Page 126 of Don't Look Down

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Skylar

This is too much. I don’t know how to move past it. I’ve never lost someone so close. I’ve always considered myself empathetic. I feel the losses of my patients. I give myself a night to be sad, but then I move on. Compartmentalizing the grief, because unfortunately it’s part of the job.

But I can’t seem to move on from this. Andrew’s death hits deep in a way I didn’t expect. Like, dude, my name is Skylar and I cry over commercials. I guess I’m new here because I honestly shouldn’t be surprised that I’m fucked up right now. I feel stupid for feeling so blindsided, but this guilt is a feeling I can’t shake.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to my friend. Today is Andrew’s celebration of life. Andrew would’ve hated a funeral, would’ve deemed it too morbid and depressing. He never would’ve wanted tears shed over him, but it’s part of our grieving process.

My head rests against the passenger seat window. It’s a bright, sunshiny day. How the sun shines when it feels like the world is falling apart baffles me.

Landon is driving, and Luc is in the back seat. He’s barely left our sides, insisting on staying at Landon’s and showing his support for me and Cayden. Between the two of them I can barely breathe.

The Bull Sharks fly out later this evening for game five in the series. They’re tied two and two after losing both home games since Andrew died. Their schedule has been hellish since they’ve been trying to juggle hockey duties and everything with Andrew’s services. I think it’s affecting the team, but both of them ignore me when I suggest they’re doing too much.

Let’s not even talk about the guilt I feel over that. They’re distracted when they should be focused on the game.

The services are being held in a large informal room at the funeral home. Addy hovers close to Cayden, while I cling desperately to Landon throughout the speeches Mr. and Mrs. Adams give. This man is unshakeable, a steadfast anchor in the storm.He loves me, and I couldn’t say it back. I wanted to. So fucking bad.

My brain retreats to a safe space while Andrew’s parents speak. I’m here, but not really.

Time passes in a foggy haze, but I make every effort to be present for Cayden when it’s his turn.

He’s pale and shaky, eyes full of tears, but he stands before us, with his head held high.

“I tried to plan a speech for today, but it was impossible.” His gaze falls to his hands. He shakes his head before looking back up at us. “How do you find the words to say goodbye to the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with?”

Bitter guilt clogs my throat, making it hard to breathe. Tears well in my eyes, and I bite my lip to hold them in. Landon’s fingers thread through mine and squeeze.

Cayden inhales deeply, then continues. “Did you know he planned quite the entrance for our wedding? This man wantedto jump out of a goddamn airplane and land at the venue. You know I thought he was crazy, right?” His watery laugh mixes with the laughter of the crowd. He talks some more, sharing some stories about their first date and engagement. Cayden’s gaze catches mine. His eyes bore into me, and I freeze, unable to look away. “I know it sounds like a meaningless platitude, but Andrew died genuinely doing what he loved. I’m trying my best to find comfort—” His muffled sob interrupts his words. He covers his mouth while tears begin overflowing. Mr. Adams reaches over to squeeze his shoulder. Cayden’s eyes close, his chest and shoulders rising with his deep inhale. Finally, his eyes open and he continues. “I’m finding comfort knowing his last lucid moments were likely filled with pure joy. Enjoying the wind rushing around him while he glided closer and closer to the ground.” He reaches up and squeezes the hand on his shoulder. “This is what gives us comfort. We shed tears of sorrow over our loss, but we smile with joy over the countless precious moments we were blessed to share with Andrew.” Cayden is a juxtaposition of broken but composed. He’s so fucking strong.

His words strike my heart and try to take root, but I can’t stop replaying that day in my mind. Wishing I could go back and see things differently.

He shouldn’t have died doing what he loved. I should’ve listened to Frankie and helped him get the medical help he needed, and none of us would be living this nightmare right now.

My chin tips toward my chest, as my gaze lowers to the floor. My shoulders are slumped, and there’s a tightness in my chest. Landon wraps his other arm around my shoulder, his hand absently caressing me and pulling me into his side. He’s not even looking at me, but he still reads my energy effortlessly, sensing I’m close to falling apart.

After the speeches, we socialize and eat some hors d’oeuvres. At one point, my eyes land on Cayden. Luc is standing close to him, head bowed. The two are talking amongst themselves. A small smile glows on Cayden’s lips before it quickly disappears. He nods and Luc pats his shoulder and walks over.

“Looks like we’ve gotta get going. Coach will shit a brick if we’re late.”

I nod. “I’m going to go tell them we’re heading out. I’ll be right back.”

He sees me coming. “Sky.” His voice is soft.

He opens his mouth to say more, but I cut him off. “We have to get going.” I point at them with my thumb, like there’s any question of who I’m referring to.

His lips are pressed together, like he’s forcing himself to hold something in, but he nods.

After a quick hug and kiss for Addy, I turn to Cayden. Pulling him into my arms, I squeeze him in a hug. His arms wrap around me, squeezing just as tightly. “I’m so sorry, Cayden.” My voice is thick, heavy with unshed tears.

A hand lands on my shoulder. Cayden raises his head, then pulls back. His watery gaze jumps between Landon, Luc, then back to me. “Thank you all so much for coming. It means the world to me.”

As we’re walking away, Luc murmurs to Cayden.

“Don’t forget what I said, okay? I’ll be around if you ever need a friend or anything.”

Landon’s mouth tweaks into a small smile as we make our way to his truck. Seems like Luc is making another friend.

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