Page 35 of Sustain

I only have to look at Stormy warming herself by the fire to see a glimpse of that. How many people would run into a blizzard only half-dressed to save a defenseless animal in distress? Or stop to help a stranger on a ski slope obviously in need? Unfortunately, these days, not that many. People are too afraid of repercussions to do anything brave anymore. Nobodywants to stick their neck out or get involved. They’re too worried about themselves to try to help.

Not Ian.

My mind eventually drifts to the hotel and the festival. Murderous Crows will manage without my constant oversight, I concede to myself begrudgingly. I wouldn’t dare say that to them, however. But, I’ve seen an evolution in every one of them, including Skyler who’s only been with us for a relatively short time. It’s strange to be so needed for so long to now feel almost like an afterthought. I know that’s not the case, by the sheer amount of work I do, but it’s changed over the last couple of years.

Andy’s death changed everything for all of us. To be honest, I don’t know where we’d be if the accident never happened. I don’t know that it wouldn’t have taken another accident, or tragedy to pull things into perspective for everyone. Not that it was a good thing. Far from it. I miss him every single day, and even just thinking about him now makes me tear up. I think he would be proud of how far we’ve all come. How much we’ve achieved both individually and as a family.

“You alright, love?” Ian’s concerned voice pulls me from my inner thoughts. He sits next to me and gently wipes tears from my cheeks that I didn’t realize I’d let fall.

“What? Oh.” Suddenly, I’m self-conscious, and let out a nervous laugh. I give him a sad smile. “Yeah. Tickety-boo.”

twenty-two

. . .

More Than This

Ian

We both sit in silence for a long while, getting lost in our own thoughts as we’re hypnotized by the dancing flames of the fire. Despite the raucous noise in my head, it’s a comfortable silence. The ease between us feels supernatural.

Mackenzie breaks through with a loud yawn and stretches languidly like Stormy did not minutes ago. Her hidden feline nature cutting through.

“Well, I should let you get some rest,” I say, standing to help her up. “Do you need anything? A pain pill? Assistance of any kind?” My dirty mind and I leave the door open foranypossibility.

She shakes her head, holding a hand out for me to pull her up. “No. I think I’m okay.” She starts toward the bedroom, maneuvering without her crutches now. “But…” She bites her lip alluringly if a bit unsure. “You could maybe stay. With me.”

My pulse trips over the speed bumps of her words. Does she mean...? No, best not to assume. Still, hope springs stubbornly eternal. I can barely get out one word, “Sorry?”

Pink blooms on her cheeks but she shrugs with affected nonchalance. “I mean, if you want. You know, in case I have baddreams again.” Her eyes glint warmly through her played-off excuse. “Strictly for nightmare prevention purposes, of course.”

I can’t restrain my ridiculous grin even as warning sirens blare distantly in my mind. “Of course. Well, I can’t argue with medical rationale like that, can I?”

Following her into the bedroom, I start the literal fire in the fireplace while she gets herself ready for bed. Then I head back out to the great room to extinguish the fire in that one and to make sure Stormy is taken care of for the rest of the night. As I scatter the embers and wait for the ashes to smother any remaining flames I think about Mackenzie, and what might lie ahead this evening.

Maybe I’m assuming too much, and she really means for us just to sleep, which is a perfectly legitimate possibility. She is still healing, after all.

My raging hormones on the other hand have other ideas. I’ve thought of nothing else since this afternoon. And the taste of her, even though fresh in my memory, has haunted me these last hours with her sitting right beside me.

It takes a while for the embers to completely die down enough for me to think it’s safe to leave for the night, and when I do finally make it to bed I find Mackenzie sound asleep.

I have to smile to myself ruefully because it seems like my libido rarely catches a break. Tonight is apparently no different. But it is what it is, and I’ll just have to deal with it.

So, I slide under the covers, and, even in her sleep, Mackenzie is drawn to me. Her warm body presses against my chilled skin, and it takes all my resolve not to wake her. As she leans against me, her hand slides around my waist, pulling me to her. I go willingly, wrapping my arms securely around her, hoping to ward off any bad dreams she might have. Trying to ease her subconscious mind that I’m here and will take care of her.

The thought of taking care of someone, anyone, again, while daunting, is remarkably satisfying. I don’t know if it’s the alpha caveman inside of me that wants to be the protector, or the defender, or what, but I like the idea of taking care of Mackenzie. It’s been obvious throughout our stay that she doesn’t normally allow that, or doesn’t like it, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need it once in a while either.

Everyone needs somebody to take care of them occasionally, and if I can be that for her in her time of need, then I’m happy to do it. Maybeespeciallybecause she doesn’t want it. There are a lot of times someone is defensive, overly independent, or outwardly strong when inside they are only that way because they feel they need to be, theyhaveto be. They don’t know that it doesn’t always have to be that way.

I know I’m like that quite often, too. I think that’s why Mackenzie and I get along so well. We would both rather figure things out on our own than ask for help.

Sometimes that’s a great way to be because you learn new things, and once you’ve learned that thing, you can expand on it and create something else. But sometimes you get in your own way, and your stubbornness becomes a downfall. I haven’t decided yet whether or not Mackenzie allowing me to help her is going to bemydownfall or not. That’s yet to be seen.

Running my fingers gently through her long hair, I listen to her soft rhythmic breathing, wondering what, if anything, can ever come of this. In my heart and mind, I already know I’ve fucked this up by keeping secrets. But God damn, the stubborn part of me wants to think, wants to believe, that if whatever’s happening between us is real, it could overcome something like that. I know it’s foolish and selfish, and all of the above list of bad things, but I still have a stupid wish that miracles can happen.

Maybe for once, they can happen to me.

After several minutes, and just as I am about to doze off, mostly out of exhaustion from beating myself up, Mackenzie seems to stir in my arms. She makes a small noise in her throat as her hand slowly skims across my bare chest up to my neck. As I look down, I see that her eyes are open, and in the dim firelight dancing across her face, I see a desire that matches my own. Just the barest of touches from her, and I’m thrown into a tailspin.

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