Page 71 of Our Secret Moments

I watch her shoulders rise and fall and I slowly sink beneath her, caging her in on the floor until she settles into my lap. She only has a few braids left and we could both do with a break. I catch her hand on her knee, turning her palm to face up as I start tracing the lines across the patterns on her palm.

“I realised that I’m not the perfect person to put up with when I’m going through a hard time. Sometimes, I don’t even know why. I’m just… sad. Which sucks because I have so many things to be grateful for and be happy about, but there are times where just existing feels like it's a chore and I want to crawl up into a ball and sit in my room for a while. Some people don’t know how to deal with it, or they just ignore it and that’s what I felt like with Evan. He was kind and he was sweet. He never said a bad thing to me, ever, but the years after my mom passed werehard, Connor, and nothing helped. And I had those empty feelings more and more often and I thought it was better to cut him off. It was a sudden and rash decision, but I needed to be my own person without him because I didn’t feel like I was the best version of myself. I felt like a burden. And maybe that’s just me overthinking everything, but I could tell that we weren’t happy.”

I digest her words, trying to think of a response. “It’s okay to be sad, Cat. It doesn’t make you hard to deal with or a difficult person to be around.”

She shrugs. “I guess. I just felt like I was being tolerated or put up with by everyone around me. Even my dad. It didn’t feel like anyone actually cared. People would say that they’re here for me and then never speak to me when I actually needed them. It was like another thing that someone wanted to check off their bucket list just by checking in on me that first month.” I’m about to say something, but she continues talking. “With the breakup, part of me did it because I felt guilty because that year, I forgot my mom’s anniversary. I was too busy and caught up ina relationship that I forgot, Connor. Iforgotabout her. My dad was already caught up with work, JoJo had just been diagnosed and she was already too sick to remember herself. It was my fault. I had one thing to do, one thing I promised her, and I didn’t even manage to do that.”

I swallow, my eyes stinging at her words. I made her feel like that day at the library. I made it seem like I forgot about her even though that is the furthest thing from the truth. “I’m sorry, Cat.”

“What are you apologising for? You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just me and my stupid brain,” she replies, laughing lightly.

“I’m sorry for not being there for you when I should have. You know, in the library,” I say thickly. She interlocks her fingers in mine, squeezing my hand tight.“And for anytime before that when you felt like you couldn’t talk to me because you could have, you know. I never want you to feel like you’re alone. I’m always here for you.”

“You’re here now,” she whispers, “That’s all that matters.”

“I’m here now and I’m here forever,”I tell her.

“Yeah?”

“Yep. Until you get completely sick of me and my baking,” I say and she laughs, the sound rushing over me like a wave. “Until then, I’m yours, Catherine. All yours.”

We manage to get through both of theFrozenmovies in the time it takes us to eat most of the snacks and for us to finish doing her hair. Once we’ve cleaned up, I stand with my hands on my hips, waiting for my next plan of action.

“What next?” I ask.

She tugs her bottom lip into her mouth. “I’ve got to tame this mane,” she says, running a hand through her hair. It’s so fucking long and dark and curly and justbeautiful. I can’t stop staring at it. Ather.“Which means shampoo, conditioner, detangling and protective styling.”

“Can I help?” I ask immediately, not even thinking about it.

She frowns. “You’ve helped enough already, Connie.”

“And I want to help some more,” I say.

She studies me for a minute before she realises that I will fight her on this. She closes her eyes before nodding, walking towards her bedroom.

When we get to her room, she shows me all the products she uses in her hair and fuck, it’s a lot. She tells me how her Grandma JoJo used to do her hair as a kid and how it would take all day whilst she listened to reggae songs and told stories about her mom growing up in Jamaica.

When she guides me on what to do when she’s leaning over the bathtub, my hands curl in her soapy hair, scratching her scalp, I realise just how badly I’ve fallen for her.

“You know you’re the first guy to ever do that for me,” she tells me whilst she’s sitting in front of her mirror in her room. Her hair has been washed and detangled now and she’s twisting it. I asked to help again, but she told me she’d prefer to do this herself.

I’m deep within the millions of pillows she has on her bed, but I sit up, my eyes meeting hers in the mirror. “Do what? Help with your hair?”

“Yeah,” she whispers. “I dunno. I think people are scared to touch my hair. Which is fair enough, I’d rather you ask before you get all up in there. But no one I’ve dated has ever asked me what I’m okay with and what they could help me with. And honestly, it’s tiring as fuck having to deal with this on my own.”

There’s something in her voice when she says the last sentence that makes me think it’s not just her hair she’s talking about. Boys my age are fucking stupid. If I had a girl as smart and beautiful as Catherine on my arm, I’d be doing everything in my power to help her. I’d carry any of the weight she needed and she wouldn’t have to think twice.

“You know I’ve always got your back,” I say, winking at her. She shakes her head, laughing. “And I think your hair is stunning. I’d never do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. All you have to do is say.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that, Connor,” she says, dropping her eyes to the set of combs she has in front of her. When her eyes meet mine again in the mirror, my chest almost explodes. “I appreciate you.”

I smile at her before dropping back onto the bed, feeling absolutely content.

TWENTY-SIX

CAT

HONEYMOON STAGE

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