Page 64 of Ruined (The Knights of Ruin)

Her hand pushed at me. ‘Let me go.’

‘No.’ I gripped onto her jaw so she couldn’t pull away, trying to ignore the hollow feeling in my gut. ‘You’ve been happy being mine for the past two weeks—I know you have. So why is making this permanent a problem?’

‘Smoke.’ She pushed again.

I didn’t move. ‘You think I don’t know you’re scared? You think I can’t see it in your eyes?’

Her hand pressed harder against my chest.

‘You don’t understand. Two weeks ago you were just my friend, and now suddenly you’re putting a ring on my finger and telling me you want to make it legal. You’re in my bed and in my life, and... Jesus, it’s all happening so fast. Too fast. I can’t...think.’ Her eyes darkened. ‘I need some time. I need some space, okay?’

A part of me understood that for her all this was fast. But that didn’t stop the gut punch of disappointment.

I wanted to argue that over twenty years of friendship didn’t make this ‘fast’, then crush her mouth beneath mine, take away her fear, give her pleasure instead. Make her see that all she needed was me.

Instead I let her go, taking a step back, giving her the space she wanted.

She sucked in a breath, straightening her back and lifting her chin. Then she slid the ring off her finger and put it back in the box, closing the lid and setting it on the coffee table.

The hollowness in my gut got wider, deeper. It felt like she’d reached inside my chest, put her fingers around my heart and squeezed it tight.

‘You don’t like it?’ I couldn’t keep the demand out of my voice, disappointment making it sound harsh.

Cat had folded her arms again, as if she was protecting herself against me, and her gaze was full of a hurt I didn’t understand.

‘I don’t like it,’ she said thickly. ‘I love it. The ring is beautiful and that’s the problem. This is everything I ever wanted, and yes, that’s...scary. Because I’ve wanted stuff before and it all went horribly wrong.’

The pressure around my heart eased. Okay, so she did want this after all. She wanted me.

‘The past doesn’t mean shit.’ I tried to resist the urge to grab her again. ‘And nothing’s going to go wrong—not if I have anything to do with it.’

She glanced away, running a hand through her hair. ‘You don’t know that. Every single relationship I’ve ever had has gone bad. Every single one. And every time that happens, I lose.’

Her gaze came back to mine and this time she didn’t hide her fear. It was there in her eyes.

‘I’m tired of losing, Smoke. I’m tired of being left with nothing. My friendship with you is the only thing I have that hasn’t gone wrong.’

I wanted to go to her and take her hand in mine, be the caring friend I used to be. But disappointment and frustration were eating away at me like battery acid. It felt like everything I’d always dreamed of was just within reach, and yet she kept pulling it away.

‘I won’t stop being your friend just because we’re sleeping together.’ I couldn’t keep the harsh note out of my words. ‘It won’t change what we have now.’

She didn’t look away this time. ‘It’s not change I’m scared of. I’m scared of getting in too deep. I need to have something left if this doesn’t work out.’

‘Why the fuck do you think this won’t work out?’

My temper began to slip out of my grip, no matter how hard to I tried to keep hold of it, and frustration was gouging a ragged hole inside me.

‘I’ve been your friend for over twenty goddamn years, Cat, and I’m still your friend now. That’s never going to change. I don’t know how many times I have to say it. I don’t know what else to give you. I don’t know what you want from me.’

Her mouth tightened, her green eyes dark. ‘I don’t know either.’

I couldn’t stand still any more—couldn’t have this distance between us. A distance that felt like it was getting wider with every passing second.

She put up her hand again as I moved but I ignored it, grabbing her hips and pulling her hard against me, pressing my rapidly hardening dick to the heat between her thighs.

‘So fucking think about it, then. What do you need? Do you need to hear the I love you shit? Is that what you want?’

A green flame leapt in her gaze and her temper answered mine. ‘So I loveyou is shit? Is that what you’re saying?’ She shoved at me. ‘Fuck you.’

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