Page 53 of Sustain

What I think is going to be a brief peck goodbye turns into something much more when Ian pulls me close against him, holding on so furiously that I think he might crush me in his strong arms. The kiss becomes desperate, and I give in to the emotions flowing through me, wanting him to know I’m feeling the same. I don’t want this to end. Any of this.

He pulls away suddenly, as if remembering himself and where we are, his cheeks flushed red, and not from the cold.

“Sorry,” he mutters, his lowered eyes apologetic. “I got carried away…have a…safe flight, Mackenzie.”

“Ian…”

I barely get his name out before he’s trotting across the parking lot to his car. Goodbyes are hard for everyone, but I had no idea he would be this way about it. Maybe stuff like this is too much for him.

Again – maybe, maybe, maybe.

I’m going to drive myself mad with this shit.

No good choices are in front of me, so I get in the cab, keeping an eye on Ian as we pull away. He glances back over his shoulder at me, but only briefly. He doesn’t see me wave goodbye.

The knot in my stomach that started at the end of the festival yesterday tightens. I don’t like this feeling.

I don’t like it at all.

thirty-eight

. . .

Mockingbirds

Ian

Fourteen hours. Fourteen long hours on the road with a very ornery cat who doesn’t appreciate tight spaces.

I crack the window of my rental car, letting in a blast of cold mountain air. Stormy meows in protest from her cat carrier in the passenger seat.

"Sorry, love," I say, adjusting the heat. "It was getting a bit stuffy in here."

I glance over at the orphaned black cat Mackenzie and I rescued during our idyllic days snowed in together. My heart twists thinking of the incredible woman who now consumes my thoughts. Things escalated so quickly between us, it felt like a dream, but now reality has set back in.

Fucking reality.

As the car descends from the mountains, I dread the long drive ahead to LA. Nothing but time and the company of a cat, trapped alone with my thoughts, when all I can think about is the secret I still keep. It’s never-ending.

Guilt gnaws at me. I should have told her right away, but the more time we spent cocooned in that cabin, falling for each other, the harder it became. I know Mackenzie has written offmotherhood for herself. What if she writes me off too once she knows?

It’s not exactly something I can keep from her forever, now, is it?

I grip the steering wheel tighter. Mackenzie sees me as some kind of fucking hero after I rescued her from the slopes, and solved problems for our bands during the chaotic festival. I did what any decent human being would have done, and then I was just doing my job.

If only she knew what a fraud I actually am.

She’ll know. She’ll eventually know. There’s absolutely no escaping it, and I’m making it worse every day I don’t tell her.

Stormy lets out a plaintive meow, jolting me from my brooding. "We've still got a long ride ahead, little one," I tell her, reaching over to stroke her soft fur through the bars of her crate on the passenger seat. At least I have one female in my life who doesn't make me feel like a complete bastard.

Yet.

The miles of highway unwind before me as I resign myself to the drive. I plug my phone into the car’s stereo system to listen to a stream from the festival show. I need to get lost for a while in my head, and taking mental notes of Chaos Fuel’s set is at least one way to do that. The opening chords of "Playing with Fire" pour in. Brad's gritty vocals fill the space around me, transporting me back to the energy of the festival stage. But also to standing side-by-side with Mackenzie, her face bathed in colorful stage lights, head nodding along with the driving bass line. Then I’m overwhelmed with our time together last night… I snap the music off with an impatient stab of my finger.

Bloody hell. What idiot thought that reminder was a good idea? Oh yeah, this idiot.

After hours of listening to one boring podcast after another, I pull off the highway outside Barstow, California, in need of gasand to stretch my aching limbs. As I top up the rental's tank, Stormy meows piteously from her carrier.

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