Page 93 of Voracious

“I will.”

Gianasmiles and pulls Jason’s arm. “Come on. I have a night shift and you have your work night out.Kade, I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“I really don’t mind, and neither would Stacey,” I say, stacking my sandwich with slices of tomato and different meats. “Just keep the baby-making to your own fucking house.”

I know Jason’s giving me the middle finger as they leave, and I munch on my snack, walk the dogs whiletextingBase andDez, then head back to my room to watch the next episode ofStill Game.

I look at the last messages from Stacey.

Freckles: I meant what I said. I didn’t take my pill today, and I won’t take it again. We’ll leave and start a new life where no one knows us, okay?

Me: Okay, I’m already missing you. I love you.

Freckles: I love you more. I’m heading out in an hour, and my battery is low, so I’ll message you when I can.

She’ll be out now. I’m bored.

I was going to askDezand Base if they wanted to go out somewhere, but they’re busy.

Instead, I lie in bed and look through our pictures together from holidays, lazy days in the indoor pool, our beds, and then I take a shower.

Kneeling, I pull out the box under my bed with shaky hands and place it on the mattress. I open it, letting the lid slide from my fingers as I stare at the contents.

We packed all the baby clothes we bought into it, along with newborn essentials, Stacey’s pregnancy notes and weekly Polaroid pictures of me holding Stacey, waiting to keep going until I was holding a huge baby bump, then our daughter.

But we never got to do that, so we’ve locked all the memories and traces of the pregnancy into this box. We agreed to open it after we fell pregnant again, but I’ve caved.

The princess dress sits on my lap while I rub the material between my fingers, imagining a little girl giggling with the dogs and screaming as she leaps into my arms while we play in the pool.

Catch me, Daddy!

I love you, Daddy.

I want to be here forever, Daddy.

I sniff, stuffing all the things away and kicking the box under the bed again, before huffing and lying down.

Stacey’s phone is dead. She’s not been online and hasn’t received my text telling her to have a good night and that she deserves it. I tellDezand Base I’m having an early night, and they say they’ll see me when they see me.

Me and Base are going to America for a few days for his birthday in two weeks, and I’m kinda dreading being away from Stacey.

I think I might be the clingy boyfriend. Most likely.

I close my eyes and hug the pillow Stacey sleeps on, falling asleep to the sound of her voice.

By the next morning, I’ve still not heard from her.

Usually, I’d get drunken calls from Jason, but there’s nothing from him either.

Mum is making breakfast and offers me a coffee and a bacon roll. We eat in comfortable silence, then she drives me to my appointment, where I tell my therapist that things are getting easier, and that I’d like to start weaning off my high dosage, to which she agrees.

I tell her how I’m dealing with the loss – that we want to try again, and she said that as long as I feel comfortable, then she sees no issue. But I’ve to sit down and have a serious talk with Stacey about how big a responsibility it is to have a child, especially at our age.

We’ll be twenty soon.

I’m fine with starting early, and Stacey has made it clear that she is too – I’ll marry her, and our kids will be there. Our daughter will be the flower girl, and our son will stand by my side while Stacey’s dad walks her to us.

By the afternoon, I’ve still heard nothing.

---