Page 131 of Don't Look Down

I open the door, and words die on my lips. It’s Cayden. My insides freeze.

“Hey, Sky, can I come in? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Sheer panic bubbles up in my mind. Oh shit. Nope. Not doing it. I can’t do this. Not today. Not ever, actually.

“You’ve been dodging my calls and texts so I decided to pop over and see you.” Cayden must read my intent to close the door on him, because he muscles his way through and into my space.

Stupid shitty poker face. I swear I used to have a good one.

Cayden heads straight to the living room and plops himself on the couch like he’s done it many times in the past. I swallow the lump clogging my throat and follow him into the living room.He’s looking at me expectantly, but also with eyes full of love and compassion. Forme.

He’s lost his partner and he’s looking at me with sympathy. I note the tiredness present in the shadows underneath his eyes and a slight tightness around his mouth, but overall, he looks good. He leans forward, elbows on his thighs, hands clasped and dangling between his knees. He meets my eyes and sighs out, “Why are you avoiding me, Sky? And where’s Landon?” He looks questioningly down the hallway like he expects Landon to come out at any moment.

“He’s not here,” I answer his second question and hope he doesn't realize I ignored his first one.

“Why not? You need him right now just as much as I need you. Maybe more.”

“Cayden...” My voice trails off. Nothing deflates me faster than Cayden calling me on my bullshit. We all process grief in our own way, but that’s no excuse for my behavior. “Fuck, I’ve been a shitty friend.” I plop next to him and lean my head on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, boo. I’m struggling. I don’t know how to get past this, but I’ve been so selfish and self-absorbed that I didn’t let myself worry about you. How areyoudoing?”

He grabs my hand, holding it tightly. “You’re not a shitty friend. Trust me, I know losing Andrew isn’t just hard on me. We all lost a friend, but I didn’t expect to lose you at the same time. We’re supposed to circle the wagons in a time of tragedy. I didn’t expect you to go ghost. And I get it, Sky. I do. I know his death is hard on you in a way it isn’t hard on me. For some reason, you’re blaming yourself, and I need you to know it wasn’t your fault.”

I recoil, my knee pulled up on the couch between us so I can face him. “How can you say that to me? I should have seen the signs, or been able to help him. To get to him before he hit the ground. I should’ve demanded he get help.”

“Stop it, Sky! Just stop! Could-haves won’t help any of us. I lived with him.Ishould have known something was terribly wrong. I saw him every day.”

“Cayd–”

“No. If I can’t blame myself, then neither can you. And it’s conclusive now. The autopsy report says there was no saving him. Listen to your medical training. There wasnosaving him. He had an aneurysm in his brain, and when it ruptured… it was fatal. Period. He was dead before he hit the ground.” He’s crying, but he hasn’t looked away from me once.

I take a few breaths and look helplessly at the ceiling as my own eyes fill with tears. I open my mouth to say...I don’t know what. Nothing will come out.

“You have to accept it, Sky. It’s a fact now. I wish you hadn’t witnessed it. I’m so sorry you had to see it. It must have been awful.” He chokes on a sob, and I feel like the worst human on the planet. I slide over and wrap my arms around my friend as he cries over his lost love. Cayden had sought me out time and time again, and I blew him off while he was suffering on his own.

Who does that? My eyes overflow with tears, and I allow myself to cry with him. We cry for our lost friend, the future they could have had, and the unfairness of it all. Death is coming for us all, whether we want it to or not, and we never know when our moment will be. Each moment is precious, and we have to hold our loved ones close.

And here I am, ignorantly pushing mine away.

Never again.

I lose track of how long we cry together. Eventually, our tears dry up, and Cayden turns to face me. “I’m going to jump again. Andrew wouldn’t want his death to keep me grounded. Come with me?”

I’m so surprised by his invitation that a feather could knock me over. That’s probably the last thing I expected him to say.The surprise slowly fades, replaced by all kinds of hell no. I’m shaking my head before I even fully wrap my head around this turn in the conversation.

“I can’t, Cayden. I don’t know if I’ll ever jump again. Life is too short for me to keep asking for trouble.”

His face crumbles. “Don’t say that. Life is too short to be afraid to take risks. It’s too short to hold yourself back from the things you love. And you love skydiving. I’m not going to pressure you. I just ask that you think about it. Let me know if you change your mind. I’d love it if you could be there.”

I know he’s right. But I just don't think I can do it again. He’s watching me intently, waiting for a response, so I nod. I’m not planning on changing my mind, but Cayden doesn’t need to know that. I’ll go to the drop zone, but I won’t jump.

“Okay, I’m gonna get going. If you’re struggling or just want to chat, anything, you know I’m always here. Don’t be afraid you’ll make me sad. We have to be here for each other. Love you, Sky,” He presses a kiss on my cheek, and I’m alone again. Alone with only my thoughts for company.

51

Landon

I’m still at Leigh’s. Davi and Murdock are here, and we’re all watching game film. My phone buzzes in my pocket. I’m not too proud to admit I snatch it out as fast as I can and pray it’s Sky. I’d spent the day in a bit of a fog after leaving him home alone this morning. I know I didn’t actuallyleavehim, but it honestly felt like I had. He needed his space and some time to process, but he also needsme.

He can have all the space he needs to breathe and think and grieve, but he can have me too. They aren’t mutually exclusive to each other. Sky’s my person and I’m his. But I can’t force him to reach out and admit he needs me. Right now, what he needs is the space he asked for. So I decided to give it to him for a bit.

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