Page 68 of Just Friends

His arms cross over his chest, his biceps straining. “The doctor said no screen time.”

Lucy’s gaze bounces between us before landing back on me. “I just texted that I was going to bring over tea in a bit.” She pauses, then says, “Sorry if I interrupted something.”

The warmth is back in my neck, creeping up to cover my cheeks.

Alex responds before I have the chance to, picking his shirt up off the floor and tugging it over his head. “I’m actually just going to head out for a bit if Lucy will be here,” he says. It’s a question for her, but his eyes are fixed on mine.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, even if she needs to go.” There’s a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, like after the dip on a rollercoaster. Just minutes ago, Alex and I were in my bathroom, sharing breath, stars and wildfire exploding between us, time and space quivering on a precipice I wasn’t sure I wanted to test. But now there’s a mask in place that I’ve never seen before. Something I never expected would hang between us.

“I don’t need to go,” Lucy replies, and Alex nods once.

“I’ll be back in an hour or two,” he says, once again to me. And then he’s out the door before I can respond, leaving a cold, empty achiness inside me.

“So,” Lucy says, drawing the word out as she collapses onto my couch. Her gray eyes are wide, sparking with curiosity. “What happened?”

Slowly, I make my way to the sofa. I was still a little dizzy before the encounter in my bathroom with Alex, but now I’m even more off-kilter. As I lower myself onto the cushions, my breath heaving out of me, I say, “I don’t know.”

Lucy assesses me. “Is there something going on between you two?”

“I don’t know,” I say again, wrapping my arms around myself. My heart is racing, and my thoughts are out of control.

“How do you feel about it?” Lucy asks after a long moment.

I pin her with my stare. “I don’t know.”

Her lips twitch, and it makes relief course through me. Things can’t be that bad, not with Lucy here.

“Let’s start with something youdoknow,” she says.

There’s a blip in the universe, a moment where time stands still as I allow the thought to form in my head, as I allow my voice to speak it. “I think I have feelings for Alex.”

Lucy’s mouth stretches in a slow smile, her eyes lighting up. “I knew it.”

“Impossible,” I scoff. “Ididn’t know it. I still don’t know it. It could just be the concussion talking.”

“The concussion finally knocked some sense into your head.” When my jaw drops, her smile widens. “Too soon?”

I hug one of the throw pillows against me. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” she says, her face softening.

“I don’t…” I start and let out a breath, gathering my thoughts. “He’s not someone I’m willing to lose.”

Lucy nods. “I know that too. But, Haze, you could lose him either way. If it’s not you, he’ll find someone else.”

“Maybe that’s all this is,” I say, latching on to the idea like it’s a lifeline in a raging ocean. “Maybe all these double dates have been messing with my head. I’m scared to lose him to someone else, so I’m projecting feelings that aren’t there.”

Lucy is quiet for a long moment. The only sounds in the room are the ticking of the clock on the wall. “Maybe.” My hope soars until she says, “But I don’t think that’s it.”

I clutch the pillow tighter, my fingers sinking into the fabric. “What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he does and we’re a bad couple? What if we ruin it? What if I lose him either way? What if we get together and he…leaves?”

That’s the thought that has been haunting me for weeks, a whisper in the back of my head that I haven’t acknowledged until now. No one stays. Not for me. There was my best friend in middle school who left when her dad got a new job out of state. The boyfriends in high school who always thought I was too much or not enough. Cam moving away to chase his dreams in LA. And Wes and Cam then leaving again to find the loves of their lives in Tennessee. Sebastian choosing his neighbor over the relationship we’d been building for a year and a half.

Alex hasn’t left me, emotionally or physically. And if we’re just friends, I get to keep him. If I can find him a partner who takes our friendship at face value, I won’t lose him. But if things change between us, if we cross that line, there’s no going back if we ruin it. And I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want him to leave me. Not him. I don’t think I’d ever come back from that.

“Haze,” Lucy says, her voice so soft it hurts, like a knife to a sensitive, unprotected spot. “Alex isn’t going anywhere. You mean too much to him.”

I barely hear her words, my resolve strengthening. Nothing can happen. If I want to keep him, I have toshut this down.I won’t lose him too.

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