Page 7 of The Book Signing

I begin to pace and make sure I focus not only on her but tell everyone, too.

“I was getting myself emotionally tangled with unattainable men. I felt so stupid and, worse, embarrassed because I realized it was like a habit. After a night with a guy that I developed feelings for left me quite emotional, my girlfriends ended up forcing me to go on a helicopter ride. You know, the one that takes you over Chicago? Well, if you don’tknow about it, we’ve got one.” I hear a few chuckles from the crowd and then prepare for the explanation, even though most of this is on my blog and parts of the book. “They said I needed to break free from my unhealthy lifestyle towards men. Sounds silly, I know. I laughed in their faces as I continued to wallow. But it helped because the moment I saw things clearly was on the helicopter ride.” I laugh at the memory. “I became so mesmerized by everything below me. The height made me feel… powerful. I was strong, and men couldn’t get to me. It felt like my shattered heart was healing piece by piece, simply by being so far from all the bullshit I put myself through.”

Recalling the flight, I shake my head at the memory. “I’ll put it this way. You know how a roller coaster makes your heart thump at the beginning, cry when you’re right on top because you realize what a mistake you’ve made? Then feel that moment of ecstasy when you’re falling and there is nothing you can do. You’re strapped, and it’s up to you to keep your head high, scream, and enjoy the ride. Well, for me, just a few minutes of flying felt like a goodbye to the old me. I told myself that I wouldn’t continue this lifestyle anymore.”

I walk over to the little table that has a bottle of water and quickly grab it, taking a swig, thencontinue, “I landed and came out a stronger and healthier woman.”

I don’t dislike the frowns on some faces, the pursed lips as I retell my story because that’s the way it was. It wasn’t fun or funny. It was depressing, scary, and upsetting. Then I see the smiles and chuckles as I overhear the word helicopter being mentioned amongst a group.

“Are there any helicopters around here? I might need one too!”

At least that part amused them. It was more of a revelation for me.

As I finish my spiel, I see a middle-aged lady waving her hand at me. She wears a collection of colorful bangles hugging her wrist and large sunglasses sitting atop her head. Her colorful appearance reminds me of my quirkiness, so I point to her, an invitation to ask the next question.

She shuffles over and takes the second microphone handed over by the previous lady. “I was a little confused about the message in the book. Were you a sex addict? I know you spoke about the men and the sex, but you mentioned it was like a habit. Isn’t that sex addiction?”

She then hands it back to me and as I accept it, in my peripheral vision, I see that some people in the audience nod at her question.

Hmm, that’s not the image I want or portray in the book. Perhaps it is something I certainly need to clear up.

“Good question. No, I wasn’t a sex addict. What I became was an emotional monster when it came to my love life and relationships. Everything else I had control over, but relationships were like a rabbit hole for me. See, as I mentioned in the book, it started out as wanting to have fun and see what’s out there. I mean, if guys can do the whole playboy charade, then why can’t a woman? I wanted to have fun, meet guys, get my kicks, and then not have to worry about the next day, the next week or what he would think of me in a year’s time. It felt good, I will admit it. But after a pregnancy scare and an STI scare, well, you can see why I felt a little hesitant on continuing the lifestyle.”

Pausing for a second to look around the room, then shrug.

“Yeah, I was loving the hot guys, the attention and sex, but hated the pressure to be better for the next guy I meet. It got tiring.” I can’t help but frown at the memories flooding back as I talk about it. It really fucked with my self-esteem. But I can’t fall apart from sappy emotions in front of everyone, so I take a deep breath and continue.

“My thoughts became clouded with the need to be loved and desired. It started out as fun, but it got harder and so inconvenient. You meet a guy that looks hot, you enjoy his company and leave home together. Then it continues for a couple of days and your heart is melting, and you think, ‘Gee, I think I found the one.’ The next minute, he’s saying ‘but I only meant it to be one fun night,’ or ‘no strings attached’, or much worse, ‘I’m married’. Trust me, I hated that one. It gutted me the most.”

I look around and chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.

“That’s the whole point for the book. For today. A reminder that we can only have so much fun until our hearts hurt. It’s natural to want to be desired, and not just for one night, or a little while. Just don’t go selling yourself for less when you are the prize.”

For the next ten minutes, I have a few other ladies and one young guy ask their questions. For the last question, I hand the second microphone to a doe eyed man.

“Now that you have overcome that phase in your life, can you say that you have ‘found yourself’ and are ready for a monogamous relationship?”

Fuck, why did you have to end this nice day with a question like that?

I do my best not to say, ‘Pass’ and laugh, so instead I say, “Actually, I’m in a relationship at the moment and feeling great about it.”

The moment the words are out of my mouth, I realize what I’ve said. I blurted out the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t, just to save face.

Oh my god, why am I doing this to myself?

Suddenly, and luckily, Amy pops out and takes one microphone and says, “That’s all for today. You can ask more questions on day three and get your books signed tomorrow. If you wish to stay, please check your programs for the next writer who is speaking. Thank you.”

I take the opportunity to walk off the stage, not before saying a big thank you and see you tomorrow. Usually, I like to take my time with readers, but because of my damn mouth, I want to disappear. Quickly.

How could I blurt crap out like that!?

Chapter Five

JAXON

“And that, my friends, is why putting all your energy into one person is a waste of time. Look at the scientific data out there. What? You only thought men were good at being promiscuous? Women indulge too. There is no discrimination against gender when it comes to having sex.” I wink at the audience of approximately fifty to sixty people. “It’s part of nature! There is research stating birds are promiscuous, too. We wouldn’t even think twice about the possibility. No, because straight away it makes a man sleazy and a woman aslut. My point is, you don’t have to drop your pants and say let’s party.” The audience chuckles and then lets me continue. “But it’s not a bad thing to sleep with multiple partners as much as you want and as often as you want. Safely, may I add.” I finish with a cheeky grin.

I feel like I’ve been ranting on, but after all the statistics and information that involves promiscuity, I just needed to mention it. I want to explain that there is nothing wrong with sleeping around. Or simply enjoying yourself with more than one person, without any of those strings attached. And I make sure that I practice what I preach. Nothing has come in the way of my lifestyle, and it’s been smooth. Enjoyable. Pain free.

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