Page 16 of Sustain

I used to. Not any more.

I swallow hard, chasing the fleeting certainty I’m irreplaceable. Maybe before losing Andy. That day something changed. I recognized that chaos governs all, no matter what safeguards I put into place. One drunken night steals a friend and teaches you that you’re just another replaceable cog when it comes down to it.

“I think...” I start slowly, “that I have an organized mind others lack. I thrive handling moving parts.” Ian leans in, curiosity piqued by my hesitation. “But indispensable?” I sigh. “Nobody is irreplaceable. Even me.”

There’s a hard truth in acknowledging my expendability that curdles in my gut. I’m not the star power. Never have been. For once, not sure what else to say, I take refuge in my cooling cocoa, eyes downcast.

“I guess anyone could probably do my job,” I say, “Not as well, mind you, but sure, anyone could step in and tick the boxes.But they wouldn’t know the ins and outs of the dynamics within the band that have formed over the years. Only I do.”

He meets my gaze and holds it for a while as he considers my answer. “You care about them. The band.”

“Well, yeah. Of course.” I can’t help but laugh at the crazy situations with the band that pop into my head. But then I remember losing Andy again, and my laughter dies. He’s been on my mind often lately. “We’ve been through a lot together. Walked through the fire and ended up here. We’re family.”

“Family, huh?”

“Yeah, we’re a sort of found family. And, let me tell you, if babysitting those guys is any indication of how stressful parenting is, no, thank you. I’m good.”

“You don’t want your own family someday? Kids?” Something clouds his expression for a flash before he blinks it away.

I scrunch my nose at the thought. “No. I don’t think I’m made for kids. I love them, don’t get me wrong. But I’m definitelynotmom material. I’m just not built that way.”

The thought of children pops into my head on occasion, especially with Chelsie’s growing brood, but I just can’t picture it. Plus, as I just told Ian, I feel responsible for the lives of a lot of people already. I don’t want to add to my stress.

I mean, never say never, but I don’t think it’s in my cards. And no man thus far has ever made me give it a second thought.

“What makes you think that?” he asks. And he seems genuinely interested, but I’m not sure what to make of that.

Shrugging, I can’t think of anything else to add to what I’ve already said. “I don’t know. It’s just how I’ve always been.”

He nods and looks away, and for some reason, I feel like I’ve disappointed him with my answer.

Odd.

ten

. . .

Hard Not to Hold You

Ian

A strained silence settles around Mackenzie and me once our weighty conversation dies off. I can’t deny my deep disappointment at her opinion on motherhood, considering my own family.

So, why the hell didn’t I mention my girls?

Oh, you don’t want kids? Well, guess what? I have not just one, but two of them. Cross me as a partner off your list right away then.

Something about her being so emphatic against kids just made me clam the fuck up. Like I’d have to defend my own somehow.

It’s bloody irrational.

I clear my throat, casting about for a way to recapture the earlier easiness between us. My gaze lands on the bookcase lining the far wall.

“Well, at least there’s plenty to read if we get bored,” I say a little too brightly. I cross the room to peruse the eclectic titles, seeking refuge from the sudden tension.

Most are dime-store paperback thrillers and mystery novels, along with some hefty historical biographies. But one slim goldvolume stands out, more ornate.‘If...’is etched in red script across its leather spine. Curious, I crack it open.

My eyes widen as I scan the pages filled with questions. Daring, suggestive questions for lovers like,‘If you could be amazing at only one thing in bed, what would it be?’Heat floods my cheeks. I snap the book shut, glancing sheepishly back at Mackenzie.

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