Page 42 of Sustain

Chelsie’s outrage over Chip dissolves into giggles. Soon, Jett and Lella’s exploits are thoroughly dissected, and talk meanders, avoiding my snowy misadventures, though it looms ominously.

“You’re still coming home for Christmas, right?” she asks, a bit anxious. “These two have special presents for you that they made.”

“Ooh, more handmade gifts,” I say, thinking about my fridge at home, covered in their artwork. All of them were ‘special presents.’ “I’m running out of room on my fridge. I’m going to have to start framing things soon.”

“Let’s just say these are canine-related, so keep your expectations in check.”

I can already picture the numerous crayon-colored drawings of Chip that are about to decorate my apartment. “Well, tell them I can’t wait to see them.”

Finally, she pounces in typical fashion. “Soooo, anyone special keeping your bed warm up there through this ordeal?”

I nearly choke on my tongue. “What? No. I mean, it’s been busy handling band drama...” The lie tastes sour, and even my ears hear the unnatural pitch of my voice betraying me.

“Methinks the lady doth protest too much,” Chelsie teases. “Spill, woman. Is there a hot medic playing ‘Dr. Feelgood’ while you recover? An orderly with benefits? What about that guy who rescued you that you texted about? What happened to him?”

I squirm, knowing that trying to evade her is futile once she scents gossip. “It’s...not exactly like that. The guy who rescued me, his name’s Ian. He’s another band manager from the label also here for the festival.”

“Oooh, having an intraoffice romance? Scandalous.”

I roll my eyes before genuine emotion creeps in. “I don’t know Chels...it’s complicated, but it’s also just so easy with him? I got snowed in with him at his cabin after I was released from the clinic, and we just connected somehow. But…”

Her tone softens. “But it’s got you freaking out. I can tell from here.”

My throat tightens more. “Am I completely losing it?”

“Oh, sweetie,” Her compassion flows warmly through the line. “It’s about damn time you lost it a little.”

“It’s just...I’ve never felt like this, Chels.” I hate the tremor in my voice revealing vulnerability, even with her. “We survived a fucking broken leg and a blizzard together, of course, emotions ran high. But now we’re back in the real world and yet I can’t shake this, this pull toward him.”

I grit my teeth against the threat of tears I’d deny later. Traitorous tears. Tears Ineverlet loose. Tears that make zero sense.

She doesn’t respond, patiently letting me get it all out.

Damn her.

“Everyone assumes I’m married to my ambitions, which isn’t entirely wrong. It’s exactly who I’ve been. That driven meticulous persona issafe, it’s my armor. You know that about me. I’ve always been that way. But with Ian, that ice just melts. And I can’t rationally explain why. I can’t rationalize any of it.” Frustration punctures the dam, and I swipe viciously at my wet cheeks. “How can I already be imagining a future with him when logic screams it all just happened because of the situation we were forced into? When did I lose my fucking mind?”

“Oh, honey,” Chelsie waits out my ragged breathing. “Maybe you finally found your heart?”

I scoff weakly. “What does that even mean?”

Her smile somehow radiates through the phone. “You gotta stop treating matters of the soul like a freaking spreadsheet, Mac. Stop analyzing and stop running away from vulnerability. Just surrender to this one, it sounds like he might be worth it.”

I absently trace patterns on the cheap duvet, remembering my last intimate encounter with Ian. His whispers. His touch. The phantom of his arms steadies me enough to voice my scariest truth.

“But Chelsie, the fall from feeling this much about someone? So soon? It could ruin me... It already feels too dangerous, and it’s only been a few days.”

“But, and hear me out, what if there’s no fall at all?”

If.

There’s that word again. The insipid title of the book that started this whole entire thing.

Betting everything on a two-letter word seems insane. But maybe…

Maybe.

That word at least has five letters.

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