Page 12 of Future Like This

He laughs. “Trust me, it’s always a little awkward during the first call, and sometimes after. It takes time to settle into this, and don’t worry, if for some reason this isn’t a good fit, you can always trade me in with no hard feelings.”

I let out a breath. His easygoing nature is helpful.

“I appreciate that, but I’m going to hope this works because I don’t want to be awash in awkwardness all over again.”

He laughs again and nods. “Understandable. So, should we ease in or jump?”

“I’m a jumper.”

“Okay then. Obviously I read your intake form, but why don’t you tell me a bit about why you decided to start therapy?”

I take a breath and nod, then do my best to succinctly, but clearly, tell the complex path that led me here.

When I’ve finished, he nods in an understanding way. “That’s a lot for anyone. I want to start by saying I’m truly sorry for your loss. I’ve dealt with the loss of a parent—it’s part of why I became a counselor. Grief is complex. It never really stops. While saying I like working with situations like this seems strange, I feel the most in my element—like I have the most to offer.”

“That’s good because I’m going to need it all. Thank you, by the way. I appreciate it. I’m still figuring out how to navigate all this. Obviously.”

“Is there one place you want to start?”

“I have no idea.”

“Let me rephrase that. If you had a magic wand and could fix one thing right now, what would it be?”

I pause for a moment, thinking that through, trying to find the right words.

“I want to learn how to manage all the trauma and things I haven’t processed so they don’t feel so overwhelming. When I feel overwhelmed, I shut down.” I stop talking for a minute. That just slipped out, but it’s undeniably true. I’ve known that about myself in terms of school or work since college. It’s why I always have detailed to-do lists. How did I never realize I feel the same way emotionally?

“I’m going to encourage you to finish wherever that thought process was or is taking you.”

My eyes snap back to the screen. “I never realized I did that from an emotional standpoint. Rather than just shut down, I shut people out. I don’t want to keep doing that.”

He nods and we discuss some coping mechanisms—healthy ones as opposed to my unhealthy one of shutting down or trying to ignore the problem if it feels too overwhelming. He recommends making an emotional to-do list since they work for me in other ways. Though it’s less to do and more to process, but it makes sense. It’s about breaking what I’m feeling down into more manageable chunks to hopefully help get me to the primary trigger and allow me to focus on that. It might also help me discover things about my trauma and triggers that I haven’t put words to yet.

He also suggests journaling as a way to get my thoughts out and help me make sense of them.

“You can even write them to someone if you want. You may find it helpful to write them to your father or mother. It might make you feel more connected to them.”

“I thought about writing letters to my daughter,” I admit. “Sort of about where I am, but also with advice. Just in case I end up like my mother.”

“That’s something you’re concerned about?”

“It’s possible the Alzheimer’s is genetic. I’ve considered genetic testing to find out, but it’s not a guarantee. And I’m not sure… if I want to know.”

He nods thoughtfully. “That might be something else to spend some time thinking of. Making a list. Even a pro-con list might help you organize your thoughts and help you understand what you truly want and what you can gain—or lose—from that information. As for writing letters to your daughter, I would say only to do it if it brings you peace. Don’t do it because you feel like you have to or should. They’ll feel forced. That’s the thing with therapy and coping mechanisms—there’s no right answer. You have to do what works for you. And often, that means a lot of trial and error and checking in with yourself.”

“I’m ready to do that. Well, I don’t know if I’m ready, but I’m going to do it because I want to have the best possible relationship with my partner and I want to build a strong connection with my daughter. Both of those things start with me having a healthy relationship with myself.”

He smiles. “That’s very true. Wanting to do the work is half the battle.”

Tears quickly fill my eyes, but I wipe them away. “Sorry,” I sniff. “That just… reminded me of advice my father gave me once. Sometimes you have to do hard things or things you don’t enjoy because you want the outcome you’ll get from it.” I know this won’t be easy. I’ll fight my instincts sometimes, but I want to do this. No, I need to do this for my future with Miles and our daughter.

“Sounds like he was a smart man.”

“In every way,” I whisper.

“We’re close to the end of our time. Is there anything else you want to discuss tonight?”

I shake my head. “No. Thank you. It’s time for me to dig in and do the work.”

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