Page 38 of Puck It

It won’t be easy, letting go of this place. It was never really mine, and I always knew that, but it’s the first place I’ve been able to call home in as long as I can remember. Even Erin’s house, the foster home where I spent the most time, was no replacement for having a home of my own. Somewhere I could call the shots, make the rules, live by my own terms instead of dancing to somebody else’s beat. I don’t think I’ll ever forget when I first walked in here and saw all the space. Just space for the sake of having it. Space that didn’t need to be filled unless I wanted to fill it.

I want to laugh at myself now, but I can’t when I know damn well how I had to fight and claw to get here. It’s the first time in my life a dream came true. And it was something I made happen, which made it all so much sweeter.

I’m sure the house in Minnesota will be just as nice. Big, roomy, comfortable. But there’s a reason they say nothing ever beats your first time – this isn’t exactly on the same level as losing myvirginity, but the feeling is the same. This was my first home. I always figured if I ever left, it would be on my terms.

But you set this in motion, dumbass. Yes, because it was what I thought I wanted at the time.

The sudden clanging of the doorbell makes me jump and drop a full box on my foot. “Dammit!” I growl, kicking it before I storm out of my room. I swear, if this is Pete… I mean, I’d be glad to get a look at him and talk face-to-face, but I wouldn’t exactly welcome him with open arms, either. I’m still pretty pissed.

Turns out, it’s the one person I will always be glad to see. Somebody I know I’m going to miss like crazy. Somebody who looks as upset as a girl whose boyfriend is moving away tomorrow. “Hey,” she whispers when I open the door. “I hope I didn’t come over at a bad time. I should’ve called.”

“No, it’s fine. I was only…” The words lodge themselves in my throat. I have to force them out. “I was packing. I could use the company.”And I’m going to have to spend the next six months away from you, so any spare second you can give me is great. I don’t have it in me to say that out loud, but I don’t think I need to, either. If anybody would ever understand what I’m feeling as she steps into the house, it’s Harlow. Just one reason I love her like I do.

“I’d be happy to help.” Her voice is heavy. Sad. Like I needed another reason to hate myself; making her sad. Maybe she’s better off without me. What good can I ever do for her, going off and making split second decisions like an idiot.

“Actually, I have a lot of it already packed. This is one of those times I’m glad I never really got into… stuff, you know. Clutter. I hate clutter.” She follows me up the stairs, then sits on the endof the bed and frowns at the suitcases and boxes in the corner of the room.

I guess I feel like I need to keep talking, because I can’t stop myself. “I’m pretty sure it comes from living in all those different homes.” I toss shoes into a box and tape it closed, then stack it with the others the movers will load into a truck in the morning. “There was never enough room and always too much shit laying around. I mean, listen, I’m grateful for the people who took me in, you know? But I’m not one of those guys who got their first paycheck and decided to go out and buy a few thousand bucks worth of electronics and clothes and stuff.”

“Funny. A lot of people do exactly that kind of thing when they were raised without much money of their own.”

“Yeah, and the rest of us know what it’s like to not have any money, so we’re afraid to spend it even when we have a chance.”

“Hence, you being determined not to buy a new car with air-conditioning?”

“I am not going to put up with any more slander toward my baby.” I’m grinning when I look over my shoulder, but all she does is frown and wrap her arms around herself. What did I say? There I was, thinking we were joking, but she looks worse than ever.

“Hey.” I kneel in front of her and take her hands after I manage to unwind her arms from around her middle. “I’m sorry. I hate seeing you like this. I hate feeling like I’m the reason for it.”

“I’m going to miss you.” Her bottom lip quivers, and she might as well have stuck a knife in my chest. I almost wish she would. It might hurt less.

“And you know I’m going to miss the hell out of you. Every minute. Every second.” I lift her hands to my lips and kiss the backs of them, closing my eyes and inhaling her sweet scent. I’ll miss that, too. It would probably be creepy if I ask what perfume she uses, so I won’t, but I want to. I want a little bit of her that I can carry with me.

“But we can talk every day,” I remind her with as much of a smile as I can manage. It’s not much, but I’m doing my best. “We can FaceTime. We can text. You know my meme game is strong.”

She snorts before squeezing my hands. “You are the king of stupid memes.”

“They’re not stupid if they make you laugh.”

This is all wrong. Here I am, trying to smile through the ache in my heart, and all she’s doing is crying. “Hey. It’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this, right?” Won’t we? Is that why she’s so upset?

“I just want you to stay. Can you please?” She uses the sleeves of her sweater to wipe the tears rolling down her cheeks. “I know I have no right to ask you that. I love you, but it’s not like we’re, you know, married or anything. But do you think there’s a chance you could stay for me? Please?”

Forget stabbing me. She may as well reach into my chest and pull out my heart while it’s still beating. I don’t know what to do with this feeling, like I’m totally helpless and useless. Here she is with all this hope in her eyes, and all I can do is let her down.

“I wish I could.” Her broken whimper makes me hate myself more than I did before, and I didn’t think that was possible. “Ican see if they’ll trade me back for next season. I’ll do my best, I swear. But for now, I have to go. That’s just how it works.”

Her head bobs up and down as her face goes red. “Yeah. I thought so.” And then she covers her face with both hands and sobs.

While all I can do is kneel here and wonder if there’s something she’s not telling me.

27

HARLOW

Of course, I knew it was a longshot. That was the kind of question a kid asks their parents because they don’t know any better. I had to ask. I had to do it for the baby’s sake, at least.

“Hey.” He wraps his strong arms around me and I lean against him, closing my eyes and leaking tears onto his shoulder. “Listen, I’m flattered that you’ll miss me so much, but this doesn’t have to change anything. You know that, right?” He tightens his hold on me before sighing. “I’m still yours. I’ll always be yours. It doesn’t matter how many miles there are between us. That is never going to change. Is that what you’re worried about?”

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