Page 412 of S is for SEX

“I was trying to keep up, and I started watching you walk, and I think I may have gotten wrapped up in watching your feet and your stride. I think I forgot what was going on, I don’t know.” I stood and looked into his eyes, feeling stupid.

I don’t really know for sure how it happened, but it did. I will never forget how it ended, though. All of a sudden, I was pressed into the corner of the foyer, my back against the wall. His chest was pressed against mine, and both his hands held the backs of my thighs, under the cheeks of my butt. I was completely off the floor, being held up by his strong arms. His chest and arm muscles bulged as he lifted me higher, getting my head several inches above his.

“Look at me, Baby Girl,” he said as he held me above him, my back pressed hard to the wall.

I looked down into his eyes, and although he wasn’t smiling, his eyes were. They looked different. They looked happy. His lips met mine, and we began to kiss. I closed my eyes. One hand slid to the back of my neck, holding my head as he kissed me. He suspended me against the wall with his other arm and the pressure of his body against mine. We kissed for a long while, and as we did, I could feel the pressure in the vestibule change as people came in and out. I do not know if we kissed for three minutes or thirty, but I knew this; it was the kind of kiss that romance novels are written about. A kiss to define kisses. If I were standing, I would have collapsed. As our lips parted, we both caught our breath. His tongue lightly licked my upper lip as we separated. Immediately, we started again, his hips pressing me against the wall. My legs wrapped around his waist, I pressed harder against him, bucking my hips against his torso as we kissed. Pulling his mouth from mine and lowering me to the floor slowly, he looked into my eyes.

“You are fucking adorable, Kelli. Just fucking adorable.”

Catching my breath and composure, I tried to hold myself up as he let me down onto the floor. My legs felt like they belonged to someone else. I pushed myself against the wall and tried to stand on my own.

“Oh my fuck. Knees,” I said. I realized right after I said it that it made zero sense.

As he held the second door open into the store, he looked at me and smiled.

“Precisely,” he said.

I had no idea what exactly I did to make myself adorable in his eyes at that moment. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to seem girlish or immature. I decided to keep to myself and just assume that I was adorable all the time, and that this time he was just overwhelmed. My father once gave me some good advice; never miss a good opportunity to keep your fucking mouth shut. This was one of those times. Walking through the door, I felt lighter. I felt like I was floating above the tile floor, like I was still suspended above the floor by his strong arms.

Ruined. Yeah, I suppose so.

I realized something in that vestibule during the kiss. I was weak for this man. Weak beyond what I have ever known to exist. My degree of being powerless for him left me open, exposed, and able to be harmed. With Erik, it wasn’t whether or not he was going to eventually leave me; it wasonly a matter of when. At some point in time, he would leave. I walked beside him in somewhat of a trance, lost in thought. I knew that I could live without him, no doubt about it. But after having had him in my life, I would look at everyone else that I would ever meet as some form of substandard human being. No one, regardless of whoever I encountered in life, would measure up to the standard that he had set.

Life is interesting in many respects. I’ve spent my life trying not to become attached to anyone that I have had sex with. My initial expectations with Erik were the same. I suppose a person never knows how they are going to feel until the time comes, but I had no anticipation of this happening. Now that it has happened, I had to deal with it. Live a life without Erik, disappointed and knowing what it was like to feel whatever it is that I feel with him, or be with Erik.

Being with Erik was impossible. He made it clear that he wasn’t interested in being in a relationship, ever. My school was scheduled to start in September, which was about six weeks away. Why, I wonder, does God remove the things from our lives that may make us live a happy, fruitful, joyous life? I never felt like it mattered so much before, but I never felt like this about someone either. I didn’t really feel this way about him, as if it were a decision I had made. I felt this way in his presence. Hell, I felt this way all the time.

Time decides who we have in our lives, our hearts decide how we feel about them, and our actions and attitude toward them determine how long they stay. As we walked, I thought I will do my best to make Erik happy, and whatever is meant to be will happen. In that book I read, it said that you don’t give someone your love, they take it. If that, in fact, is true, Erik took it. I damned sure didn’t give it to him, he took it.

Here I was going again with the thinking too much. My mind racing because I wasn’t busy doing something. We were walking, and no one was talking. I needed to get a conversation going with Erik to get my mind off of him. Talking with him made me forget everything. When I talked to him, I just wanted him to be happy with me for that moment. I focused on the moment and the topic of discussion.

“So, where are we going to go on the motorcycle?” I asked.

“We’re going east of here about twenty miles, to a small airport,” he said, turning to the left as he spoke. “It’s a small airport with a patio that you can sit and drink, eat, and just relax at. The planes fly in and out just a few feet from where you sit. There are old bi-wing planes there. It’s really quite nice and relaxing. We will have fun.”

“Sounds fun,” I said.

“Here we are, The Buckle,” he said, stopping in front of the store.

I looked at the front of the store as if I was lost. I didn’t realize we had walked this far, from one end of the mall to the other. I looked up at him as if to get permission to enter. He nodded and motioned toward the store entrance.

We walked into the store together, arm in arm. Something about having my arm around his, his claiming me in public, making it known we were together – made me feel special. It made me feel warm inside. There was no gift on this earth that this man could give me that would be greater than the way he made me feel. As we walked back to the display of women’s jeans, I smiled.

“What’s funny, Baby Girl?” he asked as he turned toward me, smiling.

Never. I would never get sick of him saying that. Baby Girl. I felt rubber legged when he said it. Don’t. Stop. Calling. Me. That. Ever.

“I was just thinking. I am happy today. That’s all, no reason.”

“I am happy as well, Kelli,” he said. “It’s a gorgeous day, and I am having a great time.”

I wondered what he meant. Was he happy because of me? Because of what I did at the restaurant? Because I had an orgasm for him like a good girl? Or was it some other reason? I wanted to know but didn’t want to ruin anything by asking. I decided to take my father’s advice and keep my mouth shut. Being quiet was the smart move.

“Here they are,” I said as I picked up the jeans.

“You sure?” he asked.

“Yes, I only wear one style from here, this is them. Do you like them?” I asked, holding them up for him to see.

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