“So, that’s what this has come to?” she asked. “You take what you want, and once you decide you’re done with me, then we’ll pretend like nothing happened?”
I shook my head. “That’s not what this is about.”
“Then what is it about?” she asked.
I opened my mouth, but I didn’t have an answer. What was I going to say to her? That I didn’t want her to dress seductively because I didn’t know how to stop fantasizing about her? That I was being hard on her now because I was scared my feelings for her would jeopardize everything I had built from the ground up? I couldn’t admit any of that to her.
“I’m sorry I have to do this, Danielle,” I said. “But rules are rules, and this is how it’s going to have to be. I’m not singling you out. I have the same policy for everyone in the office.”
“Yeah, you’re not singling me out now,” Danielle snapped. “But you did before. So, that makes this thing you’re doing that much worse. I thought you were bigger than this. Better.”
Her words stung. Like any woman, Danielle knew just how to nail my ego. But she had a right to be angry. I was being a dick, and I knew it. But I didn’t know how else to handle it.
“Like I said, this is a warning,” I said. “If you fix it now, it doesn’t have to go further than this.”
Danielle glared at me, and for a moment, we were caught in a staring contest. I was the first to break eye contact, and I looked at my desk. I told myself it was because my mind was on whatever I had to focus on next for work, not because I had lost the staring contest and deferred to her dominance. We weren’t animals, after all.
“That will be all,” I said, dismissing her.
“Yes, I imagine it will,” Danielle answered, turning on her heel and marching to her desk.
I didn’t look up at all until I knew she was seated. I considered drawing the blinds between us so that I didn’t have to worry about being caught staring at her at all.
I felt terrible about what I had done. I knew that I was just as responsible for this situation as she was. I hadn’t told her not to act this way. In fact, I had encouraged it. I had enjoyed it, and I’d wanted her to keep doing it. Now that I couldn’t handle it, I expected her to change, threatening to punish her for the very thing I had encouraged her to do. I felt like a complete asshole for it, but I had to do it. There was no way around it. I had to put my foot down and take back control of the situation.
Because even though I hated to admit to it, I didn’t have control over the situation, not in the least. My feelings betrayed me, and I couldn’t stop them. Not unless I put iron rules in place to do what I wasn’t able to do emotionally. I didn’t doubt that Danielle would start to despise me if I was a dick about things all the time. But maybe if she stopped liking me, I would stop liking her, too.
Maybe it was the only way I could save myself from falling for a woman I couldn’t afford to fall for.