Page 51 of Regaining Integrity

I want to make everything right again.

I want to reassure her I have no interest in women like Cera or any other woman out there but her. So far, my actions have started proving how I feel, but it isn’t enough. She needsmorefrom me.

“Come on, Angelica.” Saying her full name is something I feel will comfort her. After being around her for a while now, it seems everyone just calls her Angie. I’m not sure about her family, but when I say it, there’s something special about the way my tone comes out.

She only stiffens, stopping as her legs go rigid right when we reach my truck. “Angie?” She begins to worry her bottom lip. She’s lost to me now, absent in what’s going on around us and stuck in whatever past Cera’s appearance stirred up.

“I’m fine.” Her sniffling nearly breaks my heart.

No way does she expect me to believe her statement, but I won’t challenge her. As an alternative, I help her into the truck and get us away from here as quickly as I can. We sit in complete silence once I take off.

She shut off the radio the second I turned the truck on. Upbeat country music is probably not something she cares to listen to right now, and anything less than happy would more than likely have her breaking down and me pulling over.

“I’m sorry my past came back to bite me … err … us in the ass tonight. That isn’t how I had hoped our date would go,” I admit.

She doesn’t respond or even hum an acknowledgment. She only continues to look out into the darkness surrounding us. Deep within my heart, I know she doesn’t blame me for our night turning into complete shit. It’s all Cera’s fault and the holier-than-thou attitude she more than likely will never grow out of.

While I navigate our way down the mountain safely, I start thinking of a way to make this horrible night up to her while figuring out how to put my past well and truly behind me.

A chill fills the cab the farther we get away from the lodge and closer back to town. Taking her home is the wise choice, so maybe we can sit down and talk about this.

Those hopes are dashed the instant we pull into the free parking space by her apartment. Angie hops out and rushes away before I even put my truck in park.

“Angie!” The truck jerks as I slam it into park and quickly get out to go after her. I’m not quick enough. She’s already up the metal stairs and opening her door as I’m reaching the bottom landing. “Angie.” I panic, trying to reach the top before the door closes only to have it slam in my face.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Angelica

Thank God for weekends. There’s no reason to leave the warmth of my home to be out in public. My mail can wait until Monday to get picked up. It’s in its own lockbox, so I don’t have to worry about someone else taking it.

The numbness from seeing Cera last night has stayed with me. Even after putting her in her place, I feel empty. Sleep stayed away from me; it didn’t matter I was in an oversized shirt and a pair of boy shorts, I couldn’t get comfortable. Curled up in the fetal position, I stared at one of my walls—the one covered in collage picture frames of my family and Lorelei with me.

And I felt nothing.

For as tired as I should feel, I don’t have anything. This morning, I went through the rounds of making coffee, gagging down a banana since I can’t stand them, and soaking in a bubble bath. When I finally got out, I put on a clean pair of boy shorts and the same shirt before sitting on the couch to stare at the blank screen.

I shut Chase out.

What the hell is wrong with me? I know he had nothing to do with any of it even with him being a pawn in the past, but that’s all been forgiven.

Turning my head, I look at my dead phone sitting on the counter just where I left it last night along with my purse and keys. I should get up and put it on the charger. Chase, my mom, Grandma, and Lorelei likely are all trying to get ahold of me right now. Yet I can’t bring myself to care or get up to do the task.

Cera got to me last night, probably far more than necessary. There’s nothing really necessary about it, but seeing her there while Chase was with me, the past decided to try to take hold of me and succeeded. The fear of not being enough for him and possibly losing him got the better of me even when I should have been feeling pretty great after finally putting her in her place.

Did I lose him because I shut him out?

I shake my head.

Don’t think that way.

Chase took me out last night because he’s trying to prove he’s changed.

And he has, Angelica.

The first sign of life is in the form of my emotions and feelings returning to the surface, breaking through the cracks in the armor I put up as tears slowly drop down my cheeks.

Lifting my cold, dead-weight hands, I brush them away. Puffing out my cheeks, I push the stressed air out and finally turn the TV on. Time flies by as I watch one show after another. I don’t get up to go to the bathroom, get a drink, eat, or even charge my phone.

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