Page 12 of Voracious

“Huh?” Mum replies, and I shut off my screen with a snort and pull Jason’s car out of the parking spot. Mum is wiping her eyes in the passenger seat while speaking to my dad on the phone. “I can’t believe my little girl is finally going to university,” she sobs, her voice shaking as she places my dad on speaker. “What am I supposed to do now?”

Dad laughs, the smile evident in his tone. “Sweetheart, you’ll see her every month when you visit.”

“It’s not fair that you get to see her every day.” Mum sniffs. “I’m officially jealous.”

“Of me being locked up in here? You would hate the early rises and the food. And that’s if she chooses to visit me. She hates visitations. Plus, she’s two hours from me.”

Luciellagoing away to study shouldn’t have our mother this upset, surely? She should be glad that she’s getting some peace from her. I sure the fuck am.

It’s a week into the new year, and I’m done with the celebrations. The parties weren’t too bad, since I got to sneak around with Stacey and steal a kiss from her just as the clocks turned twelve. But thenLuciellaandTylardecided it would be a cracking idea to go out clubbing, and I had to pretend not to look at my phone every two seconds while sitting with Base andDez.

I worked my ass off withEwanfor the last two months to make sure I could get Stacey the perfect Christmas present. We went to Dublin the day after celebrating with my family, and we got drunk in the Temple Bar before I dragged her back to the hotel and learned more about her body.

She cried when she opened the little dancer charm for her bracelet and held my hand while we got matching tattoos – a design I’d worked on for weeks. Our initials intertwined and distorted to make themunrecognisable, with the words so small and vine-like, not even Stacey knows that they say “I choose who I love, and I choose you”.

It’s a little deep, considering how fresh we are and still not official, but I don’t know, it seemed right. She was more than happy to get the ink, and I’d do anything to see a smile on her face.

I’ll tell her what it says one day.

It took me a lot to admit to myself – and a lot of convincing from my parents – that I wasn’t a raging psycho who wanted to claim her and keep her to myself, but even though I still think there’s a possibility, I know how I truly feel about her.

It’s an emotion I had no idea I was capable of. Or my own twisted version of it anyway.

I’ve fallen in love with Stacey Rhodes.

I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend while we were in Ireland, since my dad said it was the next step for us, but when I’d hyped myself up and tried to push the words past my lips, I froze. My chest had gone tight, I had black dots in my vision, and Stacey said we’d go back to our room and watch movies when she noticed I was losing it.

It worked, because the pain and anxiety were gone, and I had her in my arms for hours until we needed to catch our flight home.

The calmest I’ve ever felt in my life is when I’m with her. The voices are quiet, my heart slows to a healthy pace and I can sleep.

The panicking andoverthinkingand obsessive thoughts haven’t calmed completely – if anything, they’re worse when she’s not around. Mainly me going through every scenario of things ending.

It’s stupid, but I’m paranoid. I think about her as soon as I wake up, immediately checking my phone, and I’m either ecstatic she’stextedor confused when there’s no message. When my friends come over or arrange a day of smoking at Base’s, I ask Stacey if she has plans, just to make sure there isn’t a better option. Most of the time, to my disdain, she says she’s busy, and that we’d make plans for when she’s either at the studio or staying withLuciella.

So when my twin sister announced she was going to study in the States, I was fucking buzzing that I’d have more of Stacey. But that would make me possessive surely? Wanting her to myself and hating others who have her attention? We were in Edinburgh and a guy opened the door for her while I was at the ATM, and I imagined his body in a morgue and me behind bars.

Dad thinks it’s normal. But he would say that, wouldn’t he?

My new therapist has been a lot of help, and even got me on bettermedsto control certain impulses and negative thoughts.

They’re always there, regardless, but sometimes I feel like I can actually breathe, and it’s when she’s with me. I worry that I’ll hurt her, or that she’ll end up scared of me. I might become someone she doesn’t want, a demon in her closet waiting to attack. A guy she fucks when she wants, someone who does everything and anything for her.

Stacey is taking over my life and we’ve only been at this for a few months.

I want her to be my girlfriend, and maybe then we can stop sneaking around and tell the world that we belong together. Maybe, with the blessing of her family and her seeing it from mine, things will get better.

Not that things are bad. I love being around her, on her and in her. I love hearing her atrocious singing and her laugh, especially when I cause it. I can hear it now as I drive, the little pig snorts when she belly laughs, exaggerating it with a hand slapping whatever is closest to her. I watch her sleep, because I always wake first, her face relaxed and at peace as she dreams about – hopefully – us.

Fuck, I’m in deep. But I want to be deeper. More. I need more of her.

Mum finishes her conversation with my dad and hangs up, giving me a tight smile. “Are you okay?”

The frown I have on my face deepens as she stares at me. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“She was your twin!”

I try not to laugh as her eyes water again. “Jesus, woman. She’s not dead.”

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