Page 40 of Sustain

“That’s right. I forgot your shining armor suit was at the cleaners,” I sigh, only mostly kidding. I can’t hide my disappointment very well.

He arches a brow at me. “Would you rather I leave her?—”

“No. No. Of course not,” I say. “I’m just being selfish. I want all of your time and attention.”

Leaning over, I move to kiss his cheek, but he turns his head and catches me with his mouth. Stormy takes the hint and scatters off the bed as Ian presses me back onto the pillows, his kisses moving down my neck.

“Oh, I can definitely give youallmy attention…Let me show you...”

twenty-six

. . .

The Bitter End

Ian

In the bright light of day, we arrange with Billy to get Mackenzie back to her hotel. Before he arrives, I dig out the front walk from the wall of snow that has accumulated while we hibernated. There are traces of where Billy made his way to the door, but they’re already covered back up. It takes longer than anticipated but the solitary exercise at least keeps me from having to face Mackenzie with my lies still fresh on my lips.

Watching as Mackenzie gives Stormy a final ear scratch twists my gut with shame even more. Soon enough our time here, as blissful as it was, will most likely fade into our distant memories.

I should confess before things get too far between us.

But it’s already too late for that.

I’ve dug this hole for myself and every time I think it’s the right time to tell her what I’ve done the words stick stubbornly in my throat.

I’ve ruined all of this for myself. And for her.

Every kiss is tinged with guilt. Every touch is lined with shame. Every glance is shadowed with regret of how much the truth is going to hurt her. But on the other hand, the thoughtof my daughters, and my love for them, feels like something I shouldn’t be ashamed of. And I’m not ashamed of them at all. On the contrary, I am fucking proud of them. My shame is purely on me for lying about them to Mackenzie.

When Billy arrives to ferry us to the hotel, Mackenzie takes one last look around the cabin. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget this place.” Her eyes land on the gold book on the coffee table and a heated look covers her face as she glances at me from under her lashes. “And I definitely won’t forget that book.”

Thoughts of places that book directed us to both physically and emotionally flood through me and I can’t help but smile back and wrap my arm around her waist. “I’ll buy us a copy at the first opportunity.”

She reaches up and pulls me into a kiss so gentle and sweet that my chest aches. I’m going to miss this so much. Having her within an arm’s length of me has spoiled me. With her leaving it’s dawning on me already how alone I’m going to feel.

Like Mackenzie, I’m a loner by nature. I don’t need to have somebody with me at all times. And I treasure the serenity of solitude when I get it. But now that I’ve had her with me, I can see the value of a real partner, someone who you’re comfortable with even when quiet.

I never had that with Brianna. Hell, towards the end, I couldn’t stand to be in the same country as her. My own wife. I’d given up hope of finding someone like Mackenzie. Someone I could feel like this with. Someone you want to share every moment with feels like a rare gift.

The thought that I have to return that gift stabs me in the gut as Billy calls from the doorway, “If you folks are ready...”

I force a wooden smile. Guilt gnaws relentlessly at my psyche after everything that jolly ‘old Saint Billy has done for two strangers. Just add it to the pile. I’m collecting kindling for the funeral pyre that is my honor.

“Ready?” Mackenzie asks turning to leave. Fresh snow reflects the now punishing sunlight, blinding us as we make our way to the snowcat. Mackenzie opts to have an arm around me for assistance rather than her crutches and we make slow progress but eventually clamor on board.

My traitorous heart kicks loudly as I force myself to act like we’re simply off on some new adventure together, rather than retreating from a perfect illusion that I manufactured in my head suddenly to buy myself time. Maybe for just a little bit longer, I can pretend that there isn’t a huge chasm right in front of us waiting for me to fall into it when the truth is revealed.

The longer this goes on though, the harder it’s going to be for both of us. That thought alone kills me. Crushes me.

Annihilates me.

I can only imagine what the truth is going to do to Mackenzie.

After seeingMackenzie settled in her room at the hotel, I steel myself as I approach Chaos Fuel’s row of rooms.

I brace for impact as our production manager Lenny barrels my way, arms flapping.

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