Page 84 of Voracious

It was, but still. She ended up mine anyway.

Can I love her and still be obsessed with her? Because I am.

“Are you sleeping and eating?” Dad asks, nudging me with his shoulder when I’m unresponsive and stuck in my head again. “You can talk to me. Everything is still fresh, so it’s okay to be down and need someone to talk to. Who better to talk to than your dad, who’s an expert in emotions after studying the world and itsfakenessfor years?”

Snorting, I manage a half-smile and look at my dad. “It just sucks.”

“It does,” he agrees. “And it’s alright to grieve a loss, as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process. How is Stacey doing?”

In all fairness, the first few weeks were brutal with how much she withdrew from me, but she did reach out to me with that text.

I was with her before I left for the airport. Stacey was asleep in my bed before I had to catch my flight. She’d smiled up at me as I’d kissed her forehead and told her to dream of me as she fell back to sleep.

She’d called me acheeseballand sandwiched herself between the dogs.

We’re getting there. Day by day, we heal a little more, but I can’t bring myself to burn the box under my bed. Filled with clothes and the little princess dress, it’ll stay there until I have it in me to bin it.

When I get home, I’m gonna get a tattoo dedicated to our kid, right next to Stacey’s nickname on my collarbone.

Stacey cries a lot, whereas I’ve struggled to shed a tear. Not that I’m not heartbroken about our loss, but I feel like I’m just broken in general. I’m battling that mental block – that fucking wall threatening to fall down. I’ve kept myself strong for us both. Whenever she breaks down, I keep her above the surface, even though I’m barely keeping myself afloat.

I tell Dad all of this, and he listens to every word, even as they strangle in my throat, and I have to keep stopping. I tell him that I wish I could go back to when we were happy and impatient about our future. I tell him that I was going to be a good father – I was going to work relentlessly to be everything my daughter wanted and needed.

He pulls me against him, and it’s only when my head drops that Irealisemy eyes are burning and my cheeks are wet. My body is shaking as the tightness intensifies in my heart, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Dad’s hand is at the back of my head as he tells me repeatedly that he’s got me.

He tells me it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to let it all out.

He’s here.

A soft kiss to my lips pulls me from my slumber, and I open my eyes to find Stacey hovering over me, in myhoodie, face free of make-up.

“Hi,” she says quietly, giving me a warm smile. “I missed you.”

I squint and look at the clock beside my bed. “It’s three in the morning, Stacey.”

She shrugs and scrunches her nose. “Your mum picked me up. Can I sleep beside you?”

Despite the lamp being off, I can see her face. “Do you have a black eye?” I ask, sitting up and grabbing the back of her head to get a closer look. “What happened?”

“I walked into a door.”

I narrow my eyes, and my heart beats harder in my chest at the idea of someone hurting her. “Don’t lie to me. What the fuck happened?”

“Can I not be a klutz without you thinking I’m telling a lie?”

I search her face as her eyes start to water. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll find out. And whoever did that to you, I’ll kill them.”

She shakes her head. “No one did this to me,Kade. Can you calm down?”

“Promise me it was an accident.”

“I promise.”

I drag her to me, wrapping the duvet and my legs around her. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah.” She buries her head into me. “Does this mean you missed me too?”

“Of course I missed you,” I say against the hood then pull it down to bury my nose in her hair. “I tried to call you when I landed earlier.”

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