Page 19 of Black Wave

The following month goes by in a blur. I made good on my promise to Evie about taking self-defense classes. It helps to keep my mind off things and allows me an outlet to fight the demons that threaten to consume any remaining goodness I have left in my heart.

“LonelyDay” by System of a Down filters in through the surround sound speakers in the gym. I say gym, but it is more of a training facility that most staff use to keep in tip-top shape. Given the nature of our job, fitness is a must. It has become my job, too, because I am becoming quickly acclimated to the mafia life. I love the family that I was kept away from. There is a fierce loyalty present in this type of environment, where you rely upon one another to keep you safe and are willing to sacrifice yourself to save your family at all costs. I realize that it was always there—engrained in every fiber of my being. The ease that I fell back into the life I grew up in and have now returned to was never really far away. It was always a rolling wave—the familiarity there breaks in a stable, unrelenting pattern.

The song finishes with the last line’s screaming lyrics, andI realize that for the past month or two since Evie has been gone, I am finally allowing myself to feel the crippling guilt. I caused herdeath. Julian may have executed his plan, but that was why they died that night. It has taken some time to feel like I wish I didn’t die in that fire with them.

After my workout, I decide to get on the treadmill and vent my anger. It is the healthiest way I can grieve. I’ve been depressed, and I didn’t want to eat. I realize now that Evie wouldn’t want that life for me—punishing myself. Her ordeal when she was almost assaulted showed me how strong she was. She begged me to become stronger, too. I chose to seek help instead of getting strong, and that backfired. I won’t allow myself the same fate as before. When I meet Julian again, and I know that I will because he will never stop looking for me, I will be ready.

I see the door open in my periphery, and I stop the treadmill abruptly. I take out my AirPods and see my cousin walking toward me with a smile. “Looking good, cousin.” Adrian comes over and peeks around on my treadmill mile count.

“I just started,” I tell him to justify my one-and-a-half-mile log.

He chuckles and raises his hands in the air. “Hey, I believe you. No judgment here. I just came to tell you that my dad wants to talk to you in the courtyard.”

I nod and grab the towel that is slung on the bar of the treadmill. I wipe the sweat off my face and around my neck and chest. I wipe down the equipment and stroll out of the gym, pleased with myself and the effort I am putting into getting stronger, not just in my body but also in my mind. I must have both faculties if I plan on fighting off Julian.

I walk to the courtyard and see Uncle Andrés sitting on the bench across from the water fountain. He has his legs crossed and a drink in his hand. I sit next to him and stare at the water cascading out of the fountain. The calming effects of the water dripping and cascading down the triple tiers make a bubblingsound in the otherwise quiet area. This is my favorite part of the house because it is enclosed and offers security in the hacienda-style home. I hear the rattle of his ice, and he brings the last of the liquid up to his mouth and tosses back the remaining amber fluid in his tumbler. I feel him look my way, and I turn to meet his stare. His lip quirks up.

“How has your training been?” He shakes his ice around, trying to loosen any drops of his whiskey.

I turn my body to face him. “Good. I could use more, but it has been a good therapy. An outlet to release some of my anger and try to ease the thoughts of my family’s death that constantly plague my mind. It also keeps me busy, so what can I say.”

He seems to think before he responds. “I’m glad to hear that. I thought it was about time to implement some of your plans.”

Hearing this perks me up, and I stand abruptly. “You mean it’s time to act and fight against Julian?”

He shakes his head. “No, Emma. It is too early, and they will be expecting it. I am talking about you returning to school and fulfilling some of your dreams of becoming a nurse.”

I open my mouth to speak and then shut it. After a minute, I find my words. “You mean that? I can go to school to study nursing? College?” I am in shock because I thought that was just a dream. I didn’t know I would be able to go to school.

“Well, not right away. I thought you could do your classes here, in Mexico, and then apply to nursing school in another town away from here. Maybe back across the border. He stands up and paces a bit. As he explains the plan, I can see the wheels turning in his head.

“Tio, I can’t go back to Brownsville.” My voice creeps up an octave as I become worried about being close to Julian again. I wipe the sweat that coats my forehead. I am not sweating from the workout at this point, but from the anxiety. He grabs ahold of his goatee, running his fingers up and down, as he usuallydoes when he is deep in concentration. I don’t know if he is aware that he even does it. I certainly am not going to bring it up.

“What do you think about Corpus Christi? It’s not Brownsville. It’s farther up the coast, and I think we could hide you, and Julian won’t expect you to be there. You can go to a community college there. It has an outstanding nursing program, from what I hear. Just take everything here and apply to the associate degree program. It’s up to you though.”

I walk over to my uncle and embrace him. He chuckles and holds on to me, bringing a kiss to the top of my head. “So, is that a yes, Emma?”

“Thank you, Tio. I appreciate this more than you know. The chance at a degree that I can use to support myself later. That is a big yes.”

He releases his embrace to regard me, and I can feel there is something he wants to say but doesn’t continue. Instead, he nods and walks off. I look at his retreating form and wonder what it could have been that he wasn’t saying. I try not to dwell on it and focus on the fact that I am going to college. I’ll have a career. “One step closer to being independent,”I whisper to myself.

I lay back on the lounger and look up at the stars. It is so peaceful out here, and the stars are so bright. I used to do this often, but I wasn’t alone. I remember one time I was out riding with Eduardo. We would take the truck. Since we weren’t leaving the property, just riding through the acreage, avoiding the country roads, I sat close to him, feeling so carefree. My mom saw me and was upset about how I presented myself. It was no way for a lady to be acting. I thought nothing of it back then, taking off with a boy at night. The boy that was my friend until he wasn’t. The man who never gave me my first kiss under a blanket of stars.

“Emma, you are hogging all the covers.” He tugs at the blankets, and I hold on tight. I giggle when he tries to tickle me to let go.

“Eduardo, stop. I ate way too much. I think I could throw up,” I stammer as he lets go to see the seriousness of my scrunched-up face.

“Okay, fine. Take the blankets, but just know you are a little thief, Emma.”

I laugh and turn to face the boy who gets all my smiles. “Why do you always call me that?”

“Call you what?” he says with a smirk.

“Call me a little thief.” He stares intently at me, so I blush, looking away and quickly changing the subject.

“It’s so beautiful out here. I wish I could stay out all night and look up at the stars…with you.” I say this last part in a whisper, but it doesn’t get past Eduardo.

He grabs my hand, and I refuse to look at him. This moment feels different from the boy who would play football with us and push me down into the dirt face-first without remorse.

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