Page 71 of Black Wave

CHAPTER 38

Emma

Eduardo made me stay away from Liv for her safety as well as mine, and it seems like I haven’t seen my best friend in forever. I found out Liv is having a boy and is so happy. I wish we could go shopping for baby clothes, but I understand she is in danger just hanging out with me. Learning that Julian is closer than we thought puts things into perspective. Liv is pregnant and if anything happened to her, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I don’t know what I would do if anyone else got hurt because of me.

I think about my parents and my sister, whom I miss daily. There isn’t a time that goes by that I don’t wish my sister was helping me plan a wedding. I see her everywhere and in certain things that I hear. Sometimes, I can even hear her talking to me through different people.

Occasionally, I pretend that one of my online friends is her, and we are excited to see each other at the Ghost concert. I know it's not healthy, but I am beyond caring about that. I want to see her so bad that I imagine her across the street looking at me just to look again, and she’s gone. That’s what happens when your guilt consumes you. You think you must suffer and can’t forgive yourself for what happened.

After returning from Mexico and promising my family to be careful, I promised Liv I would go to the gala. This is the first time since our shopping trip that I will see her. I picked up the dress from the seamstress last week and know it will fit. I asked Dax to give me some guesstimates from her wedding dress, and I came up with something that would allow for expansion. If it is tighter, that’s okay because it will still look gorgeous on Liv’s tall stature and lithe body.

My knees are bouncing up and down as we round the corner to my old apartment that I shared with Liv. Eduardo agreed that if I took Eli, I could return there for a couple of hours to visit with Liv and give her the dress.

I carry the long material folded over my arm by the hanger and knock on the door before entering. I still have the key because we still have a lease. Eduardo doesn’t want Julian to think I never go here, but I feel unsure since I know he has been here. When he wrote not to run from him in the mirror, I did not want to return here ever again. I feel like my personal space, my sanctuary, was violated. Did he touch my things? Go through my drawers? It’s contaminated with pestilence, and I can’t stay here without feeling the sense of dread creep into my subconscious, alerting me to the fact that he could get to me.

“Honey, I’m home!” I shout as I walk through the door, shutting it with my foot as I throw my tote on the table and place the dress over the sofa. I hear Liv shuffle out of the room. She’s in her robe, and when she sees me, she begins to run over.

Meeting her halfway, I go over and hug her, rocking her back and forth like I never want to let her go. “Oh, Liv. I miss you so much, bestie.” I pull back so I can take a look at her. “Are you even pregnant under that robe?” She releases it, and I see the baby bump. “Oh-my-god. Look at you! You are so cute.”

Liv blushes and holds her belly, turning to the side so I can see her baby bump profile. “Thanks, Em. I don’t look super big, do I?” She is almost self-conscious about it, and I laugh.

“Please. You are pregnant, not big. If I were pregnant, I’d be much bigger because I am so short.”

Liv looks at me. “Are you…?”

I have my hand up to stop that line of questioning right away. “Nope, we are not.”

Liv just smiles. “Okay. Maybe not yet.”

I laugh and swat her arm. “Maybe in the future we can hang out with our kids. Right now, that is a big no for me.”

Liv laughs at my quick response to no babies. “Okay, show me the dress.”

I reach over and hand it to her. “Okay, Liv. Let’s see how it looks.”

She grabs the material, feeling the softness of the fabric moving freely through her fingers. She does a little squeal. I sigh, feeling content in this moment and knowing it won’t last long.

“I’m going to pour myself some wine to see this. I know you still have some around, right?”

Liv laughs. “You know me so well.” She points to the living room. “Yes, on the wine rack that sits on the dining room table.”

I see my favorite wine sitting at the top of the rack with a duck on it. “Oh, yes. My favorite duckie cabbie.” I open the bottle like a pro and pour myself a solid eleven ounces of wine. I sigh, welcoming the complement as the fruity overtones of blackberry, cherry, and plum assault my taste buds. I fight the urge to smack my lips. Liv just stares at me.

“I’m so envious of you right now.” She looks at me and smiles. “Do you have to look like you are enjoying that wine so much?”

“I feel so much better now. Perfect. And yes, I do. You go show me how stunning you look in that dress.”

Liv runs out of the room into her bedroom with the dress. I swear the girl is practically glowing. I am the one jealous of her. She looks happy now. I thought I’d never see that look on her again. It is long overdue.

While I am waiting for her, I decide to go to my old room and look around. I go to the bathroom, and when I stop to wash my hands, I stare at the mirror. Julian was standing right there when he wrote that message to me. My breathing picks up, and I think I am having a panic attack. I breathe in for a few seconds, hold it, and then blow out, repeating the process until I feel calmer.

“Fuck, I need more wine.” I walk out to the dining room and top off my wine though it wasn’t empty. My hands are shaking, and Liv is standing in the hall looking at me when I look up. I try my best to school my features, but I am afraid she’s already seen it. My mask slipped, and all I can do is deflect and redirect her questions. That is, if they even come. She knows, after all these years, my secrets stay hidden.

When I look at her in that dress, I smile genuinely.

“Look at you!” I go over, almost skipping with giddiness at seeing my friend so radiant. “Liv, you look ravishing in this dress. Dax is going to rip this off of you after the gala.”

She squares her shoulders to look at me, pointing her finger and wiggling it in my direction.

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