Page 62 of Sustain

I trail off and rake both hands roughly through my hair, grasping for the right thing to say. There is no right thing. "God this sounds horrible, but I didn't know how you'd react. Or that it could ever turn serious between us. I just didn't mention having them at first and then felt trapped as my feelings for you grew-"

"Don't." Mackenzie stops my rambling with a single cutting word, eyes flashing. "Don't you dare pin this on things I confided back when I thought I knew you." She looks away, jaw tightening. "You had a thousand chances to tell me, Ian. At any point, you could've trusted me with the truth."

The weight of her words sinks like stones in my gut. She's right. Of course, she's fucking right. This mess lies squarely on me alone. I drag my eyes up to meet her fiery gaze again, shaking my head helplessly.

"You deserve so much more. I'm so very sorry, Mackenzie. For all of it. For not being honest from the start. And for hurting you now in the process." My chest feels hollowed out and raw admitting that truth at last, but we both deserve that honesty, even if it's much too little much too late.

I take a slight step closer, desperate for her to truly feel my remorse to the bone.

"Mackenzie, I was a damn coward and fool," I admit rawly. "I should have shouted about the girls from the bloody rooftops from day one with you. You have a heart deep enough to encompass anything life throws at you. I know that. I saw it in how you cared for that helpless cat...formewhen I know I hardly deserved your time or attention at all."

I risk another half-step into her space, close enough now to see the pulse hammering in her slender throat. When she doesn't immediately recoil, a reckless hope flares inside of me. I lift my palm to hover tentatively before grazing her arm. Our first physical connection since Aspen rekindles my nerve endings.

"Please believe how sorry I am," I urge hoarsely. "I never dreamed my past could collide with a future containing you until suddenly there you were during that blizzard. You think I saved you, but you were saving me right back. I haven’t felt anything close to what I feel for you. Ever. I thought feelings like this were impossible. After that, hiding it felt like my one and only option. I knew you’d find out, and when you did, it would devastate both of us. And regardless of the million times I almost told you about them, I couldn’t find the right words. Couldn’t think of anything to explain what an ass I am. Because losing this terrifying, breathless thing growing between us felt even worse."

I slowly meet her conflicted eyes once more, allowing the naked truth to shine through mine in return. "I know my actions don't show it yet...but I lo-"

I catch myself just before the massive confession tumbles out, unsure if laying that depth of feeling upon her now might shatter this fragile moment irrevocably. And honestly unsure if it’s the right word for what I’m feeling. My heart and mind are a fucking mess right now. I change course mid-word.

"...I care for you, truly I do. Far more than makes sense after our short time knowing one another." I give a self-deprecating huff of laughter. "Hell, we hardly know one another at all, excepthere."

I tap two fingers lightly over the thudding pulse in her wrist. "Here is where I witnessed who you are deep down; focused, funny, caring. And bloody brave with that cracked leg of yours. Hell, even in the face of my spectacular cowardice..."

I trail off, shaking my head. "I don't know what future pains my omission has cost me, costus. But I'm praying to gods, planets, whatever forces exist that we might find a way through this shitstorm that I’ve created somehow." My eyes sear fiercely into hers now, willing her to see through to the tattered remains of my soul. "Just tell me how to fix this, Mackenzie. I'm begging you. Whatever I need to do. I can't lose..."

You.

My heart screams the word, but my lips won't risk the plunge. So, instead, I stare helplessly, awaiting the ultimate jury's verdict on my redemption.

Please tell me it’s not over.

forty-five

. . .

Hero Takes a Fall

Mackenzie

My head spins as I stare sightlessly out at the LA skyline. Dinner leftovers congeal, forgotten on my kitchen counter. Hours have passed in a blur since I left Ian's place, yet my mind churns in relentless circles.

I press the heels of both hands against my eyes until colors burst across the darkness. It would almost be laughable if my heart wasn't so bruised by this secret double life Ian has been leading that I stumbled upon so accidentally.

Those sweet little girls with their bouncing curls, cobbled cat condo, and art projects littering the floor. That damn cat winding happily between all their books and crayons. It looked for all the world like the family portrait I never dared wish for.

And now it's cracked straight through the center, fissured by Ian's omission. What the fuck do I do with all this?

My phone blinks with another text. Ian’s tenth since I left him and the girls. Begging for a response, for a chance to regain my trust, piece by piece if need be. He even joked about running a background check on him for other stray family members around the globe to prove his honesty now.

I huff a watery almost-laugh. Ian the family man. It's still such a startling image for the brooding ex-rockstar I thought I knew. But one that fits him like a missing puzzle piece now that it's slid into place. Now that I’ve seen it in person.

I just need some time alone to think, to absorb it all without him pleading those heartbreaking eyes at me.Soon. We'll talk again soon, I promise myself, picking up my phone to tap a brief reply.

I bundle under a blanket on my balcony facing downtown, nursing a glass of wine as fireworks burst in glittering arcs over the skyline. Red and gold flash vibrant against the darkness. What should be a sight full of joy and bright hope for the unfolding new year is now steeped in melancholy for me.

My phone buzzes, lighting up with Chelsie's face. I lift it hesitantly.

"Happy New Year!" we both chorus at once, the echo of other years together warming me slightly against the cool night air.

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