Page 64 of Sustain

I rise swiftly, relief and gratitude washing over me that small crises, while innocuous, can still be handled so friendly between neighbors. Marisha happily agreed to watch the girls for a few hours when I confided to her that I needed to discuss some delicate matters with a friend. Bless her for intuiting my turmoil without prying.

"Thanks so much for doing this," I smile, bending to kiss each of my girls goodbye before straightening awkwardly.

"Take your time, and enjoy your visit with your friend." Her knowing look needs no response.

Marisha waves away my thanks as the girls chatter animatedly about their impending playdate. Within moments the house seems to exhale into a stillness around me. I check my phone compulsively as I grab my keys.

Just then Mackenzie's name flashes onto the screen and I scramble to answer. "Hello, yes, I'm just heading out now."

Her responding voice jacks up my already racing pulse when she confirms our oceanfront meeting spot. I slide behind the wheel, the ignition firing to life. "Brilliant, I'll be there shortly,"I assure her, wheels already churning towards reconciliation, or whatever this is going to be.

Maybe it will just be an ending made kinder for finally being honest? I don’t know how much longer I can keep holding my breath.

I’ll hold it however long it takes, though.

forty-seven

. . .

Francesca

Mackenzie

The salt air kisses my cheeks, carrying that familiar briny vibe that I love about LA. I feel myself standing at an edge here, and not just the ocean. A metaphorical edge that has grown closer since I met Ian.

Truth is I've teetered at this line for years, never daring to fully plunge into love's choppy waters. Always opting to kick my feet to push me back to firm land, and somehow find solace on a lone rock, stubborn against those wild waves.

Love wasn’t for me.

I work in rock ‘n roll. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. Especially relationships. I’ve seen it firsthand. At least, up until my guys found their partners. Once that started happening, and then meeting and falling for Ian like I did, my mind started to change.

But after meeting his daughters? Talk about a tailspin. I don’t even know which way is up anymore.

Yet some intense magnetic pull lately keeps drawing me back to thoughts of him. Maybe we can keep it together if I can get my heart and mind in sync with all of his secrets. Or, I might have to say painful goodbyes if it's too little too late.

I still don’t know what I want.

"Mackenzie..." Ian's voice sounds behind me and I pivot slowly, drinking in his beloved scruffy jawline as he ambles toward me on the boardwalk, looking both weighted down and freer than when I saw him yesterday. His normally sparkling eyes are tired.

My equilibrium shifts. I correct my earlier thought - we already plunged into the deep end of this. I know it and he does too. The choice now is whether to battle against the waves we’ve created or drown in what's been churned up.

I remember a prior thought I had about Logan getting married to Skyler: Learning to swim or just learning not to drown.

I want to learn to swim.

He stops an arm's length away, hopefulness pinging beneath the regret still plain across the features I've mentally traced for countless restless hours since my world flipped upside down.

"Hey...thank you for coming...and for this chance."

My eyes catch briefly on his mouth and skitter away. One wrong move and muscle memory might kick in, recalling too clearly the megawatt voltage of his kiss. I shift my gaze seaward and anchor there. But through the salty haze, my reckless heart knows what it wants most.

Ian searches my face while I sift through my swirling thoughts. Finally, I just sigh. "Why couldn't you trust me? We've known each other for a long time, Ian. Sure, not like we do now, but I thought things had clicked deeper between us."

He scrubs a hand over his scruff in frustration. "You deserved that truth and more. I was a total coward about coming clean immediately. But I won't apologize for my daughters. I'll never apologize for them. I just should have had more faith that you'd understand all of me, including my being a father. Once we really bonded, I just couldn't bear losing whatever this mightbe." He waves at the air between us, his voice cracking with emotion.

"But the longer you waited, the worse it got," I snap off a nearby length of driftwood angrily. “If you would have told me earlier, maybe--”

"You think I don't know that?" Ian combs both hands roughly through his hair. "I hated myself more and more every bloody day I went without telling you. But the dream of you, of us, was too attractive." His eyes burn intensely into mine again. "You're like this flame I can't stop circling closer to, common sense be damned. I fucked up, alright? I know I did."

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