Page 20 of Sustain

I don’t know if I should be relieved or disappointed. “Okay...”

“Why were you so against the pain medicine earlier?” His voice isn’t accusing, or judgmental. Just curious.

The question surprises me for some reason. I guess I didn’t think he was paying that close of attention to any of that in the hospital. Apparently, he notices everything. And retains it. Good to know.

It takes me a minute to gather myself and find a way to express what my thought process was.

I let out a long breath, reposition the pillows under my leg, and lean back against the headboard. “When Andy died, I had a good friend who had a hard time dealing with it. They had a problem with narcotics for a little while after that. It became a crutch and a way to not deal with anything.” I swallow hard, pushing myself to talk but still keep it vague. “The friend I knew disappeared for a while, drowned by grief and narcotics. They scared us...scared me. It killed me to just look on powerlessly as they sank further down that hole. It was hard to watch, and I don’t want to go through that or put anyone else through it.”

“Jake?” he asks, again not judging.

I don’t want to name Jake. It’s his business, and I’m not about to expose him. But I don’t want to lie to Ian either, so I say nothing. Jake’s downward spiral after the accident, and then his thinking he caused it was one of the worst things I’ve witnessed. If there’s even a sliver of a chance that spiral could happen to me, I want no part of it.

Ian nods quietly, understanding. “I see.” He shifts his weight, making the bed rock a little. “Well, I can watch over you with that, if you’d like. You know, I can hold them for you, and you’ll have to go through me to get them if you’re that worried about it. A safeguard.”

Still no judgment from him. On any of this. I get the feeling it takes a lot to ruffle Ian Summer’s feathers. His face is in shadow with the light from the hall behind him, but I can imagine the kindness on his face, his green eyes gentle and intense at the same time.

“You’d do that for me?” I ask. I’m not used to people offering to help me, and I’m really not accustomed to actually letting them. I’m the problem solver, not the problem.

“Of course.” He takes my hand into his, and it’s exactly what I need at this moment. He seems to know exactly what to say, and what to do to put me at ease.

“Thank you.” I barely get the words out before a gigantic yawn overtakes me. I know it’s not the pain pill yet. I’m just exhausted. But, I also don’t want to fall right back into that nightmare again either.

“Well, I should let you get some sleep,” he says, moving to get up from the bed. I grip his hand tighter and hold him in place. I don’t want to be alone right now. Not yet.

“Don’t,” I say, not sure what exactly I’m doing. “Can you stay with me? Just until I fall asleep?” My voice is so timid I don’t recognize it. All of this is so out of character for me. I’m not a damsel in distress. But I am being honest with myself. I don’t want to be left here in this strange bed and room by myself. It’s irrational, but it is what it is.

He hesitates. Probably considering if I have other intentions besides just falling asleep. I hadn’t thought of that. It wasn’t a proposition.

I’m about to tell him as much when he gets up and goes out to the hall to turn out the light. For a second, I think he’s just going to leave, but then he rounds the bed and sits next to me on top of the covers.

“Come here,” he says, holding his arms open for me, and I don’t argue. The recent safety I felt in his arms when I woke up was enough for me to crave it again.

I carefully readjust myself, so my leg is still elevated but nestle into the crook of his arm. He gives me a small squeeze as he stretches his legs and crosses his ankles.

“Shall I tell you a bedtime story as well?” he asks, resting his chin on the top of my head.

“You’d better,” I smile. I could get used to this.

“Hmm. Once upon a time, there was this super smart rock ‘n roll band manager who thought she knew how to ski...”

“She sounds amazing.”

“She is. She can do many things. But she can’t ski for shit.” His chest rumbles as he chuckles.

I don’t know how the rest of the story goes, or if I even hear it. I fall fast asleep before I can learn any more about the amazing skiing band manager.

twelve

. . .

Head Over Heels

Ian

The wind howling and the sound of ice hitting the windows wake me. As awareness trickles in, yesterday comes rushing back - the accident, the storm, Mackenzie shaking with sobs in the darkness.

She’s still curled against me, her head tucked under my chin, breaths deep and even. Something in my chest clenches realizing she trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms. I don’t dare move yet, unwilling to disturb this peace.

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