Page 68 of The Girl in Room 12

‘To see Dean?’

‘Yeah. Max had practically ordered me to go home again, and then Dean messaged to see if we could meet earlier, so I had the time to meet him. I would have said no if Max had needed me. I hope you know that?’

‘I know. But that doesn’t matter, anyway. What happened with Dean? And I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to talk to you about it.’

‘It was the weirdest thing. I met him in Hammersmith. He wanted to meet in the West End but I said I couldn’t. It’s too far when I’ve got school pick-up at three. Anyway, when I got there and saw him, it was as if no time had gone by. He looked exactly the same. But kinder somehow. And guess what? He said he’d left his wife not long after we split up.’

‘Oh. Then why didn’t?—?’

‘I know. That’s exactly what I asked him. If he left her, then why didn’t he contact me and try to see Ivy?’ She sighs. ‘He said his head was a mess. He needed space from both of us.’

‘That just sounds like an excuse, Sarah. Sorry.’

‘You’re right. I told him that. Or something like that anyway. But he was different, Han. It was like he’d grown up. He said he often thought about Ivy.’

I stifle all the words I want to say. How Dean would never be able to make up for the five years Ivy has lost. How I don’t trustwhy all of a sudden he’s finally ready to see his daughter. But of course I stay silent. Sarah needs me to support her.

‘I showed him a picture of her,’ she continues. ‘And he asked if he could keep it. Then we started talking about meeting up. The three of us.’

‘Okay. And are you ready for that? Is this what you want?’ I don’t know why I’m asking this when it’s all Sarah’s ever wanted.

‘I just want Ivy to know her father.’ She raises her eyebrows, waiting for my response. Is it approval she needs?

‘Okay, well, you have to follow your instinct. And the truth is, Ivy is all that matters in this. So if it’s best for her to have Dean in her life, then it’s a good move.’

Sarah nods, but doesn’t say anything.

‘You don’t seem happy, though.’

‘I am,’ she says. ‘It was just something Max said the other day when I told him that I was talking to Dean. It kind of bothers me.’

The mention of Max’s name makes me stiffen. ‘What did he say?’

‘He just said that once someone has done something to hurt you or betray you, there’s no going back from it. If you forgive them then they’ll do it again. Because they know they’ve got away with it. He said he couldn’t remember this but Paula had told him his colleague Peter at work had left them in the lurch, leaving without giving his notice or anything. He said his boss would never trust him again, so there’s no way he’d get his job back, even if he came begging. But we do it in relationships all the time.’ She pauses. ‘I guess that’s just bothering me.’

‘Don’t listen to Max,’ I say. ‘He doesn’t even know Dean.’

‘But—’

‘I’m leaving him.’ The words fire into the room like bullets, stunning Sarah into silence.

It takes her a moment to recover. ‘You’re leaving Max? But he’s…Why? Hannah, what’s going on?’

I’m at a critical juncture again, where I have choices to make that will impact so many people’s lives. I’ve kept Sarah out of this so far, and for her sake I need to continue to keep her in the dark. Even if it means her perception of me will change, and possibly damage our friendship.

‘Things haven’t been right for a while now,’ I begin. ‘I didn’t tell you this, but before his accident I was planning to leave him. We just can’t carry on how things are.’

Again she’s rendered speechless. ‘I had no idea. I thought Max was just stressed at work.’

‘He was. But it’s more than that. And I can’t do it any more.’

‘What does Max say about it? He never said anything.’

‘That’s the problem. Of course he can’t understand any of it. He can’t remember the last few months. So I think he’s a bit shocked.’

‘Why now? Couldn’t you wait until he’s better?’

‘If he’s well enough to even think about work, then he can deal with this.’ My words are harsh, delivered too sharply.

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