Page 61 of Sustain

Hayley tugs on a rather shellshocked Mackenzie while I follow in equal fashion, staring numbly at the neatly gift-wrapped box now feeling like a grenade in my hands.

"Oooh, what'd ya get, Daddy?" June hops excitedly from foot to foot as I fall onto the now-uncushioned couch.

I force enthusiasm into my tone for her benefit, even though I’m still too stunned to feel a damned thing. "Well let's see then, shall we?" Gently I unwrap a stunning set of theIfbook series.

“You might want to wait…” Mackenzie says, reaching out towards me from across the room as if trying to stop a tornado with sheer force of will, but it’s too late. Pandora’s figurative box has already been opened. In more ways than one.

My throat thickens as June traces the ornate font of the book titles with one small finger.

If.

An entire bloody series ofIfbooks, including the one we stumbled upon in the cabin in Aspen. The one that broke both of our barriers down. Well, mostly. What I left out is right in front of us; one next to me, and one next to her.

Seeing that particular volume among them feels like a glaring condemnation now.

"They're so pretty!" June enthuses, oblivious to the hollowness opening within me. “Daddy loves books. He reads us all kinds of stories.”

I look helplessly across the room where Hayley continues introducing a variety of topics to a heroically patient Mackenzie. “Look, I am so very sor-"

My stammering apology cuts off as Hayley scoops up a yawning Stormy, and barrels excitedly across the room. "Stormy remembers Mackenzie too. Did you see? They're friends."

I meet Mackenzie's conflicted eyes as she follows Hayley and gives Stormy a gentle stroke that belies her calm facade.

“We are friends,” she says, giving me a pointed look. Her face is serious, and kind, but her brilliant violet eyes are unreadable. I can see the machinery at work on her emotions but don’t know what to expect from it.

What does it all mean?

“You didn’t say thank you,” Hayley reminds me, taking Stormy back to the impromptu cat condo with June trailing behind. “That’s not polite. Grandma says you should always say thank you, even if you don’t like what you got.”

Rightfully chastised, I announce, “Of course, Your grandmother is right.” I look back up at Mackenzie. “Thank you. This was very thoughtful of you.Thesebooksare very thoughtful. I’ll cherish them.”

If anything, I’m not lying now. Iwilltreasure these books, even though I’m sure she’s going to leave this house and probably never speak to me again, I will covet these books forever.

“You’re welcome,” she says, pulling on a braid, suddenly awkward and nervous. She’s rattled. Of course, she is.

I need to explain.

“What happened to your leg?” June asks before I can even start. She timidly points to Mackenzie’s brace.

“Oh, this?” Mackenzie wiggles her booted foot. She’s maneuvering smoothly without crutches, which is great to see. I hope it means she’s on the mend. “I had an accident skiing not too long ago, and slid smack dab into a pole, and your daddy actually rescued me before a big blizzard hit.”

“He did?” both girls ask, suddenly surprised I would do such a thing. I’m almost offended.

“He did,” Mackenzie nods, still not giving away any emotion on the subject. I can’t read her.

“Well, my Daddy’s a good skier,” Hayley announces, finally coming to the defense of my bruised pride. “He probably swooped right in there and skied you right to safety. Just like he did with Stormy.”

Mackenzie’s eyes tighten ever so slightly. “Well, he called therealrescue squad for me, which is heroic enough.”

I can’t take it anymore and need to interject before my daughters paint her into a corner that she doesn’t want to be in.

“Girls, keep an eye on Stormy for me while I talk outside with Mackenzie, okay?” I set the books aside and move to the patio door, beckoning Mackenzie to follow me, which thankfully, she does.

The girls luckily don’t respond. They’re already wrapped up back in their land of make-believe with Stormy. I wish internally I could go there too, but I’ve got to deal with this situation.

I slide the patio door shut behind us with a gentle click. Mackenzie faces me, arms crossed protectively over her chest, intense eyes turbulent with a brewing storm. I shove restless hands into my pockets. The air lies still and heavy around us, an expectant jury awaiting my plea.

"Mackenzie, I..." Words fail and falter again under her searching gaze. I swallow dryly and start again hoarsely. "After your accident, we bonded so intensely. But when you talked before about not being mother material, not seeing kids in your future..."

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