Page 99 of When Love Takes The Ice

Being with Maddison this weekend felt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

It felt like the chapters of my life unfolding right before my eyes. It’s not something I’ve ever felt so strongly about.

That’s how easy it was.

But everything just changed, and I realized I couldn’t drag her into this mess.

And what a fucking mess it is.

It’s a shitty thing to do and a shitty way to leave, but closing the book on what felt good this past weekend seems like my only viable option. It ticked over in my mind as she drove. When I kissed her forehead in the car park, I knew what my decision would be. So, I shut down her coming with me as soon as I stepped out of the car.

I can’t do this. I can’t drag her along and take her away from her here, even for a few days, just to sit around with me while I go through my woes.

The truth is, I had a great time with her. The best.

And it fucking hurts to tell her I need to do this alone.

My heart is screaming at me to fucking turn back and bring her with me.

But I can’t. I don’t want to be that guy. Selfish. Needy.

My head is ruling my heart for probably the first time in my life.

I could feel her eyes staring into my back as I left her standing there.

I don’t look back. I dared not to in fear of what I would find.

I’m sure she hates me now.

I would hate me, too.

That’s better than her getting involved in my mess. And with my father, it really is a mess.

I’m battling with my anger at him for being the way he is and not knowing why, as well as how it would feel if he weren’t here anymore. It strikes me hard in the chest, because sometimes I feel like I’m dead to him, anyway, but I don’t want him to die. All I’ve ever wanted is to have a father-son relationship. I never thought it was too much to ask.

My cell distracts me as I push the cart.

My mom is calling me again. She sounded beside herself earlier. I could hear Kate in the background asking if I was okay.

I can’t talk to them right now. I need to get home.

When I finally get inside the terminal, I immediately stop.

I turn, and a part of me hopes she’s running up behind me, refusing to leave my side.

I’m not surprised to see no one there since I just pushed her away, pulling the rug from under her, and told her I wanted to be alone. I’m being an asshole to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

My idea of doing the right thing somehow always seems to backfire.

She is better off without me. Despite outward appearances, I don’t have it all together like I sometimes portray. There’s a lot of deflecting that goes on.

This last couple of days felt amazing with her. Attending the auction and seeing her win for her clients against that asshole was a highlight. So was spending all night in bed together, then taking her to the game today... It was all shaping up so perfectly.

We have a connection that is like no other I’ve ever experienced.

And now I’ve fucked it up.

I walk over to the check-in counter and try not to think about it for the time being.

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