Page 51 of Sustain

All of this celebration around me, and I’d rather be there.

The disappointment running through me that we’re not going to spend our last night here together is getting overwhelming. I thought for sure we’d been connecting on a deeper level. Something was happening between us. Maybe I was wrong?

“Soooo, rumor has it a certain Brit rockstar-turned-exec-turned-manager was quite the Florence Nightingale caretaker playing to your snowbound damsel in distress. Any truth in it?”

Remy’s suggestive smirk cuts through my internal thoughts and I do my best to hide my blush in my glass as the guys chuckle at his not-so-subtle fishing expedition.

I wish I knew how to answer. I wish I knew what to say, what was really happening between us, because all of a sudden, I don’t know. I thought I did…

"You guys know my love life isn’t a topic of conversation.” I fall back onto my old set of group rules. They can talk to me about their relationships all they want, but they can’t ask me about mine. It’s an unwritten rule, but we all know it’s there. I really don’t care if it’s fair or not.

“C’mon Mac, don’t hold out on us,” Logan goads, elbowing Remy conspiratorially. “I’ve seen enough romantic comedies to spot the ‘snowed-in’ romance trope from a mile away. Plus, I’ve seen how you two look at each other. Something’s happening.”

“What’s between myself and Mr Summer, if anything, shall remain classified intel, gentlemen,” I hold firm.

They exchange dramatic sighs over my verbal barricades. “You can’t blame our curiosity though,” Jake pipes up, nudging me shoulder to shoulder. “Who would be so bold as to date Mackenzie Roberts: the Rock Band Dragoness?”

I swat his shoulder playfully, laughing despite myself. Should I confess to just how readily my dragon scales fell away for Ian? With how we recently parted outside the hotel, I’m not so sure.

But more longing looks toward the exit betray my internal war, provoking secret smiles between all of them. I’m not going to be able to shake off any assumptions they’re going to make, so I simply shake my head, hiding flushed cheeks behind my glass once more.

I glance down at Logan’s now-ringed finger, then over to Skyler, chatting animatedly with a visiting friend and the other band fiancées in the corner. I just discovered five minutes ago that they got married. “Who are you to talk, Mr. SuddenlyMarried Man? I’m offended I wasn’t invited to the wedding, whenever and wherever it was. How the hell did you fit it in when everyone was snowbound?”

His chest puffs a bit as he looks at his shiny new ring, wiggling his fingers, but his smile is rueful. “We got the license in LA before the trip here. We were gonna just have a simple Justice of the Peace thing after New Years. But the bartender in the hotel bar said he was ordained to do weddings when we told him about our plans. And well, one drink led to another, and here we are. Married.”

“You might want to double-check those credentials,” I say, and catch Skyler looking over at Logan, recognizing the emotion on her face. I wonder if I look like that when I’m looking at Ian.

“We did. We did. And don’t worry, I recorded it, Mac,” Cooper says pulling out his phone. “Here, check it out.”

Watching the makeshift wedding in the hotel bar on the shaky video pulls at something inside me. Skyler’s bouquet of bar straws and paper napkin roses is somehow oddly perfect for her. Like me, she’s no frills, no fuss. I don’t think she even has any makeup on.

Logan looks nervous as fuck, but just as happy. Like he’s about to dive into the deepest water he’s ever seen. But it’s one of those situations where he’s learning to swim, not just learning not to drown. There’s a difference, and I can see it in him. He took the plunge with confidence.

It feels almost like my kids are growing up. And this one did it without me. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Obviously, I’m happy for both of them. They are so good together it’s almost sickening. All of them are with their respective partners. But there’s a twinge in my heart, too, not knowing if I’ll ever get to experience that permanence with someone else. I can already feel Ian slipping away from me for no reason.

When the video ends with everyone cheering the ‘kiss the bride’ moment, I hand the phone back to Cooper, swallowing the hard lump in my throat. “That’s amazing. Really. Congratulations, Logan. I’m so happy for you guys.”

Everyone eventually heads off to be with their partners; Logan to Skyler, Jake to Cassidy, Cooper to Sloane, and Remy to Monroe. Everyone made the trip today despite the weather just to be here for the special event. They made the effort. And looking at all of their happy faces makes me happy too.

There was a time when Andy died, that I didn’t think this would be possible. Things looked so bleak, and our troubles seemed insurmountable for a long time. I never expected this success. I hoped for it. I worked hard for it. But I’ve never been one to believe that dreams came true.

This one did.

But the thing is, in making this dream happen for all of us, I ignored my own personal dreams. Well, those outside of my career, anyway. It’s not that I never wanted a partner, I just never thought it could work. That is, until I met Ian. For some reason, he makes me think a real partnership is possible.

And damn it, Idowant my own dream to come true.

thirty-six

. . .

Guiding Light

Ian

Stormy blinks slowly, passing silent judgment as I pace grooves into the antique Turkish rugs covering the cabin’s wood floors. Even the cat knows I’m a bloody coward avoiding the reckoning that coming clean with Mackenzie would bring.

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