Page 22 of Otto: The Hawthornes

I looked down at myself for a second time, taking in the limp dress I was wearing and the tights that had a couple of holes in the knee from where I’d snagged them on a stump outside. I put my hand on my knee, covering the holes, ashamed for some reason.

“Yeah, okay,” he replied. “Just a shower, or we’ll be late.”

The familiar sights of Eugene were like a balm to my soul. I kept my gaze out the window as we passed my elementary school, the grocery store, the park that Becka and I used to race to in the summer. People were walking their dogs and driving their cars and generally going about life like everything was normal and I soaked it all in. There was still life outside the little cabin. The world was still turning.

I let Aunt Lacy lead me into their guest bathroom and turn on the shower, but when I opened my mouth to speak, she stopped me with a jerk of her head.

“You know where everything is,” she said, handing me a towel. “I’ll just grab you something to wear, okay?”

I nodded and watched wide-eyed as she left the room and closed the door behind her.

I wished I could’ve appreciated the shower more. The hot water and actual shampoo were such a luxury that I really should’ve been marveling, but I wasn’t. I was too afraid of what was going to happen next. What did she mean when she’d mentioned taking me in public? Who was I going to see? Why had Uncle Hank picked me up and not my mom and dad? Did my mom even know that I was back in town? If she did, would I get to see her? Tears pricked my eyes as I thought of her. I missed my mom. She was weak, I knew that. She should’ve stoodup for me when my dad told me to pack my things. She should’ve done something. But she was still mymom.

Before I was ready, Aunt Lacy was back in the bathroom, calling for me to hurry and get dressed. She was gone by the time I climbed out of the shower but she’d left clean clothes on the closed toilet seat. I recognized the dress. It was one that she wore all the time when she was running errands. I lifted the fabric to my nose and inhaled the familiar scent of their laundry detergent.

I let out a small sigh of relief. I’d wondered in my most paranoid moments if my dad had hidden me away until he could find a man willing to marry me. It wasn’t beyond reason, but I couldn’t think of anyone we knew who would take on another man’s baby. Aunt Lacy hadn’t given me anything especially nice to wear, though, so I was pretty sure I wasn’t about to be taken to the church for my wedding.

I pulled on the pair of underwear and bra that she’d left me, far beyond caring where they’d come from. They were clean and soft and it occurred to me just how stiff my own underclothes were from washing and hanging them to dry by the fireplace. As I carefully dried my hair I stepped in front of the mirror and finally got a good look at my face.

I understood why Aunt Lacy had been startled by my appearance. I didn’t think I looked sick or anything like that, but my face had changed dramatically. My cheekbones stood out in stark relief and my chin was more pointed than it had ever been. I’d lost the round cheeks I’d had all my life. My whole face looked… sharp.

I stared at myself as I pulled my hair back into a bun, pulling a hair tie and bobby pins from the drawer to the left of the sink, going through the motions without thought. The hairstyle made my features seem even more severe and the hair felt heavy, but I didn’t even consider leaving it in a braid down my back like I’dbeen wearing it at the cabin. Unconsciously, I fell back into the patterns I’d lived by my entire life.

After I was dressed, I picked up my dirty clothes from the floor and folded them neatly. Handling the ripped tights was a stark reminder that in a few hours I’d probably be right back in the cabin. Quietly, I pulled open the drawer again and stole a few more hair ties, stuffing them in the pocket of my dirty dress.

I left the bathroom and followed Aunt Lacy back out of the house with a sense of unreality that I couldn’t shake. As we climbed back in the car my heart began to race. Where in the world were they taking me?

“Just going to make sure everything’s going the way it should,” Aunt Lacy said, turning to look at me as we pulled into a small parking lot.

“You’re taking me to the doctor?” I asked in confusion, staring at the sign on the building.

“Just a quick check up,” she replied.

I followed her into the building, leaving Uncle Hank waiting in the car, and a thousand thoughts ran through my head. Should I say something to the doctor? Tell them that I needed help? What would happen after that? Would they even believe me? Would Uncle Hank and Aunt Lacy get into trouble? I wasn’t sure that anyone had actually done anything illegal. I could’ve called 911 any day since I’d been left at the cabin. I wasn’t a minor so it couldn’t be considered neglect.

Swirling around the thoughts of escape and what it would mean for me going forward were thoughts of the baby. What if they found something wrong with it? Had I screwed up by not going to the doctor before I’d told my parents? I couldn’t have anticipated that I’d be whisked away so soon afterward. I’d imagined that my mom would help me set up that first appointment. I’d known they’d be angry, but I could’ve never foreseen that they’d banish me into the freaking wilderness.

We checked me in and only waited for a few minutes before I was called back. At first I was surprised when Aunt Lacy got up with me, intending to follow me into the appointment. Then I realized that she was there to make sure I didn’t say anything I wasn’t supposed to.

I wasn’t sure if Iwouldsay anything. It wasn’t as if I had anywhere to go if I escaped my family, but knowing that I could was a heady feeling. I had the opportunity. I could tell the doctor’s office that I was in trouble, that I needed help, that I needed to get away from them. Icould.

A nurse asked when my last period was, took my blood pressure and weighed me—I’d actually lost weight and I was pretty sure that wasn’t normal—and then made me pee in a cup. It was all startlingly normal, and I began to feel a little hope as I spoke to her. There were normal people on the outside. Maybe I should say something. I could figure out whatever came next. I was smart. I had skills. Surely, I could figure out a way to live.

When the doctor finally came inside to see me, my stomach sank so fast that I nearly groaned.

I knew him. He was a deacon at our church.

“Sister Lacy,” he greeted as he walked briskly into the room.

“Hello,” she murmured back.

“Esther,” he boomed, looking at me. “Let’s see what kind of trouble you’ve gotten yourself into.”

The next twenty minutes were the stuff of nightmares. I thought I’d die of mortification when he told me to change into a gown and didn’t bother leaving the room, but it got so much worse after that. As I lay there on the table and he stuck my feet into little metal arms that held my knees wide and my entire pelvic area completely exposed, I sort of just floated away. He was talking casually to Aunt Lacy as he put something inside me and tears ran down my face as I struggled to stay in that floating place. I pretended that it wasn’t really happening, that I wasback at the cabin, which suddenly felt like a haven instead of a prison.

When he was done I was allowed to pull my feet back down. I clenched my thighs together as I stared at the ceiling, ignoring the stickiness between my legs as he pressed hard on my belly and measured it with a paper measuring tape.

“Seventeen weeks,” he told my aunt, pulling out a little machine.

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