Page 54 of Sustain

"I know it's confining, sweetheart," I say, "but it's safer for you there. We only have a couple more hours to go. Sit tight." This newly rescued cat is still somewhat unfamiliar with me. I wish I could let her wander freely, but I don't dare on such a long drive. We’ve come this far without incident, I don’t want to push our luck. I pour a splash of water into her collapsible travel bowl, and she laps it up eagerly. At least I can do something right at the moment.

I stretch my stiff limbs and take in lungfuls of sharp desert air. The setting sun streaks the sky indigo and pink behind two young girls chasing one another nearby. The older one can't be more than seven. Her hair, more golden than Hayley's cornsilk blonde, bounces behind her as she dashes around her younger sister. My chest tightens, missing my girls, and anxious to see them.

Still, the scene is so reminiscent of them; their giggles, the way the little one's nose crinkles when she smiles, that a lump forms in my throat.

"Daddy, come push me!" the younger girl pleads, clambering up onto a swing.

Her father chuckles, abandoning his conversation with who I assume is the girls' mum to stride over. "Alright, Daisy, hold on tight now."

As he gives her a push, a memory flashes through my mind of pushing Hayley and June on the swings at our neighborhood park back when we were all still together. I'd give anything to return to those simpler days. But really, nothing is ever simple. If I’m really honest with myself, it wasn’t simple then, either.

Part of me leaped at the extra time with them for Christmas, especially now, when I'm questioning so much about my relationships and what future I envision for my family. But theother part of me feels another wave of turmoil crashing over the roiling sea inside. That revelation for Mackenzie, whenever it comes, coupled with my growing feelings for her.... It could change everything.

Itwillchange everything. And if I’m right, it will ruin everything.

As I turn away, melancholy creeps over me at the thought of my own daughters' smiles awaiting me in England. My secrets. I rake a hand through my hair, heaving a sigh.

"One dilemma at a time, mate," I mutter to myself. For now, it's back on the long, lonely highway ahead. It’s only about a hundred more miles home, but the miles between problems never seem quite far enough.

thirty-nine

. . .

Don’t Delete the Kisses

Mackenzie

I scroll through my text conversation with Ian for the hundredth time, chewing on my bottom lip. His last response to me telling him I landed safely still glares up at me, mocking in its brevity.

IAN: Good.

One word. The digital equivalent of a door slamming in my face after the connection we made over those intimate days snowed in. I know the bubble had to pop and real-life rush back in, but I wasn't ready for...this. Distance with radio silence topping it. Question marks where intimacy once flared brightly.

Maybe I'm reading too much into a single text. Ian did have that long-ass drive ahead of him after all. And here I sit waiting for my flight to Vegas, while he's probably hundreds of miles away by now. Kinda wild how close we seemed just days ago, compared to feeling worlds apart now.

I absently twist my porcelain and gold ring, yet another one of the nervous habits I’ve had since I was a kid. Its delicateflower design and gold band was a gift from my mom when I started managing Murderous Crows after high school.

I sometimes wonder what she'd make of the hardened, cynical woman I've become, married more to my career than any regular guy. Until maybe Ian. Somehow, in seeing the gentle care he showed Stormy, and how I fell right in with that care, I caught a glimpse of a nurturing side in myself I scarcely knew existed.

But does Ian see that potential lasting future for us that I'm suddenly scared to lose? I stare once more at that icy one-word text, feeling my heart squeeze.

Maybe the fantasy really did die along with the last glowing embers in the fireplace back at that cabin. Maybe now in the ashes, it's time for some hard truths.

Chelsie will know what to do about all this.

I hope.

I'm attackedby two pint-sized missiles the moment I'm through Chelsie's front door.

"Auntie Mac!" her kids cry in unison, barreling into me. I can’t help but laugh even as I stumble backward a little under the force of their hugs, bracing myself carefully to keep weight off my injured leg.

"Gentle with your auntie right now," Chelsie reminds them from the kitchen. "She's still getting better from her skiing ouchie."

Jett's eyes go wide. "Sorry!" He reaches to gently hug just my waist instead while Lella asks if I want to sit down and play with the dog.

"I'm alright, munchkins." I ruffle both their hair affectionately, limping further inside. "Nothing can keep me down too long. And where is this dog you’re so excited about?"

My best friend emerges, dish towel flung over one shoulder. "They haven't left this poor dog alone since Theo dropped Chip off," Chelsie says, shaking her head with a wry smile. As if on cue, I hear the scrabble of paws on tile and turn to see a spotted mutt bounding toward me, tongue lolling.

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