one day and find that you can't forgive yourself for throwing away the only thing you ever really wanted?'

Right now, Connor looked to him with a raised eyebrow and his head cocked to one side, daring him to go ahead with his plan. Or maybe challenging him not to. In the end, it was his cousin who eventually moved things forward.

"Right, let's do this thing," Jake said decisively. "Connor's got a flight to catch later."

Jake had surprised him the most. If there was one corner where he had expected resistance, it had been with his cousin, but Jake had been all for it. It made him feel better that Jake thought this was a good idea, knowing that he only had Desi's best interests at heart, and that eased Joel's guilt at the ulterior motive that found him doing this primarily for himself.

Jake shrugged out of his jacket and tie, and the rest of them followed suit.

Joel undid the top couple of buttons on his black silk shirt and rolled up his sleeves as he strode to stand in front of Desi. He stared at her with turbulent eyes and she gazed back at him, her pupils dilating with instant desire, and he felt a moment of uncertainty. Was he doing the right thing?

It no longer mattered, the ball was already rolling and gaining momentum as Jake helped Desi out of her suit jacket and reached around her to start undoing the buttons of her blouse, his eyes challenging Joel to get on with it, and in that instant, Joel realised that even if he did back out, Jake would see this thing through on his own.

"I'm going to push," he reminded Desi. "I'm going to take you outside your comfort zone and past your normal limits. It will be intense and I won't always stop when you want me to, unless I really do think that things are getting to be too much for you. If I think that you’re crying off just because things are getting uncomfortable, then I'm going to carry on, regardless. It's the only way to shatter those boundaries."

Joel wound the hair that Jake had just finished unpinning around his fist and yanked her towards him, sliding his hand around the heated skin of her waist, now that her shirt hung open and gaping, exposing her beautiful plump breasts as they spilled proudly from the lacy white bra that was such a contrast to her tanned skin.

"But know this, a lot of what I did with you was 'smoke and mirrors'. When you really know a submissive, when you have that unique connection, then you come to understand their limits and weaknesses." Desi flinched at the words, but Joel gripped her hair tighter, sending a spontaneous spike of desire surging through her system which flooded her core.

"That's not a criticism, Desi. It's not a bad thing. It's what makes the dynamic work so well, that very intimate understanding and knowledge of another person. It's what makes everything special." Desi relaxed under his reassurance as the whispered velvet of his voice soothed and appeased her ragged nerves even as the soft stroke of his thumb across the sensitive skin of her midriff had her abdominal muscles jumping.

"It's how I can identify that you have less resistance, less control, if I use a whip on you, rather than a flogger. It's what makes me understand that you're less likely to be the quiet, motionless submissive that I desire, if you're watching me while I fuck you. It's one of the ways I control a scene for the optimum outcome."

Desi released a breath that she hadn't realised she was holding as the implication of Joel's words finally hit her. He was saying that she had a lower tolerance to the whip and that was why he'd stopped using it…he was saying...

Eric Oliver's harsh words thundered, uninvited, through her head, 'No wonder you always fuck her from behind, over a spanking bench. At least you don't have to be reminded of how short she is or look at all that 'afro' hair.'

But it was nothing to do with those things, after all. The years of insecurity that those taunts had caused actually had their basis in something else entirely. 'Smoke and mirrors'…Joel's innate understanding that if she looked into his beautiful face during a scene, she would be so much less restrained and disciplined and that would likely undermine both of their control in the situation and spoil Joel's enjoyment of their play. And that, in turn, would spoil her own, because Desi wanted, needed to please. That was the reason for his choices. Not the vile and hateful things that Eric had claimed.

Desi closed her eyes and felt her body heat as the last of her uncertainties tied to that evening in Joel's basement so many years ago finally fell away.

"So tell me now, do you understand what I'm saying, and knowing that, do you still want to go ahead with this?"

Desi's gaze never left his. Her breath hitched and she nodded. Joel's lips found hers in a brief, hard kiss before he spun her around to face the others.

His hand splayed against her stomach and felt like it was branding her skin. He cupped the back of her head, filtering the tresses of her hair through his fingers, and she could feel his erection pushing against her.

"They need to hear you," he rumbled, his breath hot against her ear. "They need to know you're on board with what we are going to do."

Despite her racing pulse and her heartbeat thumping loudly in her ears, Desi calmly looked to Logan, Connor and Jake, in turn.

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